Sunday, June 27, 2010

Where to go?

We just found out that DH has a 4 day weekend coming up because his work has a floating holiday and they decided to use it for the 4th. We have decided to take advantage and go somewhere but where? So here I sit on the internet searching the different travel sites looking for destinations that are drivable and planable on such a short notice and not a big budget.We may try to find somewhere in our state that we have never been before or not in a very long time or visit a nearby state not sure yet.I am so excited!! I love road trips no matter where they are to. :-) P.S Thank you for all of your kind and loving comments on my last post they truly touched my heart...

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Dear Daddy in heaven

Dear Daddy,
The last Father's Day I spent with you was one month before I lost you.I was just 16, I am now 33.I have missed you each Father's Day since and not a single day goes by that I don't wish you were here instead of in heaven. Daddy you have never met my children but I know that if you could that you would love them and they would love you too! It makes me sad to say that you have now been gone from my life longer than you were in it.So since I can't be with you to tell you how I feel and to celebrate like many others I will write you this letter and share it. I will share it for others to see who also have lost their dads and cannot spend fathers day with their fathers because you are always in our hearts. I love you daddy and miss you so very much! -your daughter Megan (aka potsie and pumpkin)

Monday, June 14, 2010

A post from the brighter side of things and happy 6 months Nanner boy

I just want to thank all of you for your kind comments and support.Sometimes a girl just needs to vent.I sure wish that I lived closer to all of you wonderful girls.It also helped to know that there were others in a similar situation out there, not that I am happy that my fellow bloggers are lonely too but it's comforting to know that we do have that in common.So on a happier front around here as I promised that was coming well first and foremost I have lost 30 pounds since February 23rd(that's when I started dieting) which means I lost 30 pounds in just about 16 1/2 weeks and 47 pounds since I gave birth in December. I am officially 9 pounds away from my prepregnancy weight.Not that it was where I wanted to be but it is my first goal. By next goal is my wedding weight/prefertility med weight which is 28 pounds away. So as you can see I am over half way to my ultimate goal.I have until September to reach this goal and I hope I can.I was thinking august before but now September seems more reasonable.Dh was on 1st shift originally and then got put on 2nd for several weeks and now is back on 1st which allows us to all be out and active as a family so that is why the weight came off so much more quickly before and it seems to be picking up again. :-) Also I want to say Happy 6 months to my Nanner Baby!! I cannot believe he is 6 months already!!!Another good thing that happened recently is that my RE's office called the other day. It was our donor embryo coordinator and she wanted to know if I would be willing to call a patient of theirs and talk to her about the donor embryo process since I had been through it myself and the patient was really looking for someone who had experienced it. It felt so good to know that out of all of their patients (they have several success stories) she picked me.She said so many nice things to me about why she chose me and how she thought I could help it felt good to be trusted with one of their patients. She said she knew I was the just the right person to call as soon as the woman expressed an interest in speaking with someone and feeling like she was the only one going through this process. I had a very nice conversation with her I will call her "S" for her privacy and she further told me how many nice things the donor coordinator told her about me.Which I won't lie felt really good after a bad week :-) "S" had many of the same fears, questions and excitement that I had starting this process it was so nice to be able to be there for her.She is currently on our RE's list and is awaiting embies which the time frame can range dramatically for but I am so excited for her. I just know that she will have her match soon.I look forward to hearing from her and about her process as we we plan to keep in touch by phone.She lives about 3 1/2 hours from me.So there you have some better news from the home front. We are planning a walk as a family tonight and now we can eat dinner as a family again Yea!First shift is nicer but still as always a change in schedule takes some time for us to adjust to since DH has to be to work at 4am most days EEK! And 6am on normal days.Still eek!Well girls I should go for now but again thank you all so much for all the kind words and support. ((hugs)) P.s I was gonna post pics but blogger won't let me :-(

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Loneliness makes you talk to strangers (WARNING I am sad and angry and may offend sorry in advance)

I would not call me a particularly shy person but I am not a overly outgoing person. I guess it just depends on the situation.But my recent loneliness has driven me to new levels that I think even I am surprised at.Let me start my saying that DH and I have really no one else besides each other and the boys. No close family ( do I really need to explain his family again) and mine is very very small meaning deceased and spread out.All I really have left is a mother, sister and brother( my brother is not speaking to my mother and the rest of us by default).My father died when I was 15. My sister lives about 3 hours away and my brother again not speaking to anyone lives over an hour away.So here we are basically alone.I do have friends but they are all caught up in their own lives and families.And what DH and I have noticed is that for some reason me now having Nanner seems to have pushed a few more away. Not that I would trade him for them anyways but it is odd to me how people can decide to pull away just because you add a member to your family.See the strange thing here is that it's not like we were child free before Nanner so honestly what's one more? Really? I have to say when I noticed the largest pull away is right after I had him and I dare utter a few dreaded words and they were the following "I think I have the baby blues." Yes I was down.Yes I was reaching out.And they scattered like I was catchy.Actually if I had something like a stubbed toe I would have had a better shot at some compassion.Which I do find ironic since I have been there for ALL of them for all of their problems.I have gotten calls and all times of the day and night for everything from broken hearts (this one has happened the most), depression, job loss, marriage issues, infidelity,deaths/loss, health scares, good ole fashioned DRAMA,financial woes,family troubles and the list goes on. I have listened,cared, prayed and extended myself for them each and every time. Am I angry? Has it caught up to me? Yes! And Yes! I have now decided that the doctor is no longer in. No more advice no more free sessions. I am tired of being used tired of always giving and giving in very one sided relationships that I seem to be in.It has gotten to the point that no one calls UNLESS they want something.Not to spend time with me.Not to see me or my family.Not to chat to catch up and share small talk.Here is an example of a few calls from different friends lately if it weren't for these there would be none. Call #1 Did your mom open her pool yet? Call #2 We want to sell our extra TV you want to buy it? Call #3 My husband is still not being a good husband or father, I don't know what to do? (for the record this has been ongoing for 3 years he will never change and she will never listen,I give up)Do I seem bitter I guess I do.I am so tired of fake friends.People who say they are there for you and they are really not.The truth is they are there for themselves.They are there for what THEY can get out of the relationship and I have had enough. So when I am called for a issue someone is having I will have to politely excuse myself from the phone as I am no longer taken hours upon hours from my DH and boys to be there for people who are not there for me. Friendships are two sided and you have to give in order to get. I have taken way too much time from my immediate family to help others and I am done. My heart still stings and hurts from being left for months to cry alone daily while I was suffering from PPD.Did anyone come see me,chat with me on the phone or say lets grab a bite to eat, go for a walk, see a movie, go to the mall, offer to help with the baby or anything that would have been better than me just sitting here ruminating on my sadness. That's a big fat NADA!! Did I do those things for them when they had tough times? I think you know the answer.So because of my desire to have friends but lets say real ones I have decided to start shopping for new ones. (and no I am not divorcing my old ones) This is no small feat when you are 33 years old.Everyone has their best friends and their groups of friend they hang out in and it is so very hard to make new ones. I have no idea where to begin.Most would say our church but our church has next to no families with young children actually it has next to no people in general.It has been struggling to grow for quite a while now.So I will confess we have not been going as it no longer calls to us.We are overwhelmed at the prospect of looking for a new church but know that it has to be done.So yes I know that I need to start there for my quest for new friends I have no preference of if they are mommies or not.But I think childless people would not be drawn to us realistically.DH and I really would like a family similar in moral and values to share outings, picnic, zoo trips, double dates etc with.But feel like it is just a dream.Anyways so here comes the place where the title of my post makes sense. DH, Nanner and I were at Panera Bread yesterday and two ladies were in line together one clearly pregnant and also had a toddler boy who was about 18 months if I had to guess and the other one had a infant boy who was 9 months (this I know because she told me) The one with the 9 month old starting talking to me about Nanner asking how old,his name (which she loved!)she talked about how cute he was and asked what he was doing at this stage etc and making friendly small talk.It was nice.I mean really nice to talk to another woman and she didn't want anything from me just wanted to be friendly and talk about our babies and when she might consider having her next one etc.I was envious of their relationship I wished I had a girlfriend to go to lunch or dinner with and share chit chat with and laugh with.So after I had gotten up for something I stopped by their table I stopped and said "This is gonna sound weird but do guys have any ideas for meeting other mommies?" She was like"Oh hunny it's not weird at all and I really wish I could help but we're from Phoenix" She then went on to suggest church etc.She said she has heard that to be a common complaint and she always feels so bad for fellow mommies.She was very sweet.But yes it would be my luck that they would be from out of state.After Panera we headed to Kohls and while there I saw two women I went to high school from a distance ( no one I was close to in school) they were shopping away having their girl time.I stopped in my tracks for a moment and DH was like what's wrong and I told him who they were and they were close through all these years and I wish I had a girlfriend like that.(don't get me wrong I love my husband but I really need me some girl time living with all these boys)And yes I got teary.He did his best to comfort me and wiped them away and I tried to push it out of my mind.And before anyone mentions what about my mom I must say that she is not into hanging out in a girl way at all. She is older (67), set in her ways and not much into the whole grandma scene.She does love her grandchildren but she does not babysit,play with,help out with,visit with them.It may surprise a few of you to find out that she did not come to the hospital while I was in labor.Or come see me and help out with the baby while I was recovering at home after I gave birth or while I was struggling with PPD.She did pop into the hospital for about 15-20 minutes the day after we had him but that was it.My sister never showed up at all.Did I go see her after she gave birth, again you know the answer.My mom does her senior travelers trips, goes out to eat often along with a few other things that she does with only certain people.So now that I have that all explained maybe you all can see where I am coming from.It's a little place I like to call lonely avenue. I have to say ahead time that I have shared a lot in this post and please be polite that if you do not agree or feel like you can say anything nice please do not comment as I am depressed enough already.I have been feeling this way for awhile but have not been sharing with any of you but finally I felt like it might help me to do so.There have been some good things happening around here too but I will catch up on those next post I had to get this out first.

Friday, June 4, 2010

The boy in him is coming out already :-)

Here is nanner blowing zerberts on my arm while I was at my laptop the other day.He totally caught me off guard since it was the very first time he has ever done it.At only 5 months he has already joined the ranks with the other boys in the household and is loving making the sounds boys love to make.I am the only girl in the whole house :-)Sorry for the shaky video but I was trying catch him in the act without him knowing since every time he would see the camera he would stop.Yes that is me in the background laughing my hinny off at him but I couldn't help it, it was just too cute. I know in a couple of years it won't be but for now it was adorable!

My snowflake items

My snowflake items
DH got me these after we officially accepted our set of snowflake babies