Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Feeling kinda down and lonely lately

Maybe it's this cold or whatever I have been fighting but I know part of it has to do with this dang TTC stuff.I have a friend that is pg that doesn't even seem excited.I know that this is her second baby in about 18 months but it was partially planned.Now I love this friend dearly but her reaction to DH poor SA was as follows:"I guess his genetic makeup just wasn't meant to be reproduced" ouch that hurt and she said it very matter a factly with no compassion. Like if you are infertile that somehow you deserve it.I guess that is easy to say when you have a almost 18 month old and are PG again without any help from doctors, just alcohol.She said a few other things to go with it but you get the gist.I had no idea what to say back to her as we were on the phone when this was said, so I had the privacy of being on the other end to have my horrified hurt face.But I know that It did hurt me and I am not sure how she could say that to me when I was clearly upset.So it looks like when I go down this road I again will have to keep everything between me and DH as reaching out to people can get you a slap in the face.When we started trying 13 months ago I thought just maybe we would have a baby by christmas, or at least be PG.But now I know that is impossible.Well I guess that's it for now,I do hope you all have a very Happy Thanksgiving,at least as happy as this whole TTC thing allows us all to be.God Bless you all!

Monday, November 24, 2008

I am so anyone???

Seems like this is going around but I tell you what if you don't have it run ,fast and far from anybody that does.You may want to consider gloves,mask and antibacterial wipes when dealing with others :-)Sorry not trying to scare everyone into becoming "MONK" lol but this cold thing is horrible.I slept on 4 pillows last night just trying to breath while hopped up on cold medicine and having a crazy strip device on my nose.I know me clutching my tissues,my nose spread open wide with that contraption,(which by the way didn't work)gasping for breath,choking on my own phlegm,feverish, that I must have been a sight of utter sexiness to DH.It's funny because he didn't even blink and wanted his usual kisses goodnight,a bit of flirting followed and called me his princess. Wow I think he must have been tired or perhaps just blinded by love.(I love him!!)All I know is that no matter what I do I am stuffed up and congested.I was watching TV today and I heard a long high pitch noise, it was the sound of a flash warming up on a disposable camera, or so I thought, turns out it was my nose, apparently some air was squeaking by as I was doing nothing more than sitting there. Yeah a sad day when you don't even know when a sound is coming from your own body.(see I am old)What can I say I had cold medicine in me,you know medicine head.So I am not looking forward to going to bed tonight because I wake up like I have been sitting though the longest movie of my life that is how sore my behind is when I wake up.Ahh yes and numb it's great. But not so great when you go to use the bathroom first thing and are not sure how evenly you are on the toilet seat.Sad I know.So besides me trying to not sneeze up a lung, there is nothing much new. Still debating on whether to go shopping day after turkey day.We usually go out of town to this place that has outlets.I go more for the road trip and different places to look and find things then hoping to find good deals.Not that I can't use them or don't want them but the outlets aren't that much cheaper and sometimes they are the same price as local places. But they do have an awesome chocolate store there.Yummy!And a few other places that we just don't have.Gives me and DH time to get away from the same old same old.It's about 3 hours away so it's a nice drive.Well is anyone else braving the stores on Friday?I sure hope I am better by then.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

New papers came

The application and papers came from the other agency,I am excited and yet hesitant to get excited.DH was daydreaming about me being pregnant and always adds onto prayers about our embryo adoption moving quickly.I know that it has been the hardest thing ever to just sit and wait.I mean at least when I was starting clomid and considering IUI's I felt like I was working towards something.Now I feel like I am just treading water.I know that if we do too much more now then there is no way we will be able to afford to do the embryo adoption when they do become available,so I keep telling myself to hang in there and maybe it will go quicker than I expect.Well it's late and I have to get up for church.God Bless you all.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Went looking for answers

So after my lovely experience I decided to contact the other foster care agency here,a private smaller one.I got a hold of the lady who was very very nice,I proceeded to ask her about their program and qualifications for it.I was very upfront about what was going on and asked flat out if there was a minimum years they required you to be married to foster she acted surprised and said a confident"No".I said well this is what I was told by agency "X" and they have they will not license us due to this.She seemed down right surprised.I told her all of it from the beginning and her comments were always very surprised like"really" "I'm surprised" and "that is confusing to me" were some of her comments.These 2 places work together from time to time due to linked cases so they all know of each other.Simply stated she also said that if it's their policy there would be proof(on paper) and no guessing on time frames etc from them.She was surprised that if it was a decision made from a policy that no time length was ready to be given to me on the phone when the call was placed.She did not want to say much as they are people she will have to work with at some point but she did not disagree that I was being blacklisted.And she agreed that all it would take for them to be angry is how they found out about us splitting,even though it isn't right.She however is going to send me paper work and an application in the mail to see if we can't get us licensed through them.(For the record she has never known or heard of agency "X" to have a minimum years married requirement.)This alternative agency is much stricter than agency "X" and they don't care how long married hmmm go figure. She did say that once I apply she will have to request my old file from them I said that is perfectly fine by me and once you get it maybe you could shed some light on this.Because as far as my days parenting for them I have nothing to hide, we were one of their favorites with them trying to place kids with us all the time, to the point of excess(4 kids under the age of 3 all in diapers all at once,that was a busy time).When I knew of licensed parents that had no placements but they were not calling them.And we were still getting calls.I once had an insider tell me we were at their top of their preferred call list.Problem is where I live is small so you know how that goes gossip etc that was all it took after that worker saw my ex at the networking site.Oh did I forget to mention the most enlightening part, that I know her from high school(yes the worker that contacted my ex online) ,ahh yes and she was a gossiping trouble maker then.Some people never change.Even when they are supposed to be professionals.So I am telling my ex what happened he says "oh you know what she just recently tried contacting me again a few weeks ago but I deleted it and never answered".Hmmmm What is she poking around for?? Well with any luck I will never ever have to deal with them again.Besides this new lady was wonderful and very understanding and her and I have a common friend.Don't worry it's my best friend so no drama there :-)The lady did say more but for obvious reasons I don't want to say too much on here and get anyone in trouble.But it is very safe to say she thinks it is very fishy. Well I should finally get to bed hugs to all and God Bless!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Yet another setback Geesh!!

Well got a call today, had a bad feeling as soon as I saw the number on the caller ID it was the state worker for foster care.She called and basically said they were not going to license us because we have not been married long enough.When I asked when is long enough she said she did not know.They hadn't discussed it.I think they are blowing smoke at me hoping I will go away. I know they are still holding my divorce against me even though we have one of the best and functional divorces I have ever seen.A couple weeks after I was first filing for divorce,I called to tell them about it and apparently they had already found out just a couple weeks ahead or less as my now ex husband already had himself on a networking website( i didn't not know about this for the record) which I will not mention which one but you all will be pretty able to guess ,stating that he was single and looking for friends, relationships,dating etc.Of course there was a picture of him along with a profile you know how it goes. Well a caseworker(one that we had been assigned at one point)who also surfed this website must have done a singles search as she too was not divorced but starting hers,and came across my ex.Well she did the "you look familiar do I know you thing" and of course 2 and 2 were put together.She then convinced him that they would make great friends and that he should call so he did.They talked ,she asked about "us" he gave her the basics nothing much and she pretended to be sypathetic and also as far as I am concerned crossed some lines as she discussed previous child removal case details about other families and their private info,charges, accusations,etc with him.Basically Gossiped!Well they had that one conversation that same day and she never called or contacted him again. It was obviously after hearing this all a couple weeks later that she was just using him to get the gossip she wanted and needed for work as she that is what she did,she ran back and told them what she found out so I didn't even have the chance to discuss my own personal matter first.Now it must be stated that we did not have and were not taking any foster placements at this time so I did not see the harm in waiting a couple weeks until I got myself together as divorce is devastating enough.And I was in the middle of moving out up until the point I called them. I left him the house.Needless to say calling them and airing my dirty laundry was not my first concern at that time.But I was planning on calling them and that is what I did after I was settled physically and emotionally.But like I said it was too late by then. Going back to when I first called her after they found out, they told me I need not apply for 6 months if I ever wanted to foster again I said why? And she said it was policy after a divorce.So when DH and I looked in foster care recently I asked them ahead of time if it had been long enough(it's been over 6 months) and the guy(someone i knew there) that I had to talk to this time said he had never heard of that policy and I know that the woman I talked to before has since left.Well I told him how long I have been married and how long since the divorce has been final before we even went to our orientation.They acted like it was no problem and sent us booklets etc.We got a letter in the mail inviting us to orientation and went, DH even took time off work to go.While there they gave us the forms to take home and fill out.We were just talking about filling those out tonight and then the phone call came in saying they would not license us because we were not married long enough.Which is really funny since single people can foster and when I asked how long that has to be she said she did not know.Here's the thing if it is policy then it's policy which means it is a rule written somewhere ,which means that there would be an exact time length.But I think they are still bitter about how they found out about me and my ex splitting and have black listed me. I was told that over a year ago when I first called by someone else who works with but not for them that,that is what was happening.(they work for another agency) I didn't want to believe it. I saw something like this happen to my first foster parent friend but thought it would never happen to me boy was I naive.The circumstances were a bit different but outcome the same and worse for her.It's a very you scratch my back I scratch yours setup and it sucks.So that was our crushing blow for the day.DH is sad.Who am I kidding so am I.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

How yesterday went and then there are the feelings too...

We had our appointments yesterday one with the embryo adoption counselor and one with the co-ordinator and they both went well. I finally had many of my questions answered and feel like I understand things a bit more.It all was a lot to take in at once but we did our best to retain it all.We still are 3rd in place on the list and there is no way of knowing exactly how long that will take but they usually say on average 6 months or less but it could be more just depends on the kindness of others that decide to donate their embryos and if the couples ahead us pass on the set they are presented with for any reason. I guess people pass based on quantity and sometimes they pass on bio parents hair/eye coloring(if they are trying to have a baby that looks like them) we don't care about hair or eye color at all just want a healthy baby. Another reason people pass can be bio parents health background for example if there is diabetes, high blood pressure and other non serious treatable ailments in the history I guess sometimes people pass. I know that even if I had my own biological child there is always going to be something in the health history so those treatable common ailments again are not a considerdation for us.So we will not turn down embryos based on something they "could get" someday, it does not mean they will.As I know and love people with these same issues.And a lot of things can be helped by lifestyle and diet.So I guess we just have no idea how long this will take.They are having us start getting things in order though because they have sent out some packets to potential donors who requested them and are waiting to get them back.I am going to be doing my mock transfer in about 3 weeks and also we filled out a bunch of paperwork. In the meantime I am going to work on finding the best deals on meds etc as our insurance covers nothing infertility related at all. I know that the antibiotics will probably be cheap or covered.But I tried running my previous meds through the insurance last month and they turned them down.Said no fertility drugs are covered.Wouldn't even cover some blood work my doctor ran.Not to mention it's not very good insurance in the first place with deductibles we have to meet.They don't cover appointments to even talk to my RE ,ultrasounds or anything.It's the worst insurance I have ever had.I am currently fighting with them over a shot I received in my spine about a month ago for my endometriosis pain at the pain clinic even though my insurance was listed as one that they accepted there.The explanation of benefits came saying they didn't pay anything towards the $1,330.00.For the one time visit ouch!!I am sending them additonal paperwork hoping that it will get them to pay all but my deductible amount.It's a wait and see thing ugh! So back to the previous topic,I am bad if you get me going on insurances as for as long as I have struggled with IF I have struggled with insurance and them not covering stuff.Never had one that did.So I guess when the time comes I will be needing 75 of follistim a day and then a Hcg shot.Looking forward to that one. I will probably ask my friend since childhood to administer it too me as she is an MA.Though I dread sharing what we are doing with anyone.My fellow bloggers are the only ones that know.We haven't told anyone and really just wanted to keep it a secret as I have been there before wth everyone breathing down your neck asking how things are going as well intentioned as they are,they always end up saying the wrong things and hurting my feelings or saying things that make me angry.I actually had people tell me after my miscarriages that atleast I never got to hold my babies so it shouldn't hurt too bad.My own now ex mother in law at the time said "No one in our family has ever had a miscarriage I don't know what you did wrong"Yeah that was heartbreaking to hear as I was young and uninformed at the time.I was all of 21.I later learned it was nothing I did, they diagnosed my my endo after my 2nd miscarriage when I was 22. and it turned to anger at her for being so cruel.But alas another reason my first marriage failed his mother was lets say umm"charming" .Ok so she was controlling, overbearing and cruel but I tried.Wow am I venting tonight I think begining this all again has dug up some old feelings and memories for me.Which because of which I cannot ignore that if I do indeed become pregnant that I will be terrified of a MC until I get further into the pregnancy.Though the doctors feel confident that if I am on progesterone( i was not with either of my pg's before) this time and because the endo has been cleaned off for now that I should be fine.I also console myself by telling myself that maybe I will have a better chance with an embryo that is biologically not mine as maybe there was just something wrong with my eggs and my ex's sperm mixing together before and that won't be a factor with a donated embryo.Anyway because I always seem to have to keep busy and feel like I am being productive we are still looking into foster care.DH and I are filling out the paper work tonight.We both know that adopting through foster care is a long shot and could take years.The whole goal of foster care is family reunification so it can be a rollercoaster.(if you are new to my blog just look at my first post and it will catch you up)I know that when we went to our meeting the other day I started to talk to the licenser when they interviewed us away from the group I felt some of the pain come back when I talked to her about how I felt about a couple of babies that I had come to believe were staying and ultimately were removed in the end.The one in particular that I mention in my blog that was a preemie was the toughest for me.We have kept or choice to go into foster care on the hush side too as we are still unsure of exactly what we will do and I am sure that there are others out there that can relate to wanting to be able to have some privacy without outside input.Well I think I have said more than enough for one night:-).Take care and God Bless you all!!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Appointment tomorrow with embryo adoption counselor and with co-ordinator

Well our appointment is tomorrow or I guess you could consider it today as it is almost 3am as I write this.We have our appointment with the embryo counselor and co-ordinator to get informed on the whole process and receive our mandated counseling.(we already paid our deposit to be put on the adoptable embryo waiting list a couple of weeks ago)I am nervous and excited both.This is a whole new process to me unlike anything I have tried before.The farthest I have ever gone was IUI.And now that has been several years ago.While I know that nothing physical will happen tomorrow, I know that it is the begining to this new road we have chosen. The unknown can always scare me a bit. I have heard of embryos not surviving the thawing process that is terrifying and sad both. I know that God must have a plan as I was drawn to this option out of nowhere and almost by accident.It still feels like the right thing to do but that doesn't mean that I am still not scared of it not working. I know, think positive but that can be hard to do when you have seen so many BFN's in your life I am sure others can relate.Eventually I would like to join some kind of IF support group but I don't think there are any in my local area, maybe an hour away or so but not close.Well I should head to bed as I do have that appointment even though it's not until 12:30 pm but it is an hour away.God Bless you all!

Friday, November 14, 2008

Feeling blessed and inspired by the goodness of others

I sure do appreciate the words of encouragement that I get from the wonderful women on here.DH and I are also feeling very inspired and blessed after an offer came in from a fellow blogger to donate her left over meds to me if I end up needing some of the same ones for my embryo transfer/adoption.Her and I figured out we have the same RE.I am hoping like crazy that the meds she has will be what I need as what a blessing that would be.We have dove into all of this after paying for a wedding , and we are umm still paying for our May 2008 wedding.I sure wish they would make insurance companies cover some of if not all of infertility .I know some do,ours does not.Another consideration on why to move forward even though it's expensive is I know that time is not on my side as I will turn 32 in January. The chance is higher for successful embryo transfer the younger you are and when you hit 35 it takes a steep step down. So we figure we really don't have time to waste especially since I don't want to wait for the endometriosis that I had removed to grow back because it will ,it always does.Plus we just are ready now.I hope that I get a chance to feel a baby kick or see it for the first time on ultrasound.I am sure you all can relate.I will not mention who it is but I want her to know that her kindness and generousity has touched my heart. Even if the meds she has will not be what I need I will never forget her kindness.God Bless you all.

Todays Meeting

We went to our meeting today and it went well.I still have the fears that it will have the same stress and hardship that it did on my first marriage.We have not ruled out going down this path even while doing our embryo adoption.Both options are full of stress for us, the foster care for more ovbious reasons such as will they stay or go. I know that I will get my heart broken several times before I even get a single opportunity to be considered for adoption.It is very hard to raise and love a baby for months sometimes years just to have to send it away.It is devastating on your marriage.So it scares me to and makes me wonder if we can do this.But for now nothing is ruled out and we have papers in hand and will begin filling them out.I also think about our potential baby or babies through embryo adoption and I feel so calm and and blessed to have it as an option.Now we wait.Hoping the list moves quickly.I have basically no family my dad died whe I was 15 and so have alot of my older realtives.They are all gone.I have only my mom and sister and a brother who has disowned my mother and in doing so me too.My last grandparent (grandma) died last november it's been a year on the 2nd.So I so want a large family no matter how god helps me build it.I leave it in his hands.Well I am super tired otherwise I would have told you about this very rude couple at the meeting, maybe tomorrow.God Bless each and everyone of you.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Meeting tomorrow

Well we decided to at least look in to it. I am looking into foster care again while we wait for embryos to be matched to.It has been discussed greatly between us and it is my hopes that he completely understands what it is we are entering so that he does not get his heart broken, as I have been there way too many times myself.He says it will not be easy but worth it if it helps us build a family.We have not made a for sure decison, but we need to at least start the process if we are considering it as it takes months to get your license.We can always go to the meetings etc, gather info and still decide it's not for us.I have decided that if we do take this on that I do not want to foster more than 1-2 children at once.But preferably only one.Sometimes they have a sibling that they don't want to separate them from so that is why I am considering 2.They usually need families to take large groups of children if there are any families out there that feel they could do that. Usually there are 3-4 kids in one family and it is very hard for them to get to stay together when they go to foster care due to people's ability and home space.It's can be very sad.Anyways I just love hearing from all of you, I think you all are just wonderful people and I know and feel your pain and struggle.

Monday, November 10, 2008

It came

To no surprise AF showed her ugly face, but was a week late.Oh well all I can do is wait for our appointment at the RE with our embryo adoption co-ordinator and counselor next week.Well snow finally came here to got to love Michigan LOL.Oh well kinda of a nice change but I am sure I will get sick of it before too long.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Passing time and wonderful fellow bloggers

So here I am passing time while DH works the late 2nd shift he works and I stay home with my babies (3 and 5 years old) and take care of them all day and while they sleep.I have decided that since the wedding was about 5 months and a week ago I really needed to start scrapbooking like I planned and( I have never scrapbooked before) put the wedding,reception, rehearsal, and honeymoon pictures in albums and frames.Seriously hundreds of photos still in envelopes.I know bad me.Been finally putting more pictures online too.Heck my wedding dress that I just adore is still hanging in the living room to the side as I cannot bare to put it away and still need to get it dry cleaned.I know more bad me.My honey moon formal dress is hanging there too also in need of dry cleaning. I wore it at the reception after hours of wearing my beautiful dress but I really wanted the freedom the smaller dress provided for dancing ( love to dance) and then I wore it again on our honey moon cruise for the formal nights.I am what you would say more than a little behind on these things as I think I am not really wanting it to be over.I loved that day all the glitter and glam and family, friends and fun. It was great.I am sad that it is all done no more planning and shopping for the wedding. I had so much fun.I felt like a princess and to this day my husband calls me his princess ( I love it).But maybe I can relive some of it while I display and properly save the memories. I just wish I had a scrapbook buddy.hmm.Anyways AF has not appeared not sure when I should test if I do test as I really do not lookward to staring at yet another BFN.Well I have to say I have heard from some very delightful sweet women and am so glad that I started my blog.I was a little iffy as I have never done this before.But I am enjoying it thus far.And to those of you that have reached out to me God Bless You and thank you for being so kind hearted.I no longer feel so alone.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Ok where is it?

I know there is no chance I could actually be pregnant, see that just doesn't happen to me but I do like to know when it's coming as to not get caught off guard.Ya know?I am getting sick of wearing a back up back plan just in case.LOL I wish I knew more about this darn clomid.I didn't do the ovidrel this month only clomid so I din't think I would be this far behind but who knows.It seems that all I can think about is this new path we have chosen (embryo adoption) I was laying in bed the other night and realized I had a feeling of great peace come over me.It just feels like such the right thing to do.It brings a calm feeling to my heart.I feel like we will be giving the preborn a chance to finish what they started and I also feel like it is a wonderful medical choice for us too.I no longer have the anxiety or rushed feeling that you tend to have when TTC.I felt like God wants us to do this that is why he chose to show us this path.And it honestly feels really, really right.I know it could be several months before they call us with a match or tomorrow since the list is short.But either way I am in no hurry like I was before, because I know it will happen.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Still no af,but moving on..

Well AF has yet to show up.I am about 2-3 days past my normal start time.I am sure it's that darn clomid messing me up.But in other news we have moved on to another option after getting such a bad SA on DH and already knowing I have issues we have decided to move on to embryo adoption. For those who don't know it is where you receive embryos that another infertile couple has decided to donate to other infertile couples.They usually do so after they have had all the children they want or for various other reasons.Some joyous, some sad.But the decision itself to donate their embryos must be a horribly tough one.As what are ones options with left over embryos,none of them easy.As hard as it would be to give away a potential child how could you destroy them or donate them to science? But that is a very personal decision that I hope that they all find peace in whatever they choose.For us though we will be thankful to whoever makes that painful decision to give their embryos up for adoption to us and give them one more chance at life.Not that it is free at at don't let the word donation fool you.While the embryos themselves don't cost anything, the required tests such as Hep B,C HIV and other tests are the receipent couples responsability.And both couples have to have all the tests run.Also there is the cost of the fertilty drugs to get your body ready just like in IVF.Also there is the actual procedure which is IVF.Plus not to mention the U/S's and appointments,counseling,co-ordinator appts. etc.All of this adds up when you don't have infertility coverage like us.We have decided though that if we are going to rack up the bills it might as well be ones that have a higher chance of working.It really comes down to money for us since we will be getting into debt to do all this.I really was ready to bite down and ride out the IUI train but after DH's SA that really was the clincher.Plus I am not getting any younger this time around and IVF success rates go down with age.And I started down this exact road in the past, years ago only for a couple months but it didn't work.Plus years ago my RE said IVF was my best option then even without a poor SA .So with all that in mind we officially put ourselves on the waiting list.Only two couples ahead of us right now.They speculated that the time frame would be 6 months or less.So now we wait.We also have our initial appt.(counselor,co-ordinator appt.) just for this with the same place set up for the 18th of November.They will explain everything in great detail at this appt.I will keep updating on this as I get more info.

I know it's coming

Still waiting for af to get here she's late but I know she's coming, the cramps have arrived so have the sore breasts ugh!!

My snowflake items

My snowflake items
DH got me these after we officially accepted our set of snowflake babies