Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Breast feeding has come to an end, birth story part 3 and well just keep reading

I was planning on doing this post as the third part of my birth story until I realized that it is pretty much told. So now I will move on to why it has taken me so long to post after his birth and why it was so sporadically.First I want to share with you my experience with breast feeding which to be very honest I was not one of those "blessed" mothers who every thing went picture perfect for.It is truly and honestly one of the hardest things I have ever done.There are so many variables and things that have to be just so or happen at a certain point for it all to work out. And even then there is no guarantee that you won't hit a road block and have to start all over figuring out what went wrong.For me it started at the birth center right after he was born with them taking him away for several hours before I could even try to breastfeed him and continued with nurses that were less than helpful with getting me started. They were more threatening and uncaring than helpful. They would make statements if he was 15-60 minutes past when they thought he should eat like,(nurse vicky) "did he eat yet?" (me) "no, I have tried but he refuses to wake up." (nurse vicky)spoken sternly "well I will be back in 30 minutes, by then you should have him fed" 30 minutes later...(nurse vicky..again sternly) "did he eat yet??" (me) "no I tried 3 times he still refuses, he is just so tired from the birth early this morning" (nurse vicky) "well you have to give him a bottle then or I have to stick him to check his sugar and he will cry because it will hurt!" (me..in defeat)"I guess bring me a bottle" I gave him the bottle which he completely threw up after he ate it.These exchanges we not uncommon between me and the nurses.I was reduced to tears feeling backed in to a corner on a few different occasions I knew that to ensure proper breastfeeding I should not introduce a bottle so soon but they did not care and acted like I was starving him. For the record when he did feed it was on his own schedule not theirs and he did well.It was going well until we got home and he just quite.He had developed a bad latch which I sought help from lactation counselors to correct. Their help only frightened him causing him to go on a nursing strike. The one lady was very hands on and gagged him with my breast multiple times. We may have had a bad latch before but he least he took the breast willingly. Meanwhile the pump that I had that we saved money to get as you all know things are tight did not work for me at all. It was a double electric lan.sinoh pump.That was devastating as that meant that if he wasn't taking the breast and my pump was not a good one for me that my milk supply was going to be very reduced. And it did go down. I was put on reglan to help bring production back up and borrowed a friends medela which worked way better for me (and yes I did have a new tubing, horn kit etc for it)My milk did come up as long as I was using that pump and on the reglan but the medication is not a long term drug it is only meant to get things going.So I am off it now and for weeks he has been getting mostly formula. He did nurse really good while he had RSV but as soon as he got well he quite.On top of all the issues my migraines have returned, I had them before pregnancy but was on a preventative medication that I had to stop before our transfer. They got way worse during my first and second trimesters and were gone my last trimester. About 2 weeks after I had him they returned and are continuing to get worse.I was going to just tolerate them but since my breastfeeding experience is coming to an end I have decided to go back on my medication.I saw my family doctor today and I may decide to start it as early as tomorrow. So there you have it girls there are several struggles and tears I left out but you get the gist of it. I felt like a failure for weeks and now I am numb.But I think in the end this is the right choice.

Now for the hard news I have been diagnosed with PPD.I have been hiding this from all of you and I am sorry.Recently a fellow blogger of mine that gave birth 5 weeks after me announced she had it. She is the reason why I have decided to share this with all of you, by reading her post I realized I was not alone and that it can happen to me EVEN if I have struggled with IF actually from what I have researched especially if I did. It seems that IF'ers have a higher incidence of PPD as well as women who have a bad birth experience and any other stressors like financial struggles "ding ding ding" that's all me too.My bad breast feeding experience has only compounded things.Lets not forget sleep deprivation,extreme weight gain and lack of family support.DH and I only have each other and he has recently (2 weeks ago)taken a temp job, due to his layoff, that they have him working 60 hours a week at. He has to get up at 3AM which means I am the only one taking care of the baby at night to mention getting my oldest up for school and my 4 year old too.Plus the other chores,meals,milk pumping,bathing, bills, cleaning, pets you name it goes on. Dh is literally exhausted from the hours he works and so am I. The PPD weighs on me like a ton of bricks some days. Don't get me wrong I love all of my children and I am very happy to have my little mason.They all can make me smile on days I thought I wouldn't. I have tried to hide the tears from the children and for the most part I have.I am not on medication for the PPD as it can not be used with reglan and I have been hoping it would pass.And it is slowly starting to. I am convinced that if I could just get sleep at night that I would feel even better.The PPD was at the worst 1 week through 6 weeks after his birth. I have noticed that with each passing week or so things seem to be fading. But there are still bad days complete with tears,impatience and frustration but they are not as plentiful. I have to say the one of the worst parts of it was that I would feel sad or guilty about feeling sad or guilty so it fed into itself. I was scared how it would be received by the blog community of fellow IF'ers but I know that all of you will achieve your dreams of a baby someday and I thought that if by sharing my story that even one of you is helped then it is worth it. Because the feeling alone and hiding it from all of you only magnified it for me.I will end this post by saying that if you have nothing nice to say then please have respect and keep it to yourself.There is no way a informed,intelligent,caring human being would attack a fellow human being while they are down and if what you want to do is hurt me then follow someone else's blog your are not welcome here.That said I know that my girls on here are all caring,intelligent,informed and loving so I have no worries about all of you.Just for a heads up I may be turning on comment moderation because I will not allow mean people to get up on their soapbox and hurt me I have been through enough.So now you all know my secret and why I was missing a bit more those earlier weeks.I hope you still will continue to follow and be my blogger girls. Hugs to you all...And God Bless!!

12 comments:

Leslie Laine said...

I just read your story and wanted to write you a note of support. I, too, had breastfeeding difficulties after my baby's birth, and it was absolute torture! I think IF makes it even harder to give it up emotionally. Also, just because you had IF difficulty, you aren't exempt from PPD-it's an illness, not a choice, and you have so much going on! I hope that things are gettting better. You're in my thoughts!

twondra said...

You go girl. :) I hope you don't get any mean comments.

So proud of you for being honest and opening up. I know that couldn't be easy.

Thinking about you! Give Mason a big hug for me. :)

Michele said...

Oh my gosh girl!! you've been through so much! I know it's one more thing on your list, but seriously you should contact administration at the hospital you delivered at. Let them know of your experience with the OB staff (use names). You should NOT have been pressured and guilted the way you were. I am appalled at how you were treated! PPD is a real issue and not something you should ever feel bad about. I am glad it's starting to look better for you in that department, but know that there are many people who understand and will support you!! Take care!

Angela said...

I am so glad that you shared with us where you are. I don't know if waiting for soo many years and dreaming so long sets us up when delivery and breastfeeding don't go the way we had invisioned? All I know is that I had to process everything for over a YEAR! I'd have flashbacks and I swear I had Post Tramatic Syndrome from my hospital stay. I know that is different from what you are going thru although I had my days and I made my hubby keep track of me, so that if I did spiral down we could get help quickly. All of your hormones, the expectations, the newness, the sleep deprivation is all a TRIP!!! Not to mention the VERY emotional trip when breastfeeding Isn't going the way you thought. I'm so sorry you didn't get the loving help ALL Mom's need when starting a baby on the breast. And it doesn't stop there, we need more support when we get home! I spent many days in tears re: not being able to produce enough for our babies and almost giving up and then not and then almost and then finally deciding we'd had enough.

I just want to give you a huge hug and tell you that you are not alone when it seems like it. Keep talking to each other, to your doctors and anyone else around you, neighbors, support group and I'll pray you can get some loving support and help! Hugs, Angela

embieadoptmom said...

PPD is real. Praying things get better every minute! Hugs to you and Mason!

Jen said...

Me too!!! I could have written your post- call me!!!

Hugs!!!

Meant to be a mom said...

I'm so sorry to hear that you've been struggling with ppd. I want you to know that when I was prego and about to have Coop my doctor strongly warned me and talked to my husband about the signs and told us that there was a big chance I might have ppd.
I was lucky and did not have it but I guess your right and most women who have fertility issues are at a higher risk.

I'm thinking of you, and praying for you sweetie.

Mel B. said...

I just wanted to let you know that your not alone which I am sure you can tell by all the responses. I had to stop nursing my 2 year old at about 6 weeks due to some issues with her, she was very sick and I lost all my milk and I didn't have much to begin with. I too did all the meds but it didn't do much at all. When it takes all day to pump one bottle its not worth it. I know its very hard and then you see others doing it and its even harder but the most important thing I learned was that you have to do whats right for you and your little one and spending happy time with them is more important than anything else. Stress over feeding is the last thing you need. Just enjoy your baby and hang in there.

Isaac Dakota said...

Wow, you've really had a rough go of it. Sleep deprivation is enough to drive you batty and make you super emotional but you add all the other stuff you've gone through on top of it and it would be hard to not have all that weigh down on you. I'm glad you are getting help for the PPD. It is so much better to talk about those feelings and let people know what is happening so that you can get the help you need. Having a new baby (as you may already know) is tough enough and you want to be able to have the best start possible. And don't worry about what others do with their newborns or what the books say. Sometimes you just have to go with what works for you and your family and your unique situation. You are you and your baby's best advocate so don't forget that and be confident in doing what you think is best. I'm glad you are beginning to feel better.

ks and jd said...

I'm so sorry the birth and bf'ing didn't go as it should. It's not a surprise about the PPD. I almost expect it after the struggles of IF, or PTSD... If you get any negative feedback, just remember there is a large number of us who do support you and wish you better days ahead! Take care of yourself!

Michele said...

Oh Sweetie... PPD is nothing to be ashamed of. A dear friend of ours had it and suffered in silence for so long. I am glad you are getting help; that is the first big step. Saying a prayer for you!!!

It is devastating when BFing doesnt work out. Even when you try everything and have support (which I did), I still only made it to 3mo. I'm sorry that you didnt have the support you needed and deserved. Have you thought of writing a letter to the birthing center? They should know what is going on with their BFing support.

Peppermint Patty said...

If you can't breastfeed, DO NOT FEEL GUILTY! Your health and well-being come first. If you aren't feeling good then no one benefits.

Don't stress about it. If you want to continue to breastfeed, do it. If you don't, it's no ones business.

I hope Mason and your boys are 100% feeling better and that your PPD is being monitored and you get back to normal soon.

<3

My snowflake items

My snowflake items
DH got me these after we officially accepted our set of snowflake babies