Wednesday, November 19, 2008

How yesterday went and then there are the feelings too...

We had our appointments yesterday one with the embryo adoption counselor and one with the co-ordinator and they both went well. I finally had many of my questions answered and feel like I understand things a bit more.It all was a lot to take in at once but we did our best to retain it all.We still are 3rd in place on the list and there is no way of knowing exactly how long that will take but they usually say on average 6 months or less but it could be more just depends on the kindness of others that decide to donate their embryos and if the couples ahead us pass on the set they are presented with for any reason. I guess people pass based on quantity and sometimes they pass on bio parents hair/eye coloring(if they are trying to have a baby that looks like them) we don't care about hair or eye color at all just want a healthy baby. Another reason people pass can be bio parents health background for example if there is diabetes, high blood pressure and other non serious treatable ailments in the history I guess sometimes people pass. I know that even if I had my own biological child there is always going to be something in the health history so those treatable common ailments again are not a considerdation for us.So we will not turn down embryos based on something they "could get" someday, it does not mean they will.As I know and love people with these same issues.And a lot of things can be helped by lifestyle and diet.So I guess we just have no idea how long this will take.They are having us start getting things in order though because they have sent out some packets to potential donors who requested them and are waiting to get them back.I am going to be doing my mock transfer in about 3 weeks and also we filled out a bunch of paperwork. In the meantime I am going to work on finding the best deals on meds etc as our insurance covers nothing infertility related at all. I know that the antibiotics will probably be cheap or covered.But I tried running my previous meds through the insurance last month and they turned them down.Said no fertility drugs are covered.Wouldn't even cover some blood work my doctor ran.Not to mention it's not very good insurance in the first place with deductibles we have to meet.They don't cover appointments to even talk to my RE ,ultrasounds or anything.It's the worst insurance I have ever had.I am currently fighting with them over a shot I received in my spine about a month ago for my endometriosis pain at the pain clinic even though my insurance was listed as one that they accepted there.The explanation of benefits came saying they didn't pay anything towards the $1,330.00.For the one time visit ouch!!I am sending them additonal paperwork hoping that it will get them to pay all but my deductible amount.It's a wait and see thing ugh! So back to the previous topic,I am bad if you get me going on insurances as for as long as I have struggled with IF I have struggled with insurance and them not covering stuff.Never had one that did.So I guess when the time comes I will be needing 75 of follistim a day and then a Hcg shot.Looking forward to that one. I will probably ask my friend since childhood to administer it too me as she is an MA.Though I dread sharing what we are doing with anyone.My fellow bloggers are the only ones that know.We haven't told anyone and really just wanted to keep it a secret as I have been there before wth everyone breathing down your neck asking how things are going as well intentioned as they are,they always end up saying the wrong things and hurting my feelings or saying things that make me angry.I actually had people tell me after my miscarriages that atleast I never got to hold my babies so it shouldn't hurt too bad.My own now ex mother in law at the time said "No one in our family has ever had a miscarriage I don't know what you did wrong"Yeah that was heartbreaking to hear as I was young and uninformed at the time.I was all of 21.I later learned it was nothing I did, they diagnosed my my endo after my 2nd miscarriage when I was 22. and it turned to anger at her for being so cruel.But alas another reason my first marriage failed his mother was lets say umm"charming" .Ok so she was controlling, overbearing and cruel but I tried.Wow am I venting tonight I think begining this all again has dug up some old feelings and memories for me.Which because of which I cannot ignore that if I do indeed become pregnant that I will be terrified of a MC until I get further into the pregnancy.Though the doctors feel confident that if I am on progesterone( i was not with either of my pg's before) this time and because the endo has been cleaned off for now that I should be fine.I also console myself by telling myself that maybe I will have a better chance with an embryo that is biologically not mine as maybe there was just something wrong with my eggs and my ex's sperm mixing together before and that won't be a factor with a donated embryo.Anyway because I always seem to have to keep busy and feel like I am being productive we are still looking into foster care.DH and I are filling out the paper work tonight.We both know that adopting through foster care is a long shot and could take years.The whole goal of foster care is family reunification so it can be a rollercoaster.(if you are new to my blog just look at my first post and it will catch you up)I know that when we went to our meeting the other day I started to talk to the licenser when they interviewed us away from the group I felt some of the pain come back when I talked to her about how I felt about a couple of babies that I had come to believe were staying and ultimately were removed in the end.The one in particular that I mention in my blog that was a preemie was the toughest for me.We have kept or choice to go into foster care on the hush side too as we are still unsure of exactly what we will do and I am sure that there are others out there that can relate to wanting to be able to have some privacy without outside input.Well I think I have said more than enough for one night:-).Take care and God Bless you all!!

1 comment:

amanda said...

thanks for stopping at my blog. i've been 'catching up' on yours. i can not believe what your ex-mil said about mc. we had a miscarriage at the beginning of our marriage, i couldn't imagine the pain of someone saying that to me. especially because for myself that is what i struggled with the most NOT being able to hold and cuddle my little baby. i rest in the fact that, that little baby is waiting for me in heaven, and SOMEDAY i'll get to meet him or her. you read my blog, so i'm sure you know we're fertile myrtle's lol. but know that god has a plan and in his timing you'll be holding that precious little one in your arms and all of this 'stuff' will just be a memory. have a super happy thanksgiving!

My snowflake items

My snowflake items
DH got me these after we officially accepted our set of snowflake babies