20 week complete ultrasound and time to catch up!

I had my 20 week complete u/s a couple of weeks a ago.I know I know I am a terrible blogger lately.I am guilty of using fb more than blogger, but even on there I haven't been really posting that much.If you are interested in being added to my fb just email me to let me know:)(email is on my blog on the right)

Now back to the u/s. Well everything looked great. Even though I was excited I also find the 20 week u/s to be nerve wracking. It is hard not to be afraid that you will get bad news. Maybe that is just IF raising it's ugly head and feeding my fears...

Well first off her organs etc all looked great and secondly she is still a she :) Three u/s's later I think we can be pretty certain that it's a girl.I am getting pretty excited about having a daughter. But it still doesn't feel completely real yet.

We are still working on naming her and have one we both like but have not made it official yet and therefor have not shared it with many people. Only 2 to be exact and they know that it may not be the one we choose.

I am anxious to get started on her room which will have owls has a main part of the theme along with pink! I am not able to start it yet as we are working on finishing another room for my oldest so he can move into it and that way Mookie can be in the room that is nearest our room.For those late night feedings and so she will not wake up the boys before we can get to her.

Nanner boy officially turned 2 about the same time as I had my 20 week u/s. It seems crazy that he is two already.I feel like I blinked and time flew by.He is doing great. Talking up a storm,loves doing his puzzles and building his dup.lo legos.The moment that melted my heart recently was when he started singing we wish you a merry Christmas out of nowhere. It was adorable!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas.I know we did and Mookie even got a few presents from her grandma. She got 2 very cute sleepers and a cute velour penguin stuffed animal.Daddy even got a present from Mookie as he was able to feel her kick for the first time late on Christmas eve (basically it was Christmas since it was after midnight)I have been able to feel her for a while but he hasn't until then. I know when I had my 20 week u/s they said I have an anterior placenta which makes it harder to feel her kick and harder to hear with the doppler.But that it is nothing to worry about.

Well January is on it's way which means the turn of the new year and also me turning older once again.Yay! Please note sarcasm :)lol I know that age is just a number but in the fertility world it seems to be more than that so it is always a bit hard to add another year to my age every January.

Well everyone I hope that you are all well and that everyone is enjoying the holidays.Hugs to you all!

IT'S A .....................

So we had another ultrasound today as they are watching me very closely and I asked the tech to peek at our little one again to confirm what they thought the gender was last week was the same this week.And it's turns out that our boys are still gonna have a .....











We are so happy and would have been so no matter what the gender. But I finally won't be so out numbered by boys :-) (4 to 1 in this house) I have always wanted at least one daughter and now God has blessed me with one. I see lots of pink in our future!!

Hey girls miss you all, and take my gender poll :-)

Hi everyone I know it has been forever again.Yes I blame it on being tired all the time Lara :) Well I am happy to report that most of my nausea and puking is gone.Not completely but it is so much better. Migraines are another story, they continue to stick around.I had an u/s appointment on Tuesday to check my cervical length. They are watching me close since it tore when I gave birth to nanner and due to my history of m/c's etc. The tech said it looked great and she even gave us a peek at baby who also was doing great. She paused before she started to look at baby and asked if she was able to see the gender did we want to know? I was like yes we are planners and really want to know ahead of time.She said she was about 90% sure what it was and told us but said that she would confirm it in December at our 45 minute complete u/s.We actually have 3 u/s appointments before that to check cervical length.So I may have her check again before that.We are trying to think of a cute way to announce gender this time as we did not do anything special last time.Preferably something that is maybe you.tube/or other video sharing site friendly since most people that we will be announcing to are not local.Plus I already told my mom as she twisted my arm while we were out Christmas shopping yesterday :)So any an all ideas are welcome.So besides all that I have been nesting like crazy. I have been cleaning out,sorting things to sell, donate and throw away.I love getting things organized and cleaned out it makes me feel accomplished but admittedly I am a bit sluggish in the duration and speed category compared to how fast I would usually do things like that. lol

How far along? 16 weeks!

Total weight gain/loss: I am up about 2-3 pounds from my after fertility med weight. I gained about 7- 8 pounds on the meds before I got pregnant.

Maternity clothes? None, but the belly is growing even without gaining weight much weight.My normal jeans are getting uncomfortable so my yoga pants it is!

Sleep: Tired all the time and still dreaming at night like crazy

Best moment this week: Getting a surpise early glimpse at the gender :)

Movement:I swear I have light tapping and flutters

Food cravings: Anything that I can keep down at the moment, mostly ensure shakes.I still have strong aversions and can only eat a little of most foods before I don't want it.

Gender: 90% sure and keeping it a secret for now ;)

Labor Signs: Nope

Belly Button in or out? In

What I miss: Being headache free and having more energy

What I am looking forward to:My complete u/s on December 13th

Weekly Wisdom:Rest whenever you can and no pregnancy is exactly the same.

Well I guess that is about it for now,I would say that I will be better at blogging but I don't want to lie to all you sweet girls. lol All I can say is I will try. Miss you all and please know that I am still reading blogs.

Picture timeline

Mookies first pic!



5 weeks 5 days ultrasound



9 weeks 6 days ultrasound



Owl that we made for Mookie


I want to start out thanking you all for all your kind comments and helpful tips on pregnancy nausea. I had my first OB appointment on Oct 8 and it went really well. Our little miracle had a strong heart beat and was measuring ahead by 4 days. I like my new OB a lot she is great! After by horrible birth experience last time I knew I had to find a new OB in order to have a fresh start and so I would be better able to trust again the next time.They did an u/s that day so we got to see him or her :) We have given the baby a nick name just like we did Nanner. It feels a bit more personal until we know the gender and pick out names. So our little miracles nick name is "Mookie".We ventured out this past Sunday to make Mookie an animal at Bui.ld a bea.r. We ended up making a very cute colorful owl that we named "Mookie". We made Nanner a monkey named "Nanner" while I was pregnant with him too.It's has become tradition now.I was able to hear our little ones heartbeat for the first time on our home doppler at 9 1/2 weeks. I was surprised that I was able to so early but it was music to my ears :) I am finally going to post an up close embie picture from before transfer. I also have our first and second u/s picture that I will post.I decided to do the pregnancy question post.I have never done one before but everyone else does so I thought it might be nice to have a record of this time in my pregnancy. So here goes :)

How far along? 11 weeks!

Total weight gain/loss: I am down 3 pounds,nausea makes it hard to eat and keep it down.

Maternity clothes? None, but the belly is growing even without gaining weight.

Sleep: Tired all the time but I sleep horrible at night,I have lots of nightmares

Best moment this week: Getting to stop the estrace, prometrium is next. I stop it in one week.

Movement: Nope but very strong heartbeat that we listen to on our home doppler!

Food cravings: Anything that I can keep down at the moment, mostly ensure shakes.

Gender: Not yet but we want to find out when we can

Labor Signs: Nope

Belly Button in or out? In

What I miss: Not throwing up :) and being nightmare free.

What I am looking forward to: Stopping the prometrium in one week.

Weekly Wisdom:Rest whenever you can and no pregnancy is exactly the same.

Wowser it has been a while!

So sorry it has been so long since I last posted.Partially I have been so tired like bone tired.Also the nausea and food adversions have been very strong. I hesitated to post about this as I do not want to sound like I am complaining but the reality is that's what has been going on here lately.This pregnancy is so different from when I was PG with Nanner.I know that all PG's can be different but wow what a difference. I was not this wore out and tired with him nor did I have more than a handful of nauseated days. This time I have had to get a prescription for nausea since the nausea, food adversions and vomiting has been so bad.I was getting so bad that I had adversions even to liquids so I barely drank. Even water gagged me.The medicine has helped but does not last very long.I do have my very first appointment and U/S with my OB coming up soon.It is on october 5th.I can't wait. I have had a few more spotting incidents which I believe are still due to the prometrium.I try to not stress about it but it always worries me when it happens. I will be able to stop taking the estrace when I am 11 weeks and the prometrium when I am 12 weeks. I am currently 9 weeks so not too long from now.So questions for you girls anyone know of any tricks for helping with nausea? Also of you that have said you experienced spotting from taking prometrium, how often did it happen and was it something to worry about at all? Thanks girls and I know that I have to get better about posting but rest assured it not just my blog that is neglected,FB has also suffered. I just have been preferring to lay around instead of doing anything on the internet. I usually end up dosing off before I get online LOL. I will be taking my first belly pic soon, even though I am not showing and haven't gained any PG weight yet.I did gain about 6 pounds while on fertility meds but also have dropped about 2-3 pounds from being so sick.Well I should get going before I fall asleep on the keyboard :-) Hope everyone is doing well. P.s I am still reading everyone's blogs on most days, I haven't forgotten about you!

First ultrasound

Today we had our first u/s and it went very well. We saw a teenie tiny heart beating and we were measuring on track.He gave me a due date of May 3rd.I still am in disbelief it is taking a bit to really sink in for some reason.Don't get me wrong I am happy but just having a hard time believing it is true even thought I know it is. I know crazy but it's how I feel :)

First u/s scheduled

My first u/s is scheduled for September 6Th.I am excited and nervous all in one.Not a ton to write about right now just still trying to let this news sink in. I am still in disbelief.Thank you so much for your support and well wishes it means so much to me.

Second beta is in

Just got my second beta results and it was 531!! Praise GOD!!! I am still in shock :)

My beta results

Waiting is finally done....





Sorry it has taken me a bit to post but my office did not call until about 4:30pm. And I wanted to make sure to contact my "chip in " contributors first to let them know the results, as I had promised I would.I actually took a hpt or 3 :-) on Sunday and they came up positive. I also had a scare on Monday when I had a very small amount of bleeding it did not last for more then a few hours but truly was scary.I called the RE's and talked to the nurse and admitted that I had POAS and it was positive. I also told her that I was having the cramping and bleeding and described it to her, she said really it most likely was a good sign, implantation. The other cause that she thought it could be is the prometrium was irritating my cervix.Either way she said I should try not to worry. So fast forward to today I went and had it drawn and then I waited and waited. I called the RE's and left a message for the nurse. Later I got the call I was waiting for and I guess the lab never faxed them the results so they had to get a hold of them before they called me back. The nurse said congratulations you are pregnant and they said my beta was 206. She said she really, really liked my number and felt really good about it.So now I go back on the Thursday the 25th for my second beta. I am hoping for a great increase so I can feel even better, as I still am a bit nervous about my bleeding yesterday.I hope they are right and it was either implantation bleeding or irritation of my cervix.Thank you all so much for your support and prayers that you have given us we really appreciate them.

Poked!

I got poked today to draw my beta. Now I wait...

A infertility web series that is worth taking a peek at

I stumbled upon this today and if you haven't already I recommend you check it out. TLC is doing a web series following 6 couples that are trying to conceive. They are all in various stages of their journey. A wide range of struggles are included with these couples such as PCOS,Endometriosis,male factor infertility, unexplained infertility,vasectomy reversal and miscarriages. They are taking various routes to parenthood, natural trying, medication, IVF,OPT's and considering the possibility of adoption.I sat and watched all the segments and plan to continue to follow their stories. So glad that a large network has decided to produce something like this, now maybe just maybe they can bring it to prime time on our televisions ;-)I know that while you are watching it will be impossible to feel alone in your journey.God bless girls!

TLC WEB SERIES LINK

Is it Tuesday yet??

My beta day is getting closer and closer. The HPT's have begun to whisper my name. They are not calling or even shouting to me yet but they are defiantely whispering my name ;-) Today is the 20th and my beta is on the 23rd. I feel like normally time passes too quickly but lately it is moving so S L O W..... My heaviness I had in my abdomen has pretty much gone away and has been replaces with cramping. I had very light cramping for a day or 2 but part of yesterday and now today are getting a bit uncomfortable.I feel like AF is coming any time.Even with the cramping I have not lost hope as I had cramping during my 2ww when I was PG with Nanner. But back then after my first FET I really thought it hadn't worked as I was so sure that AF was on her way. That feeling that I just knew that AF was coming was what drove me to take a HPT that time. I was so mad and just ready to move on knowing what my future was.To my huge surprise it was positive. So for this cycle I am trying to take it as a good sign that maybe just maybe it worked.Hopefully I can hang in there until beta time. Wish me luck girls!

Ahh the 2 week wait

Well I am a few days into my 2ww and yes it is already getting to me.As much as I try to distract myself it just isn't working that well. I can't say that I have much in the way of symptoms.There is one thing that may mean something and it's that I have heavy, very achy pain feeling in my pelvis. I did not have it before the transfer while on the same meds (estrace and prometrium) and I did not have it right after the transfer. I started feeling that way about 3 days after my transfer and it does not go away. It uncomfortable enough that even when I was on the phone talking and laughing with a friend that I felt the need to hold my abdomen in order to try to make it hurt less as laughing was pretty painful. So what do you all think possible infection or PG symptom. I have no other symptoms of infection just for a side note.I do vaguely remember having a similar feeling while PG with Nanner.In fact my abdomen was super sore with him but I can't remember if that was before or after my beta.So any input anyone has is appreciated. My beta is steadily approaching but time is going slower than I would like.I go in 6 days to have my blood drawn.It's on Tuesday the 23rd.I have not decided if I will POAS but I really. really am going to try to hold out. No really, I am this time ;-)

Transfer day

Our little embie made the thaw and was dividing nicely! Everything went very smoothly thank you for all the well wishes and prayers. Now I start my 48 hours strict bed rest and in about 11 days I will have a blood test to see if it worked.I am also on 10 pound lifting restriction until my blood test which is going to be tricky with my chunky monkey nanner in the house.The RE said the embie looked excellent and was doing wonderful! I am honestly full of hope that this will work. I have to say that the valium hit me harder this time than last time. I felt sleepy and loopy.The last 2 times it barely affected me at all.I am already getting a bit stir crazy, it's hard for me to sit still very long but I know I have to. :-) Let's hope that there is good news come beta time.My first beta is on Tuesday the 23rd. I will post pics of our day soon.Hope you are all doing well and that you all keep posting as I need material to read ;-)

Got the call and no more shots

I got the call that we have been waiting for telling us what time transfer is on Friday.It is set for 11:10 AM but we have to be there at 10:40.I officially am off the lupron. And I have to say I will not miss it.Already the headaches are going away and so are the hot flashes. My last shot was 2 days ago on the 8th.I also decreased my estrace and added prometrium/progesterone yesterday the 9th. Today the 10th I added tetracycline and medrol. So we are almost there. I can't believe that Friday is just around the corner.I am strangely calm seeing as we do not have a for sure sitter yet. And it's not because I haven't tried,boy have I tried. I even tried going through car.e.co.m. I tell you there are some people out there that I have no idea why they even applied. In the end we are supposed to being going with a friends 17 year old cousin. She came for an interview and I liked her really well.She seemed very interested in the job and said she wanted it but today I have tried calling her 3 times to tell her the time for tomorrow and have not been able to reach her.Possibly some more important teenage matters have arisen. Yes I am nervous as we have NO sitters or family to help.This was my first attempt ever in my life to hire an actual sitter complete with interviews etc. So as of now we are sitter less and well I have no idea what we are going to do.Maybe I will hear from her tomorrow. I plan to call my friend and see if she can get a hold of her to see what's up.So pray me girls that the sitter situation works out and also they thaw our 1 and only little one tomorrow the 11th (Thursday) please pray for it to make the thaw and keep growing into a wonderful outcome.

oh yeah!! Rockstar lining!!

Had my u/s appointment today and it went really well.They said my lining needed to be 6-8 at that point and it was 9.4 in one spot and 9.6 in another. So that is great news. I actually said to my hubby while we were at the office "HI five for rockstar lining" and HI fived him.lol I know we are weird but we are finally truly hitting out stride as a married couple. After 3 years of marriage we have gotten closer than ever are much better able to anticipate and understand each others needs.We have become more laid back and are having more fun because of this.So what is next is that I have to up my dose of estrace which is a normal part of the protocol and continue on the lupron.My transfer is definately a go for August 12th just a week a away Holy Moly!They are calling me on the 10th with the exact time of it.I will write more later but the bed is calling this tired rockstar! :-) Later ladies!

FET date is set! Lupron is horrible! And how to thank you all!

I talked to the RE's today because AF made her appearance over the weekend so that let us move forward.Based on my start date of AF my ultrasound date is now set and scheduled for August 4th which gives us that much longer to raise the remaining funds. We were set to have a yard sale this past weekend but the rainy weather made it impossible. We are going to try again this weekend.I also had my estrogen level drawn this past weekend and that came back under 20 which is where they want it to be so that looks good.I have to continue my lupron for about 2 more weeks. So far it is making me miserable. I have had pounding headaches like there are 2 vise grips wrapped around my head.No pain meds will touch them they last 24 hours a day non stop.I also have been queasy and thrown up and lets not forget the hot flashes and sweating! Between that and the super humid hot weather we have been having I almost passed out while we were out a couple of days ago. My face turns bright red and my whole body radiates heat.That is what happened a couple of days ago when I felt faint along with dizziness,nausea,and my legs got really wobbly.Thank goodness I will be decreasing my dose from here on out I hope it helps to make me feel better.


Well moving on I keep trying to think of ways to thank those of you who have or will be contributing to our "chip in".I have a couple ideas in mind. I am pretty sure I am going to do both. The first one that I will be doing for sure is holding off posting about my beta results for a bit maybe 1 day maybe a week until I have a chance to email those personally who contributed first with the news.I just wanted a special way to show those who helped how much it means to us that they have blessed us by helping.My second idea is a raffle.I am going to put an entry in for each $10.00 increment they have donated.So for example a $20.00 "chip in" would get 2 entries for that person.I am not sure what we will be giving as the prize but I am throwing around ideas in my head.Maybe a giftcard to either Bath and Body Works, Panera Bread,Old Navy,American Eagle or maybe it will winners choice and they can tell me where they want it to. I am not sure of the amount yet but obviously since we are raising money for our FET we can't do a really big amount but we really want to do something :-) These two "Thank you's" apply to everyone who has already donated and also anyone else who does before the deadline which is August 3rd.I know my "chip in" says August 6th but I set it before I knew the date the balance was due for our FET which has been dictated by AF so it was a bit beyond my control ;-) So don't think it is too late.I also want to say that I have emailed everyone who has donated to our fund if you did not get a personal email or email message on FB from me then please let me know.As I will need your current email address.Paypa.l does give me a email address for the sender but I just want to make sure it is your current or main email account so I can contact you.

Now for the date everyone is waiting for....my transfer is set for Friday morning August 12th!! I continue to try to stay low stress and think positive that it will work! But because I am human I must think of the what if's.So DH and I discussed what we would do if our precious last embie didn't make the thaw and we decided that we would apply all funds that we pay into our RE for our FET to get on the embryo adoption waiting list there. While it will not be enough to get on the waiting list as the transfer itself costs less than getting on the list. (yeah I have no idea on that one)It will be a really good start and put us over half way or so.Now don't get me wrong I am so thinking positive that our little embie will make it but.. I also need to plan it's just how I am. Well girls it is late.God bless you all and I will update again soon.

Lupron and family fun, okay so the two don't really go together LOL

Riding on the tram







All of us after our picnic lunch


Day 3 of Lupron shots done.Not much new to tell here, just feverishly trying to finish raising the money for the FET. It has come to my attention that it is due by the 26th when I have my U/S. So we are trying really hard to get to where we need to be with that. For a moment we considered not moving forward this month with the meds for the transfer in August but have decided to believe that God will make a way.We are going to have a smallish yard sale this Saturday, I say small because we have already sold most of what we had on craigsli.st or in previous yard sales.Even though it is smaller I am hoping there are enough proceeds to cover our remaining needed funds.Which is about $400.00. Considering how much we originally needed to raise the amount still required has shrunk greatly. Normally this wouldn't be so hard to get this raised but about 2 weeks ago DH's work cut every ones hours by 10-12 hours indefinitely and this was done with no notice. Talk about bad timing....So that is why we are scrambling so hard with this remaining amount.So on another note we decided to have some much desired and needed family time this weekend.Even though they cut DH's hours he still has to work 6-7 days a week, mandatory. Yeah I know it sucks! So it can be really hard to have as much quality family time as we would like. So when he didn't have to work on sunday (him having a day off is VERY RARE) we made sure to start our fun on saturday evening to make the most of it :-) We decided to go camping in our backyard which was really fun and relaxing. We started the evening off by setting up our tent,building a bonfire,and then cooking our dinner (hot dogs)over the fire, we also had macaroni salad and chips.We ate at the picnic table and then went swimming ,a friend of mine also joined us after dinner to go swimming (we don't have a big or fancy pool but it works for us lol), sit around the fire and have smores. The boys had a blast and they loved "camping out". I loved sitting with everyone around the fire after dark.Nanner boy was so snugly and loved just sitting and cuddling with momma by the fire :-)After we got all the boys into the tent for bed it was great to just sit and chat with my friend and hubby, so relaxing! Which is very needed since my last cycle that failed was very stressful from the start and we are trying to not have a replay of that.The next morning we went to the Zoo as we already had tickets that we bought about 2 months ago in anticipation of going but it didn't pan out for when we thought we might go. Being in Michigan our zoo's aren't open as long as others so they were set to expire the beginning of October and we are thinking positively that I will be PG after this cycle and may not be allowed to walk as much as the zoo requires. There are pretty long trails for exhibits and activities some through the woods that are not paved (it's really cool) and others on boardwalks through a swamp/marsh land.And of course the main zoo and the African safari zoo side which in and of themselves are both a ton of walking. We fed the giraffes which are my absolute favorite. It was so cute watching nanner feed those beautiful animals. He was not scared at all and his face lit up as did my older boys.We also went in the petting zoo area and he pet the goats again I loved watching his face as he tried new things. It is so fun to live through my children, this was nanners first trip ever to a zoo, my older boys have been there before but they love it every time.We rode the very cute zoo train around the zoo which nanner was mesmorized by and later he just laid back, smiled and enjoyed our other ride on the safari tram train that takes you to the safari side of the zoo through the woods, past water and pretty scenery.It's really neat! It's three cars long, decorated with zebra stripes and they play safari animal noises/music while the announcements act as though you were departing the USA and traveling to Africa. They tell you what to expect in Africa and tell you info and facts about there and the animals.The boys again had so much fun and it was done without extra expense.Our tickets were pre paid, we took a picnic lunch and then used a gift card that I got for my birthday for dinner at subway on the way home. I loved that we were able to have a couple of fun filled days without spending any money! Yay! The boys loved it all and it made us feel so good to give them a couple of special days.I have so many more pictures from the zoo and camping out I will share some of them later when I am not so tired.Family fun wipes you out lol.But it is worth it.It was more tiring as we have had days in the 96 degree range lately including the day at the zoo so we are a bit sweaty looking in the pics lol.Well girls I need to get to bed as it is late/early already.I will update soon.God bless you all!

One step closer

Well all of my meds have now arrived including the lupro.n Yay! And now I am just waiting for the 16th to arrive as that is when I start my shots. I am also still working on raising funds for the transfer. We have had a couple of yard sales, sold stuff on craigsl.ist, put money away ourselves and have had a few wonderful people make donations. Which I can't say enough how much it has meant to us to see the kindness and generosity of others.Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! We now need less than $700.00 which I am hoping to raise the money before August. My old "chip in" ended so I had to put it back up.I had it set only to July due to the fact that we thought we were gonna try to get back on the donor embryo waiting list first and wanted to do it before the price increase.But now since we are going to do a FET with our remaining embie our fundraising time has been extended.Our ultimate goal is to get back on the donor embryo waiting list but it will be awhile before we can raise the funds for that.I am trying to get myself in a good mindset for my transfer. Trying to push my fears and concerns aside and adopt a very positive outlook.Right now I feel relaxed and positive that it will work but I also have not had to start my meds yet.So pray for me that I can stay in this relaxed positive state of mind.Well girls here we go again thank you for coming along for the ride. Love you all!

A decision made ...and it's back ordered

Well I know it has been a while since I posted and partially it is because my appointment for my follow up appointment hit me harder than I expected it took.I actually came to tears sitting in the parking lot with hubby before we went in.But all in all in went well. The doctor too his time with us and tried to figure out what might have happened.He said one reason it might not have worked is that the embryos did not keep splitting after they were thawed. But that is not a positive answer to what happened. As he explained it that is not a guarantee to it working or not working but that is does show them that everything is basically fine with the embies if they can see them them continuing to divide. He said sometimes they don't keep dividing right after they thaw them but that doesn't mean they won't do so after they are transferred.He did look back in my chart as he was talking to us and said that out of the set that made Nanner 2 were continuing to divide after they thawed them. So anyways after talking with him and some careful consideration we have decided to proceed and transfer our last little one. My transfer is set up for August.I will be starting a long lupron cycle (3 weeks of shots) on the 16th of July.I have never done this type of cycle before.I will also be on estrace and progesterone.So here comes the tricky part due to a national lupro.n shortage my lupro.n is back ordered.So even though I ordered it there is no guarantee that my lupro.n will be here in time for my cycle.I am really hoping it will as I would like a smooth cycle this time. We are currently in crunch time for raising funds and have had two yard sales and been selling things through c.raigslist.I know I already said it to you personally but "Thank you" again to those of you who contributed to our chip in, you have no idea how much that meant to us and I will never forget your kindness.We currently need to raise less than $900 to move forward with this FET.I am hoping we get there before the FET gets here.I did create a separate blog for Faceboo.k fundraising if anyone wants to share it as I do not share this blog on FB and hope that everyone understands that.I just like my privacy and place where I can be really honest with you all when I need to without worrying that family or friends will read it all.Anyways girls that is the update for now, I hope you all are well. Hugs to you all...

Follow up appointment today, where to go from here and how to get there

Today is my follow up appointment to discuss where we go from here.This should have been my first u/s appointment :-( I never went in to get my second beta drawn as it was too painful emotionally. I called the RE's and asked if I really had to since I already had a heavy period on the day I was supposed to go. They said they understood and since I already had a period that I did not have to.They also said it is a normal request after a negative first beta.I know that I have not blogged in quite a while, I just have not known what to say.I feel like I am stuck and cannot move forward with a FET with our 1 little embie as the funds are just not there since we had the non responsive cycle and then this failed transfer.Also we have no infertility coverage so it all is out of pocket consults, meds, u/s's, mock transfer, sono, FET's and blood work. All of it. If I fail at something I like to try again. Not being able to try again is unbelievably frustrating and painful.After talking with our donor coordinator on the phone DH and I have discussed what we want to do and what is the best thing to do right now.We are scared that with having one embie it's a long shot and big financial chance to take since it may not make the thaw.I would have gone through medicines and monitoring just to have nothing to transfer at the end.Also transferring just one does not have as high of a chance of a pregnancy. We have decided that the best next step is to get on the donor embryo list so that we can be matched while we are working towards our next transfer.We will still transfer our 1 little embie but maybe we will be matched by the time we can afford our next transfer so if it doesn't make the thaw we can still have a transfer. Unfortunately getting on the list is not cheap either.To make matters worse we found out that the donor embie program is facing another price increase as of July 1st. So that makes me more worried that it will be further out of reach.It is $2,025 just to get on the list to get matched etc.It covers the case fees etc but nothing towards transfer.But if we are paid by July 1st we will be grandfathered in at the lower prices.I know it's a long shot but my best friend in the whole wide world and I were talking and thought it may be a long shot but that I should put a chip in widget on my blog.I did tell her that I did have a donate button on here last year but had no donations so I really don't think it will work.So I have gone back and forth on it in my head as I feel like people think bad of you when you have one up.But let's face it ladies I am desperate and sad so really it can't make things any worse right? So I will be adding the widget and hoping to raise enough money to get on the list. We are also having a yard sale next weekend. But don't have a ton to sell. I am hoping we can at least make a couple hundred if we are lucky at it.I don't want anyone to feel pressured to help but I guess I won't know if anyone wants to unless I make it an option.Just know that you all mean a lot to me even if can't help.Your encouraging words and kind comments are always appreciated.

Stuck on sad

This has affected me more than I thought it would. I rehearsed in my head before we started all of this how I would feel if it didn't work I thought I would be "okay" but I never really anticipapted how emotionally devastated I would be.I am struggling and failing to not cry. I can't and don't have any drive to do my normal routine.The bare minimum is being done.This has brought back all of my emotional pain from my miscarriages.I hadn't realized that it was just under the surface waiting to be exposed.I didn't know it would consume me like it has.I think part of my hopelessness is that fact that we have 1 embryo left just 1.What if we go through a cycle and it does not make the thaw?? Besides that between our stim cycle that was cancelled and this one we can not afford to move forward in any way. I am paralyzed not only with grief but financially. I so want to just move forward and transfer our last embie but the finances are just not there. We have next to nothing left of the money we had in our baby fund.And our insurance won't touch any of it.We would like to get back on the donor embie list but that is so expensive.I just feel stuck like I am sinking and can doing nothing to pull my self up.Looking for a life line.....

Negative Beta.......

I am sad and angry.Sorry I just don't have any thing else to say.

Beta is today

I will go have my beta drawn in about 4 hours (8:30AM) yes I know I should be sleeping but I just can't. I can't shake this cloud I am under...

Losing hope....POAS

So I caved against my better judgement and POAS yesterday and today, both times it was a very,very BFN.I took the test 8dp3dt and 9dp3dt, I am losing hope and feeling discouraged.Beta is in 2 days on friday, not feeling very optimistic.With nanner I got a positive on 9dp3dt."sigh"

Feeling so low and sick to my stomach with stress, I wanna cry or get angry and scream.Or maybe I will just crawl under the covers and hide..

Our transfer day with pics! And today is our 3 year anniversary!

The day of our transfer was a beautiful morning.We got up at 7AM and left the house by 7:30AM.We arrived at our RE's office 10 minutes before 8:30 AM which was the time I was told to be there so we could be ready for our 9AM transfer.I was wearing my panties that I purchased months before for our transfer and we had our special post transfer snacks with us.


Our post transfer snowflake themed snacks,we had snowflake oreos with our last FET too.






My snowflake panties purchased for transfer day :-)



Beautiful day for our transfer!



Us on our way to the RE's



Me before going inside



After getting ready and remembering all of you!



Getting ready in the transfer room, I look a bit nervous :-)



Ultrasound started



Our transfer as it occurs (thems babies in there :-)



Being wheeled out afterwards




A note to our babies



Our beautiful babies!



Showing some love



Proud daddy!



Enjoying our cookies





Our note to our babies



The transfer went very smoothly.I was happy and surprised when they said both made the thaw and that we still had one frozen. The prayers worked girls! After having to stay there for an hour after transfer we were allowed to leave. I emptied my very uncomfortable bladder got dressed and we were on our way. We stopped by the same panera to grab food to go just like last time. We even ordered the same meals as last time and that part wasn't even on purpose lol.I ate in the car with my seat reclined and my feet on the dash :-) Just like last time. And then we tackled the hour drive home.I then began my bed rest which was hard to do when you feel like you should be doing things around the house. DH took 2 days off to be with me for the transfer and bed rest.Nanner was really struggling with why momma couldn't pick him up. He cried a lot. I had DH hand to me but he really wanted me up playing with him and carrying him around on my hip like I usually do. I am still on lifting restrictions (10 lbs) but that has been hard to adhere to since Nanner weighs 26 pounds. I only lift him from his crib and into it. I have him walk and hold his hand when I want to bring in his room for nap. DH does all of the lifting after he gets home from work.So there you have it finally an update. Sorry it has taken so long but I have been kinda struggling in the TWW. I didn't think it would get to me but it has.It has been hard to not think about the possibility of being PG again.At the same time I am scared to get my hopes up.I go from being sad, happy, stressed, excited and numb.I will most likely POAS but am unsure of when I will.Since I did not have to do a trigger shot there should not be a chance of a false BFP right? And now for the information that I know all of you were hoping to read and of course it is the last part of my post and that is my beta is on friday the 27th.So only about 3 days away! In other news our 3 year wedding anniversary is today the 24th! Well I guess that is it for now, take care girls. ((hugs)) Thank you for all your supportive comments on my last post.

Our update

They both survived the thaw and one remains frozen. The transfer went great and I am now on my strict bed rest.Thank you so much for all of the encouragements and prayers they mean so much.I will post a complete update including pictures soon. God bless you all!

Tommorow is the day!!!

My transfer is set for 9am tomorrow but I have to be there at 8:30am.Please pray for us that we don't lose any embies in the thaw,that we will have a smooth transfer and a positive outcome at beta time.I am not really nervous right now but maybe I will be tomorrow, until I take the valium that is lol.I have been trying to have less stress and it seems to be working.I went and saw bridesmaids last night with a friend and laughed so hard that I cried and and screamed with laughter. It has to be one of the funniest movies I have seen in a very long time. I seriously did not want it to end and was disappointed when it did. It was a great girls night out movie and highly recommend it if you are not too sensitive to language and dirty jokes and comments etc in movies.For some it may be offensive but it's not as bad as most comedies that are aimed at men.Well girls this is it, tomorrow will be here before I know it.Babies mommy and daddy are coming to get you, we love you already.

Counting down 2 days to go

Only 2 days stand between me and our FET.I am supposed to get a call tomorrow with the time.I started my progesterone today and decreased my estrace as directed.I have been busy getting things done around here since I will be on 48 hours strict bed rest after. We are going to pick up some groceries etc tonight. I am getting more excited as it gets closer but also nervous.We had a nice getaway last weekend with the boys. We stayed at a hotel that is just over an hour away that has an indoor pool and water slide. The boys loved it and we had a wonderful family trip. We also went for a long walk at the state park there.It was short and sweet but hubby had to work on Saturday so we couldn't leave until that afternoon.We plan to go again. I will be posting pics when I get a chance.The week before we also celebrated my middle sons 6 birthday by going to crazy bounce which is a place with inflatables. We all had a blast. I will post pics of that too.I have been trying to do things that I otherwise would not be able to if I had my FET on time. That has been my way of seeing the bright side of things. I was able to go down the water slide with my boys and crawl and bounce with them at the bounce place it was great. It also took my mind off our canceled FET.Hope you are all doing well!

My appointment yesterday and an update!

I had my u/s appointment yesterday and it went well.They said they like your lining to be at least a 8 at that point and my was 7.8. Which my u/s was done before my higher daily dose of estrace had a chance to kick in as I took it before I left for my appointment.They said it was fine and have no concerns that it will continue to get thicker.While she was doing my u/s she checked my ovaries and the right was quiet like they wanted but my left still had the follies from before but as a surprise to all of us it had a good sized follie in it.It was measuring 15mm and they are considered ready at 18-20mm. They were surprised that it had done that considering I had stopped the stims and was not responding to them before.At first the nurse said it may complicate my cycle and change things.But after she came back from talking to the doctor she said that he said it was no problem because the follie would be ready close to transfer so it would not affect things.So here I am with a real date for my FET,it is officially less than a week away.DH asked me if I was excited as we were walking out of the RE's office and I am but it feels a bit unreal after all the hang ups.I am now done with monitoring and will continue my estrace and will be adding in progesterone on the 13th.On the 14th I start my medrol and tetracycline while also continuing my estrace.My transfer date is set for Monday the 16th.They are calling me on the 14th with the actual time for my transfer.I also wanted to answer the question that some of you have asked about me stimming to make a follie before,I am going to link back to the explanation that I posted before so I don't have to type it all again.I thank you for your concern and questions. I love getting questions from all of you and love that you take the time to comment it means a lot to me. :-) I did ask the nurse about why they chose the stimming over the estrace cycle and she said they are one of the only offices that do that and that studies have shown them to be equally effective.She didn't get too much deeper into it than that.Here's the link to my previous post (previous stimming follie post) On a totally different subject I so need to post some pics and catch you all up on what we have been up to that is non fertility related.I will try to get to that soon.:-)

Where we go from here...and question for all of you

Sorry I have not posted sooner but I have been digesting our cancellation and some of the other things that go with it. Let me try to catch everyone up on what's going on. First and foremost I have to say with all of the stuff that has been happening in this cycle with my RE's office etc that this has been such a stressful cycle. If you have read my previous posts then you know that there has been more than a few hang ups and I thought that was all of them until I went in to see my RE on April 26th.The appointment started out bad with them not being able to draw blood from me,they had 2 people try and couldn't get any. So they had me move on to my u/s portion of my appointment just to find out that I had not been responding to the stim meds at all.Ugh! So then the nurse said that she needed to show my results to the doctor in order to get a new dose for the stims etc.She then promised to call me and said she would FOR SURE call me this afternoon.So we left and waited for the call. It started getting later but I know that they sometimes call after hours so I didn't sweat it too bad until it got to be 4:30pm and there was no call.At that point I tried calling the office and the phones were off and said they were closed.I still held out hope that they would be calling as I have gotten calls after 5pm before but no later than 5:15.So I thought just maybe they were just busy calling other patients and would be calling shortly. Well my shot was due at 6pm so as it got to be 5pm and there was no call I was anxious to say the least. We ended up calling their emergency number and had the answering service contact the doctor we let them know what was going on and when my shot was due etc and they said they would pass the message on to the doctor. So we waited and waited, 6pm came and went no call and then 6:30pm still no call. We didn't get a return call until 7pm.At which the point the doctor who obviously did not have my chart seemed semi annoyed that he was disturbed for this. He then said based on what I said he would up my dose temporarily.I was then told I should call the office between 1pm-2pm the next day to get further instructions.So I did do so the next day. I must say though there was no a real tone of apology after he found out that I had not be called back with instructions just kind of well it shouldn't happen but sometimes it does. And he went on to say they literally make 100's of phone calls a day and it is a lot for the nurses to keep up with. I felt like it was just explained away.I felt forgotten..Either way I did up my dose for the three days as instructed and I then went to my Friday appointment on the 29th of April.At that appointment they were going to see if I had made any progress on the higher dose. I had been informed by the nurse when I called them the day after they forgot me that I was looking at a possible cancellation if I did not respond as needed by that Friday. But she did say that may try a different route and I would have to wait and see the doctor on Friday.When I got there I asked them not to draw my blood until after my u/s as it would be a waste of money if the cycle could just be canceled anyways. They let me wait to have it drawn and I was glad I did as the u/s showed no change at all. After 9 days of stims Nada.(no real increase in the size of my follies and very thin lining) I find it so confusing that what worked last time had no effect on me at all. Simply crazy! So then they had us sit down with the doctor (not our doctor it was his partner) He seemed very concerned and understanding. He took the time to answer all my questions.I have seen him before actually most of this cycle and he did my mock/sono from before and my u/s that day.I have seen him more than my doc. I didn't use to care for him that much but I have to say that he has grown on me and that he seems more on top of things than my current doc.Maybe he can do the transfer if I ask the office??? Don't get me wrong my current RE is very nice but almost too nice to the point of being condescending.Sometimes he comes off kinda fake and very rushed, he used to be more genuine acting and took time with you, that is what drew me to him and his office originally. Also he is still building his practice larger and sometimes I feel like in doing so the office has lost that closeness and support it used to offer.I just think he is spread to thin and they have gotten too big.Anyway as we sat there with the other RE he explained that we would be switching meds and would still be using this cycle. They have decided to put me on an estrace only cycle.They are trying to build up my lining.The pros of doing this are we don't have to completely wait for a new cycle but I do have to be on it for 18 days which really is about as long as waiting for a my next cycle.Another pro no more shots for now.Also it is very cheap and available on most stores $4.00 RX lists.Yet another good thing about it is we know exactly when our FET will be, provided this works. It will be on the 16th of May.Which does make it a bit easier for planning purposes etc.I have to go back in on the 9th for a u/s and b/w to see if it is working so please pray for me that it is. I have to admit that I am a bit nervous and scared that this will not work as this is not the protocol that we used when we were successful.The Re did say that they use this one too and it works but the other is more natural.So I guess my question to all you that have done an FET or know someone who has were they successful doing the estrace only protocol?? I am trying to let go and think THIS WILL WORK but all the issues I had in my previous cycle make that hard.When I did talk to the nurse the day after they forgot me she did say stress could play a large factor in whether someone responds or responds well to meds.But that other factors are unknown. Well if they didn't want me to be stressed then maybe they should stop stressing me out,just a thought. ;-p There have been more issues then I have posted about but I just didn't feel like posting about them when the happened because I was really trying to let them go. In hindsight maybe I should have as it would have gotten them out and maybe made me feel better.One issue I had was realizing my favorite nurse from last time had become a product of her office. She became less caring, less personal and a bit snippy at times.We were almost like friends before (chatting on the phone for the sake of chatting after hours,she even left a note for me on transfer day since she was not working that day,I have given her cards, candy etc just because she was so supportive then) but I see two years have changed her.That made me sad :-( well girls I think that is about it for now, I will know more on Monday after my appointment.

And the result is....

Cancelled, I will post some more about what happened and what our plan will be next but tonight I am tired and feeling pretty ill from coming off those meds. Queezy, headaches and just plain yuckiness.

In 9 hours I find out if our cycle is cancelled...

I haven't blogged much as I have a lot going on but I will sum it up for now by saying that I have an appointment in 9 hours and that is when we will find out if this cycle will be cancelled. I was told I have a 50% chance of this happening. :-( I will post the full story later along will some other stuff that happened.

Needle dilemma ,appt update and approx FET date

Well I had my first U/S on Tuesday and it went well. No cysts or any other concerns. I also was able to get a med/cycle chart which has been so much nicer.Thank you those of you who commented on your concern that I should talk to the office and get things straightened out, which I did.I actually called the office on my way there to my appointment(it's about an hour drive) and asked if they would be able to have a chart ready for me and also discussed my concerns.While my concerns were indeed heard they were also kinda of explained away. The nurse did apologize that I didn't have my med chart sooner etc but also said she thinks what happened it that they do not have anyone else on a lupron flare and that is not a normal protocol used so the other nurses must have not really registered that I would need my meds sooner and need my med chart sooner. They were treating me like a normal patient that could wait until after their first u/s forgetting that I start stimming before my first u/s Either way I am set now. At least I thought I was until today we were going to do my lupron flare shot and I unrolled the roll of needles and I realized that there was NO WAY I was going to have enough to get me through until my next u/s and now we hit a holiday weekend. UGH! The specialty pharmacy apparently only sends 14 needles with that particular med and I use it twice a day. I have already been on it since last Monday and my next Appointment was not until Tuesday.I will be on it until my HCG trigger shot so I really have no idea how many needles I will end up using.More than 14 though...So I called the specialty pharmacy and they said they could send me more needles and of course charge me to do so, really? really?? But they couldn't get them to me until Tuesday afternoon due to the weekend. I was like umm that would be about 3 shots too late, even though I had just told her I needed it by Monday.I know it isn't completely their fault as my office had no instructions on the meds and I didn't know how many needles to expect it to come with it when it arrived as I did not have my med chart so I could not even estimate how many I needed.So I started to try to think of ways to get needles...Do I know any diabetics? Anyone in the medical field?? Can I reuse a needle, how bad would be really?? Sad,sad,sad. Not how I thought I would spend my Friday.In case anyone out there doesn't know you can not just buy needles at a pharmacy you have to have a prescription, so my options were limited. I ended up calling my RE's office even though I figured they would be closed (due to Good Friday) I got the nurses voicemail and to my surprise she indeed called me back I asked her to call me in a script locally for needles and she did, 5 days more worth.Not sure if that will be enough but for now it gets me through until I get in for my appointment on Tuesday.I go in for a u/s and a blood draw.So I am hoping for good news.Last time I only had to stim long enough to get me to that first u/s and bloodwork and I was ready to go.About 6 days total. But I am scared this time that will different.I am currently on day 4 of follistim and day 6 of luprolide. A total of 3 shots daily except today I got an extra poke of follistim because DH forget to up the dose and we had to add it in a another shot."sigh" I am on CD 8. When I went to my appointment on Tuesday they estimated that if everything went as planned I would have an approximate FET date of April 30th. But of course that is approximate.Anyways I am not even going to ask can it get any worse as far as things going wrong because I know it can. I am trying to not let it get to me.Maybe it all will make a great story to tell our baby someday on hard it was to get ready to go bring them home.So next on my plate is Easter day, we have a small gathering at my mom's that day and no one knows we are going through this but we will have at least 1 possibly 2 shots that we will have to do. Any ideas how to pull that off. I have DH do them as I just cannot for the life of me bring myself to stab myself, I know I am a wimp but there is just something about shoving a sharp piece of metal in my own skin that makes me flinch.So if we both disappear into the bathroom are people going to have hokey thoughts? lol Will they assume we are having a disagreement? :-) I don't know I just hate having to hide this it sucks. And how in the world do I smuggle a cooler into Easter with out looking like a drunk?? :-) lol Well girls It's time for my shot 3am so I need to go and then I can go to bed.Take care everyone and Happy Easter!

AF arrived, 2 lupron shots down and an appt today

Let me just start out by saying it has been the most unorganized cycle I have ever had. The office never sent me a med/cycle/plan calender so I am kinda just piecing info together.UGH Well AF arrived on Saturday so that was officially CD 1 so here we go! Previous to this my only instructions I had received from the office was to call when my AF arrived.Well it arrived on Saturday and they are closed so I couldn't call. But I did call call today. When I called I did not get a real person cause I never do and left a message. I had a phone call returned about 2 hours later.On the call the nurse very casually asked me if I had indeed started my lupron this morning , I was like um no I had no idea I was even supposed to.I told her I don't even have a med schedule. So there goes shot number 1 down the drain.Apparently I was supposed to start them on CD 3 which would have been today but they have to be 12 hours apart so it was to late by the time she called back because she wanted the other given at a specific time. I am just thinking it would have been WONDERFUL if some one had bothered to go over my meds and mailed a plan to me with doses.(as my lupron was not even marked with it,it said ask doctor) Needless to say my day has been craptasic. But I am trying to pull it out of feeling like that and separate the experience from the goal, but my fear it the people/experience could compromise the goal.I feel like they never even considered "what if she gets her AF on the weekend?" Had no plans etc.At least they did not have me prepared for it. The greatest kicker of all of it was the nurse seemed a little concerned to whether I even had my meds yet and for good reason, she or whomever the last nurse I talked to had told me to tell the mail order pharmacy that I needed them by the 20th.Lucky for me I am not a sit around wait to get this done kinda girl so I pressed them for a week to fix things and told them I needed them by the 14th and 15th because I felt better knowing they were here.So they arrived only 3-4 days before I needed them. If I had listened to the nurse I would have no meds right now and no lupron to even do my shots.This whole experience has been a let down this time it's like they just are less personal or don't care like they used to.I start my follistim on the 19th and am going for my baseline u/s today in the afternoon.I am so sorry everyone for seeming so down lately I know it will pass but I just am frustrated and feeling negative and blue when in reality I should be feeling so excited. I need to work on that or find a way to change it.Anyways hugs to you all. It is just past 3 am and due to our funky schedule DH is just about to give me another shot.Before he leaves for work gulp! Yay shots! not really :-(

Getting closer

Wow it has been a while since I last posted and I was seriously going to try to not let that happen but here I am.So let's catch up I took my last BCP today TA DA gone.Now I wait for AF let's hope she is not as tardy as last time.I am to call the RE office when she arrives and inform them of my start day and we go from there. I begin stimming on CD day 5.Last time I only required 5 days of stims so hopefully I respond the same.If and this is a big if AF arrives on time and I respond to my meds like I did last time then my tentative FET date will be somewhere around April 27th-29th. Unfortunately this would also place my beta on or right by Mother's Day an aspect that I am not so crazy about but, hey what do you do?? I mean it could be great news but if it's not then well it be kind of a downer. I am sure I do not have to explain.So remember when I said I ordered my meds well it has taken until tonight at 6pm to get it all straightened outIt has also taken about 10 phone calls over the last week.Crazy! Seriously! So finally now they should be shipped out tomorrow.One item is supposed to arrive tomorrow we will see if it does and the rest is due to arrive on Thursday.For some reason my case being was passed back and forth at the mail order specialty pharmacy.They could only fill part of my order at one location,(Texas) and the rest will come from ann arbor in my own state.After phone tag on different days, my case waiting for assignment, them breaking up the order, and then after we thought it was complete and we were reviewing it finding out the RE forgot to call something in and having to wait for that to be added we are finally done Sheesh! So even after all the comments I received on how many to transfer I still was struggling with what to do.There were a few reasons. I thought I had my mind made up after we left the initial consult ( Transfer 3), but then a nurse I know was very opinionated with me on what she thought(2),I was given info through the same nurse on was the embryologist thought(2), so I then asked for more info on the embryo grades that the donors had used when they got PG and the previous couple before as I wanted to compare grades and then I had a nurse present this info to a doctor (it's was the other RE) along with our info he said he felt that our chances of multiples were less than the first doc intially stated (back at 3). Oy! I had never been so confused in my life.I was really struggling with all of this on Sunday night I really was not sure about transferring 3 but was scared to only transfer 2.I really was starting to lean towards transferring only 2 when I got a call the next day from the RE's office it was the nurse. She was calling to tell me that they (my RE and the embryologist) had their review of my case since my transfer was coming up and have decided that only 2 will be transferred. I can not tell you the feeling of relief that passed through my body to not have to make that decision any more.But I just really wish that would have been the answer I got weeks ago when I first asked at our consult so I would not have been stressing this whole time.Either way it is done. So true how God knows just what you need and when you need it.He knew this decision was to big for my heart and he made it for me what a loving father, taking care of his daughter.All of this uncertainty has been part of the reason I have not blogged much as I just could not get into a good calm mental place but now I am finally get there AWWWW relief :) So we are looking at about 2 weeks girls, I am sure it will be here before we know it. I am nervous and scared and excited all in one. This time has been harder and more lonely as we are not telling anyone like before so even though I have a very small support system to begin with, it's even smaller with me not telling hardly anyone. I have only told about 3 people and 1 was completely necessary as they will be watching the boys during transfer.My family does not know and would most likely say something that would upset me or stress me out so this seems to be the wisest move.Plus it is very hard having many people know and ask if it worked afterwards and hounding you for when are you going to take a PG test. So while this does make a very lonely time and make me feel dishonest I am trying to learn from last time and all of these things are stuff I experienced.Well girls I guess that is it for now but I will try harder to blog more. God bless you all!

Ordered meds and the answer to the follie question

I ordered my meds today and am currently on bcp pill 11. That means I have 6 more to go. I wanted to answer of couple of you that had questions regarding why they want me to produce a follicle if I am using donor embryos. :-) So here goes.They want me to produce at least 1 follicle because at my clinic they are trying to replicate the natural cycle that a women's body would go through if she got PG on her own.I know at some clinics others are given transfer dates ahead of time and they know when they will be having their FET. Well because of the way my clinic does it,I do not. They go by my body and cycle and what all monitoring tells them. They decide when to transfer after I have responded to stims enough to make a 1 good follie and after my lining is looking good etc. I kinda liken it to double dutch jump rope they are waiting, watching and ready to jump in to action. Ready for that moment when my body would have ovulated and they time that with the transfer so that my body indeed thinks that the embies trying to implant are not just there by accident but that I ovulated and created them therefore my body now needs to get busy taking care of them and nurturing them ;-)This is the same protocol as last time so and is just the way they do things. Doesn't make any other RE's way wrong just is what my clinic likes to do and finds works for them.Any more questions please feel free to ask :-) I love hearing from all of you.

Mock and sono update along with a tenative plan

I had my mock transfer and sono today. They both went well but again were painful as I have a very difficult cervix.I was told everything looked good and that it went smoothly. He did tell me something that I was not aware of and that was that my cervix had torn during childbirth. I find it a tad bit annoying that no one EVER mentioned that to me.It would have been nice to know.And it also explains some of the intense pain I experienced for so long after I gave birth. Long after everyone kept saying that it shouldn't hurt that much still. I chalked it up to everyone is an individual and recovery time is different and that I had torn and had stitches sooo...But the pain I felt was not surface pain it was deep inside so NOW I know why.I am hoping that this in no way will affect me carrying a baby to term. My RE didn't seem overly concerned so I am guessing it will be okay. Just saying it would have been nice if someone felt the need to tell me.I probably should not be sharing this but while I was talking to him about the lack of knowledge about my torn cervix I mentioned that I had a horrible birth experience (My birth experience post part 1), part 2, part 3 and that the rotten resident doctor that delivered nanner was the one who never told me about it.I told him a bit about my experience and he said "wow, who did you have?" I then told him the name. He said "ohhhh...." I detected sympathy and a look of knowing came across his face. I then said you must know him and he said "yes he spent a month with us here,I normally don't say anything about other doctors but he is a doofus" He went on to tell me that the man had switched careers midlife and decided that he no longer wanted to be an engineer and decided at the of age late 40's to go into medicine.(lucky me) Unfortunately he was a much better engineer then doctor and he should have probably stayed one. You would think finding this all out would really upset me but hearing a doctor that I respect call him a doofus gave me some closure that I really, really needed.I always had that nagging feeling that all the stuff I felt about that guy was in my head and that maybe DH was just agreeing with me to make me happy.(Hey it happens) But to hear that someone else had the exact same opinion of him ,maybe not quite as bad as me since I actually gave birth with this man,but it healed my heart and gave me the peace and courage that if I get PG again that it doesn't have to be that bad as what are the chances that I will get an engineer to deliver my baby again right???? Not to mention I asked my doctor if he was still around and he said to the best of his knowledge he is now back in Utah where he came from.(So sorry for you girls in Utah) So moving on I am on day day 3 of BCP's and they are giving me horrible headaches and making me nauseous everyday since I started taking them. Has anyone else experienced this on them. I am hoping it will pass. I am on lo seasonique.

My meds that I will have to get for this cycle are or am currently using are

BCPS-Taking currently and will continue for 17 days total, I have 14 left to go.

Valium-Took today for mock and sono and will get a another RX for the FET

Tetracycline-Took today for mock and sono and will get another RX for the FET

Follistim- Have not purchased yet, this is started about CD 5 of my next period and continued until they get at least one good follie.


Lupron -Have not purchased yet,this was used last time to help keep things quiet as I tend to get ovarian cysts.I believe it was given for a few days before follistim was started last time.

HCG trigger shot- Have not purchased yet, this is given about 4 days before FET

Medrol-Have not purchased yet, this is taken 2 days before FET

Progesterone/prometrium-Have not purchased yet, this I will start 2 days before the FET and continue until my beta or until 11 weeks PG

I did use estrogen last time but they have discontinued it as part of their protocol after studies have shown there was no effect in increased pregnancy outcomes.So no estrogen this time.

I am bit scared to see how much the meds come to (we don't have IF coverage)I am hoping they have come down in price in the last year and a half or so.Hey a girl can dream can't she :-) We turned in the rest of our paperwork today and now the mock and sono are completed.I am on day 3 soo to be day 4 of BCP's and that is where I am at. Now we wait for my next AF.I can't believe I am really doing this, I am scared and exciting all in one.

Finally!

So AF arrived friday morning (CD 43) with quite a bang.While I am glad she came finally I am not digging how bad she is acting. The pain is no fun at all.I called the Re's and told them and I am now scheduled for my mock/sono on Tuesday the 29th of march next week. I also am supposed to start my BCP's this Sunday. Apparently AF came just late enough but too early for us to use this cycle for "the" cycle so my transfer will be with my next period. The nurse did say I could shorten the BCP's and only take them for 17 days in order to shorten things up a bit if I want.So there you have it here I go... P.s Thank you Marilyn for the AF rain dance you did for me lol I think it worked!! Your too funny girl but atleast you made me laugh and that was what I needed:-)

An update on things

So still no AF, yup really no AF.I have no idea where in the world she is.And yes I have taken 2 HPT's spaced 4 days apart.So no chance of a surprise, but I never really thought that was a possibility anyways. So at first I was thinking AF being late was a bad thing since it would delay my transfer and make it so I would not make my April goal for a transfer. But if she isn't too much later it could be a good thing.See they were not using this cycle for my transfer anyways only for my mock and sono.But after I talked to the nurse she said that if my AF gets here late but obviously not too late we can use it for my transfer. Which would move my transfer up from late April/early may to early/mid April.So I am trying to see this as a good thing. It also means that I do not have to take BCP's.They were going to use those to control my cycle before.I am currently on CD 40. I am normally a 27 to 28 cycle girl so this is crazy.I think the longest I have had between is 42 days and that was after I had Nanner and several months ago. I have not recently lost anymore weight, started exercising etc.I have even stopped really thinking about it hoping that would help.That is why I haven't blogged until now.We did have our required counseling appointment last week and that went good.We turned in all but one of our paper works as it got left at home but they said it was fine to bring it to our sono/ mock and have them witness it then.In other updates my oldest "G" turned eight last week I can't believe how big he is getting.Time moves so fast.Nanner is talking up a storm and running like crazy.He is big on using his manners lately.And my middle son "A" who is 5 soon to be 6 warms my heart with his ever growing thoughtfulness. Well girls that is where I am for now, kinda in the middle of nowhere.So I guess I will getting going so I can hurry up and wait some more :-)