FET date is set! Lupron is horrible! And how to thank you all!

I talked to the RE's today because AF made her appearance over the weekend so that let us move forward.Based on my start date of AF my ultrasound date is now set and scheduled for August 4th which gives us that much longer to raise the remaining funds. We were set to have a yard sale this past weekend but the rainy weather made it impossible. We are going to try again this weekend.I also had my estrogen level drawn this past weekend and that came back under 20 which is where they want it to be so that looks good.I have to continue my lupron for about 2 more weeks. So far it is making me miserable. I have had pounding headaches like there are 2 vise grips wrapped around my head.No pain meds will touch them they last 24 hours a day non stop.I also have been queasy and thrown up and lets not forget the hot flashes and sweating! Between that and the super humid hot weather we have been having I almost passed out while we were out a couple of days ago. My face turns bright red and my whole body radiates heat.That is what happened a couple of days ago when I felt faint along with dizziness,nausea,and my legs got really wobbly.Thank goodness I will be decreasing my dose from here on out I hope it helps to make me feel better.


Well moving on I keep trying to think of ways to thank those of you who have or will be contributing to our "chip in".I have a couple ideas in mind. I am pretty sure I am going to do both. The first one that I will be doing for sure is holding off posting about my beta results for a bit maybe 1 day maybe a week until I have a chance to email those personally who contributed first with the news.I just wanted a special way to show those who helped how much it means to us that they have blessed us by helping.My second idea is a raffle.I am going to put an entry in for each $10.00 increment they have donated.So for example a $20.00 "chip in" would get 2 entries for that person.I am not sure what we will be giving as the prize but I am throwing around ideas in my head.Maybe a giftcard to either Bath and Body Works, Panera Bread,Old Navy,American Eagle or maybe it will winners choice and they can tell me where they want it to. I am not sure of the amount yet but obviously since we are raising money for our FET we can't do a really big amount but we really want to do something :-) These two "Thank you's" apply to everyone who has already donated and also anyone else who does before the deadline which is August 3rd.I know my "chip in" says August 6th but I set it before I knew the date the balance was due for our FET which has been dictated by AF so it was a bit beyond my control ;-) So don't think it is too late.I also want to say that I have emailed everyone who has donated to our fund if you did not get a personal email or email message on FB from me then please let me know.As I will need your current email address.Paypa.l does give me a email address for the sender but I just want to make sure it is your current or main email account so I can contact you.

Now for the date everyone is waiting for....my transfer is set for Friday morning August 12th!! I continue to try to stay low stress and think positive that it will work! But because I am human I must think of the what if's.So DH and I discussed what we would do if our precious last embie didn't make the thaw and we decided that we would apply all funds that we pay into our RE for our FET to get on the embryo adoption waiting list there. While it will not be enough to get on the waiting list as the transfer itself costs less than getting on the list. (yeah I have no idea on that one)It will be a really good start and put us over half way or so.Now don't get me wrong I am so thinking positive that our little embie will make it but.. I also need to plan it's just how I am. Well girls it is late.God bless you all and I will update again soon.

Lupron and family fun, okay so the two don't really go together LOL

Riding on the tram







All of us after our picnic lunch


Day 3 of Lupron shots done.Not much new to tell here, just feverishly trying to finish raising the money for the FET. It has come to my attention that it is due by the 26th when I have my U/S. So we are trying really hard to get to where we need to be with that. For a moment we considered not moving forward this month with the meds for the transfer in August but have decided to believe that God will make a way.We are going to have a smallish yard sale this Saturday, I say small because we have already sold most of what we had on craigsli.st or in previous yard sales.Even though it is smaller I am hoping there are enough proceeds to cover our remaining needed funds.Which is about $400.00. Considering how much we originally needed to raise the amount still required has shrunk greatly. Normally this wouldn't be so hard to get this raised but about 2 weeks ago DH's work cut every ones hours by 10-12 hours indefinitely and this was done with no notice. Talk about bad timing....So that is why we are scrambling so hard with this remaining amount.So on another note we decided to have some much desired and needed family time this weekend.Even though they cut DH's hours he still has to work 6-7 days a week, mandatory. Yeah I know it sucks! So it can be really hard to have as much quality family time as we would like. So when he didn't have to work on sunday (him having a day off is VERY RARE) we made sure to start our fun on saturday evening to make the most of it :-) We decided to go camping in our backyard which was really fun and relaxing. We started the evening off by setting up our tent,building a bonfire,and then cooking our dinner (hot dogs)over the fire, we also had macaroni salad and chips.We ate at the picnic table and then went swimming ,a friend of mine also joined us after dinner to go swimming (we don't have a big or fancy pool but it works for us lol), sit around the fire and have smores. The boys had a blast and they loved "camping out". I loved sitting with everyone around the fire after dark.Nanner boy was so snugly and loved just sitting and cuddling with momma by the fire :-)After we got all the boys into the tent for bed it was great to just sit and chat with my friend and hubby, so relaxing! Which is very needed since my last cycle that failed was very stressful from the start and we are trying to not have a replay of that.The next morning we went to the Zoo as we already had tickets that we bought about 2 months ago in anticipation of going but it didn't pan out for when we thought we might go. Being in Michigan our zoo's aren't open as long as others so they were set to expire the beginning of October and we are thinking positively that I will be PG after this cycle and may not be allowed to walk as much as the zoo requires. There are pretty long trails for exhibits and activities some through the woods that are not paved (it's really cool) and others on boardwalks through a swamp/marsh land.And of course the main zoo and the African safari zoo side which in and of themselves are both a ton of walking. We fed the giraffes which are my absolute favorite. It was so cute watching nanner feed those beautiful animals. He was not scared at all and his face lit up as did my older boys.We also went in the petting zoo area and he pet the goats again I loved watching his face as he tried new things. It is so fun to live through my children, this was nanners first trip ever to a zoo, my older boys have been there before but they love it every time.We rode the very cute zoo train around the zoo which nanner was mesmorized by and later he just laid back, smiled and enjoyed our other ride on the safari tram train that takes you to the safari side of the zoo through the woods, past water and pretty scenery.It's really neat! It's three cars long, decorated with zebra stripes and they play safari animal noises/music while the announcements act as though you were departing the USA and traveling to Africa. They tell you what to expect in Africa and tell you info and facts about there and the animals.The boys again had so much fun and it was done without extra expense.Our tickets were pre paid, we took a picnic lunch and then used a gift card that I got for my birthday for dinner at subway on the way home. I loved that we were able to have a couple of fun filled days without spending any money! Yay! The boys loved it all and it made us feel so good to give them a couple of special days.I have so many more pictures from the zoo and camping out I will share some of them later when I am not so tired.Family fun wipes you out lol.But it is worth it.It was more tiring as we have had days in the 96 degree range lately including the day at the zoo so we are a bit sweaty looking in the pics lol.Well girls I need to get to bed as it is late/early already.I will update soon.God bless you all!

One step closer

Well all of my meds have now arrived including the lupro.n Yay! And now I am just waiting for the 16th to arrive as that is when I start my shots. I am also still working on raising funds for the transfer. We have had a couple of yard sales, sold stuff on craigsl.ist, put money away ourselves and have had a few wonderful people make donations. Which I can't say enough how much it has meant to us to see the kindness and generosity of others.Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! We now need less than $700.00 which I am hoping to raise the money before August. My old "chip in" ended so I had to put it back up.I had it set only to July due to the fact that we thought we were gonna try to get back on the donor embryo waiting list first and wanted to do it before the price increase.But now since we are going to do a FET with our remaining embie our fundraising time has been extended.Our ultimate goal is to get back on the donor embryo waiting list but it will be awhile before we can raise the funds for that.I am trying to get myself in a good mindset for my transfer. Trying to push my fears and concerns aside and adopt a very positive outlook.Right now I feel relaxed and positive that it will work but I also have not had to start my meds yet.So pray for me that I can stay in this relaxed positive state of mind.Well girls here we go again thank you for coming along for the ride. Love you all!

A decision made ...and it's back ordered

Well I know it has been a while since I posted and partially it is because my appointment for my follow up appointment hit me harder than I expected it took.I actually came to tears sitting in the parking lot with hubby before we went in.But all in all in went well. The doctor too his time with us and tried to figure out what might have happened.He said one reason it might not have worked is that the embryos did not keep splitting after they were thawed. But that is not a positive answer to what happened. As he explained it that is not a guarantee to it working or not working but that is does show them that everything is basically fine with the embies if they can see them them continuing to divide. He said sometimes they don't keep dividing right after they thaw them but that doesn't mean they won't do so after they are transferred.He did look back in my chart as he was talking to us and said that out of the set that made Nanner 2 were continuing to divide after they thawed them. So anyways after talking with him and some careful consideration we have decided to proceed and transfer our last little one. My transfer is set up for August.I will be starting a long lupron cycle (3 weeks of shots) on the 16th of July.I have never done this type of cycle before.I will also be on estrace and progesterone.So here comes the tricky part due to a national lupro.n shortage my lupro.n is back ordered.So even though I ordered it there is no guarantee that my lupro.n will be here in time for my cycle.I am really hoping it will as I would like a smooth cycle this time. We are currently in crunch time for raising funds and have had two yard sales and been selling things through c.raigslist.I know I already said it to you personally but "Thank you" again to those of you who contributed to our chip in, you have no idea how much that meant to us and I will never forget your kindness.We currently need to raise less than $900 to move forward with this FET.I am hoping we get there before the FET gets here.I did create a separate blog for Faceboo.k fundraising if anyone wants to share it as I do not share this blog on FB and hope that everyone understands that.I just like my privacy and place where I can be really honest with you all when I need to without worrying that family or friends will read it all.Anyways girls that is the update for now, I hope you all are well. Hugs to you all...

Follow up appointment today, where to go from here and how to get there

Today is my follow up appointment to discuss where we go from here.This should have been my first u/s appointment :-( I never went in to get my second beta drawn as it was too painful emotionally. I called the RE's and asked if I really had to since I already had a heavy period on the day I was supposed to go. They said they understood and since I already had a period that I did not have to.They also said it is a normal request after a negative first beta.I know that I have not blogged in quite a while, I just have not known what to say.I feel like I am stuck and cannot move forward with a FET with our 1 little embie as the funds are just not there since we had the non responsive cycle and then this failed transfer.Also we have no infertility coverage so it all is out of pocket consults, meds, u/s's, mock transfer, sono, FET's and blood work. All of it. If I fail at something I like to try again. Not being able to try again is unbelievably frustrating and painful.After talking with our donor coordinator on the phone DH and I have discussed what we want to do and what is the best thing to do right now.We are scared that with having one embie it's a long shot and big financial chance to take since it may not make the thaw.I would have gone through medicines and monitoring just to have nothing to transfer at the end.Also transferring just one does not have as high of a chance of a pregnancy. We have decided that the best next step is to get on the donor embryo list so that we can be matched while we are working towards our next transfer.We will still transfer our 1 little embie but maybe we will be matched by the time we can afford our next transfer so if it doesn't make the thaw we can still have a transfer. Unfortunately getting on the list is not cheap either.To make matters worse we found out that the donor embie program is facing another price increase as of July 1st. So that makes me more worried that it will be further out of reach.It is $2,025 just to get on the list to get matched etc.It covers the case fees etc but nothing towards transfer.But if we are paid by July 1st we will be grandfathered in at the lower prices.I know it's a long shot but my best friend in the whole wide world and I were talking and thought it may be a long shot but that I should put a chip in widget on my blog.I did tell her that I did have a donate button on here last year but had no donations so I really don't think it will work.So I have gone back and forth on it in my head as I feel like people think bad of you when you have one up.But let's face it ladies I am desperate and sad so really it can't make things any worse right? So I will be adding the widget and hoping to raise enough money to get on the list. We are also having a yard sale next weekend. But don't have a ton to sell. I am hoping we can at least make a couple hundred if we are lucky at it.I don't want anyone to feel pressured to help but I guess I won't know if anyone wants to unless I make it an option.Just know that you all mean a lot to me even if can't help.Your encouraging words and kind comments are always appreciated.

Stuck on sad

This has affected me more than I thought it would. I rehearsed in my head before we started all of this how I would feel if it didn't work I thought I would be "okay" but I never really anticipapted how emotionally devastated I would be.I am struggling and failing to not cry. I can't and don't have any drive to do my normal routine.The bare minimum is being done.This has brought back all of my emotional pain from my miscarriages.I hadn't realized that it was just under the surface waiting to be exposed.I didn't know it would consume me like it has.I think part of my hopelessness is that fact that we have 1 embryo left just 1.What if we go through a cycle and it does not make the thaw?? Besides that between our stim cycle that was cancelled and this one we can not afford to move forward in any way. I am paralyzed not only with grief but financially. I so want to just move forward and transfer our last embie but the finances are just not there. We have next to nothing left of the money we had in our baby fund.And our insurance won't touch any of it.We would like to get back on the donor embie list but that is so expensive.I just feel stuck like I am sinking and can doing nothing to pull my self up.Looking for a life line.....

Negative Beta.......

I am sad and angry.Sorry I just don't have any thing else to say.

Beta is today

I will go have my beta drawn in about 4 hours (8:30AM) yes I know I should be sleeping but I just can't. I can't shake this cloud I am under...

Losing hope....POAS

So I caved against my better judgement and POAS yesterday and today, both times it was a very,very BFN.I took the test 8dp3dt and 9dp3dt, I am losing hope and feeling discouraged.Beta is in 2 days on friday, not feeling very optimistic.With nanner I got a positive on 9dp3dt."sigh"

Feeling so low and sick to my stomach with stress, I wanna cry or get angry and scream.Or maybe I will just crawl under the covers and hide..

Our transfer day with pics! And today is our 3 year anniversary!

The day of our transfer was a beautiful morning.We got up at 7AM and left the house by 7:30AM.We arrived at our RE's office 10 minutes before 8:30 AM which was the time I was told to be there so we could be ready for our 9AM transfer.I was wearing my panties that I purchased months before for our transfer and we had our special post transfer snacks with us.


Our post transfer snowflake themed snacks,we had snowflake oreos with our last FET too.






My snowflake panties purchased for transfer day :-)



Beautiful day for our transfer!



Us on our way to the RE's



Me before going inside



After getting ready and remembering all of you!



Getting ready in the transfer room, I look a bit nervous :-)



Ultrasound started



Our transfer as it occurs (thems babies in there :-)



Being wheeled out afterwards




A note to our babies



Our beautiful babies!



Showing some love



Proud daddy!



Enjoying our cookies





Our note to our babies



The transfer went very smoothly.I was happy and surprised when they said both made the thaw and that we still had one frozen. The prayers worked girls! After having to stay there for an hour after transfer we were allowed to leave. I emptied my very uncomfortable bladder got dressed and we were on our way. We stopped by the same panera to grab food to go just like last time. We even ordered the same meals as last time and that part wasn't even on purpose lol.I ate in the car with my seat reclined and my feet on the dash :-) Just like last time. And then we tackled the hour drive home.I then began my bed rest which was hard to do when you feel like you should be doing things around the house. DH took 2 days off to be with me for the transfer and bed rest.Nanner was really struggling with why momma couldn't pick him up. He cried a lot. I had DH hand to me but he really wanted me up playing with him and carrying him around on my hip like I usually do. I am still on lifting restrictions (10 lbs) but that has been hard to adhere to since Nanner weighs 26 pounds. I only lift him from his crib and into it. I have him walk and hold his hand when I want to bring in his room for nap. DH does all of the lifting after he gets home from work.So there you have it finally an update. Sorry it has taken so long but I have been kinda struggling in the TWW. I didn't think it would get to me but it has.It has been hard to not think about the possibility of being PG again.At the same time I am scared to get my hopes up.I go from being sad, happy, stressed, excited and numb.I will most likely POAS but am unsure of when I will.Since I did not have to do a trigger shot there should not be a chance of a false BFP right? And now for the information that I know all of you were hoping to read and of course it is the last part of my post and that is my beta is on friday the 27th.So only about 3 days away! In other news our 3 year wedding anniversary is today the 24th! Well I guess that is it for now, take care girls. ((hugs)) Thank you for all your supportive comments on my last post.

Our update

They both survived the thaw and one remains frozen. The transfer went great and I am now on my strict bed rest.Thank you so much for all of the encouragements and prayers they mean so much.I will post a complete update including pictures soon. God bless you all!

Tommorow is the day!!!

My transfer is set for 9am tomorrow but I have to be there at 8:30am.Please pray for us that we don't lose any embies in the thaw,that we will have a smooth transfer and a positive outcome at beta time.I am not really nervous right now but maybe I will be tomorrow, until I take the valium that is lol.I have been trying to have less stress and it seems to be working.I went and saw bridesmaids last night with a friend and laughed so hard that I cried and and screamed with laughter. It has to be one of the funniest movies I have seen in a very long time. I seriously did not want it to end and was disappointed when it did. It was a great girls night out movie and highly recommend it if you are not too sensitive to language and dirty jokes and comments etc in movies.For some it may be offensive but it's not as bad as most comedies that are aimed at men.Well girls this is it, tomorrow will be here before I know it.Babies mommy and daddy are coming to get you, we love you already.

Counting down 2 days to go

Only 2 days stand between me and our FET.I am supposed to get a call tomorrow with the time.I started my progesterone today and decreased my estrace as directed.I have been busy getting things done around here since I will be on 48 hours strict bed rest after. We are going to pick up some groceries etc tonight. I am getting more excited as it gets closer but also nervous.We had a nice getaway last weekend with the boys. We stayed at a hotel that is just over an hour away that has an indoor pool and water slide. The boys loved it and we had a wonderful family trip. We also went for a long walk at the state park there.It was short and sweet but hubby had to work on Saturday so we couldn't leave until that afternoon.We plan to go again. I will be posting pics when I get a chance.The week before we also celebrated my middle sons 6 birthday by going to crazy bounce which is a place with inflatables. We all had a blast. I will post pics of that too.I have been trying to do things that I otherwise would not be able to if I had my FET on time. That has been my way of seeing the bright side of things. I was able to go down the water slide with my boys and crawl and bounce with them at the bounce place it was great. It also took my mind off our canceled FET.Hope you are all doing well!

My appointment yesterday and an update!

I had my u/s appointment yesterday and it went well.They said they like your lining to be at least a 8 at that point and my was 7.8. Which my u/s was done before my higher daily dose of estrace had a chance to kick in as I took it before I left for my appointment.They said it was fine and have no concerns that it will continue to get thicker.While she was doing my u/s she checked my ovaries and the right was quiet like they wanted but my left still had the follies from before but as a surprise to all of us it had a good sized follie in it.It was measuring 15mm and they are considered ready at 18-20mm. They were surprised that it had done that considering I had stopped the stims and was not responding to them before.At first the nurse said it may complicate my cycle and change things.But after she came back from talking to the doctor she said that he said it was no problem because the follie would be ready close to transfer so it would not affect things.So here I am with a real date for my FET,it is officially less than a week away.DH asked me if I was excited as we were walking out of the RE's office and I am but it feels a bit unreal after all the hang ups.I am now done with monitoring and will continue my estrace and will be adding in progesterone on the 13th.On the 14th I start my medrol and tetracycline while also continuing my estrace.My transfer date is set for Monday the 16th.They are calling me on the 14th with the actual time for my transfer.I also wanted to answer the question that some of you have asked about me stimming to make a follie before,I am going to link back to the explanation that I posted before so I don't have to type it all again.I thank you for your concern and questions. I love getting questions from all of you and love that you take the time to comment it means a lot to me. :-) I did ask the nurse about why they chose the stimming over the estrace cycle and she said they are one of the only offices that do that and that studies have shown them to be equally effective.She didn't get too much deeper into it than that.Here's the link to my previous post (previous stimming follie post) On a totally different subject I so need to post some pics and catch you all up on what we have been up to that is non fertility related.I will try to get to that soon.:-)

Where we go from here...and question for all of you

Sorry I have not posted sooner but I have been digesting our cancellation and some of the other things that go with it. Let me try to catch everyone up on what's going on. First and foremost I have to say with all of the stuff that has been happening in this cycle with my RE's office etc that this has been such a stressful cycle. If you have read my previous posts then you know that there has been more than a few hang ups and I thought that was all of them until I went in to see my RE on April 26th.The appointment started out bad with them not being able to draw blood from me,they had 2 people try and couldn't get any. So they had me move on to my u/s portion of my appointment just to find out that I had not been responding to the stim meds at all.Ugh! So then the nurse said that she needed to show my results to the doctor in order to get a new dose for the stims etc.She then promised to call me and said she would FOR SURE call me this afternoon.So we left and waited for the call. It started getting later but I know that they sometimes call after hours so I didn't sweat it too bad until it got to be 4:30pm and there was no call.At that point I tried calling the office and the phones were off and said they were closed.I still held out hope that they would be calling as I have gotten calls after 5pm before but no later than 5:15.So I thought just maybe they were just busy calling other patients and would be calling shortly. Well my shot was due at 6pm so as it got to be 5pm and there was no call I was anxious to say the least. We ended up calling their emergency number and had the answering service contact the doctor we let them know what was going on and when my shot was due etc and they said they would pass the message on to the doctor. So we waited and waited, 6pm came and went no call and then 6:30pm still no call. We didn't get a return call until 7pm.At which the point the doctor who obviously did not have my chart seemed semi annoyed that he was disturbed for this. He then said based on what I said he would up my dose temporarily.I was then told I should call the office between 1pm-2pm the next day to get further instructions.So I did do so the next day. I must say though there was no a real tone of apology after he found out that I had not be called back with instructions just kind of well it shouldn't happen but sometimes it does. And he went on to say they literally make 100's of phone calls a day and it is a lot for the nurses to keep up with. I felt like it was just explained away.I felt forgotten..Either way I did up my dose for the three days as instructed and I then went to my Friday appointment on the 29th of April.At that appointment they were going to see if I had made any progress on the higher dose. I had been informed by the nurse when I called them the day after they forgot me that I was looking at a possible cancellation if I did not respond as needed by that Friday. But she did say that may try a different route and I would have to wait and see the doctor on Friday.When I got there I asked them not to draw my blood until after my u/s as it would be a waste of money if the cycle could just be canceled anyways. They let me wait to have it drawn and I was glad I did as the u/s showed no change at all. After 9 days of stims Nada.(no real increase in the size of my follies and very thin lining) I find it so confusing that what worked last time had no effect on me at all. Simply crazy! So then they had us sit down with the doctor (not our doctor it was his partner) He seemed very concerned and understanding. He took the time to answer all my questions.I have seen him before actually most of this cycle and he did my mock/sono from before and my u/s that day.I have seen him more than my doc. I didn't use to care for him that much but I have to say that he has grown on me and that he seems more on top of things than my current doc.Maybe he can do the transfer if I ask the office??? Don't get me wrong my current RE is very nice but almost too nice to the point of being condescending.Sometimes he comes off kinda fake and very rushed, he used to be more genuine acting and took time with you, that is what drew me to him and his office originally. Also he is still building his practice larger and sometimes I feel like in doing so the office has lost that closeness and support it used to offer.I just think he is spread to thin and they have gotten too big.Anyway as we sat there with the other RE he explained that we would be switching meds and would still be using this cycle. They have decided to put me on an estrace only cycle.They are trying to build up my lining.The pros of doing this are we don't have to completely wait for a new cycle but I do have to be on it for 18 days which really is about as long as waiting for a my next cycle.Another pro no more shots for now.Also it is very cheap and available on most stores $4.00 RX lists.Yet another good thing about it is we know exactly when our FET will be, provided this works. It will be on the 16th of May.Which does make it a bit easier for planning purposes etc.I have to go back in on the 9th for a u/s and b/w to see if it is working so please pray for me that it is. I have to admit that I am a bit nervous and scared that this will not work as this is not the protocol that we used when we were successful.The Re did say that they use this one too and it works but the other is more natural.So I guess my question to all you that have done an FET or know someone who has were they successful doing the estrace only protocol?? I am trying to let go and think THIS WILL WORK but all the issues I had in my previous cycle make that hard.When I did talk to the nurse the day after they forgot me she did say stress could play a large factor in whether someone responds or responds well to meds.But that other factors are unknown. Well if they didn't want me to be stressed then maybe they should stop stressing me out,just a thought. ;-p There have been more issues then I have posted about but I just didn't feel like posting about them when the happened because I was really trying to let them go. In hindsight maybe I should have as it would have gotten them out and maybe made me feel better.One issue I had was realizing my favorite nurse from last time had become a product of her office. She became less caring, less personal and a bit snippy at times.We were almost like friends before (chatting on the phone for the sake of chatting after hours,she even left a note for me on transfer day since she was not working that day,I have given her cards, candy etc just because she was so supportive then) but I see two years have changed her.That made me sad :-( well girls I think that is about it for now, I will know more on Monday after my appointment.