Breast feeding has come to an end, birth story part 3 and well just keep reading

I was planning on doing this post as the third part of my birth story until I realized that it is pretty much told. So now I will move on to why it has taken me so long to post after his birth and why it was so sporadically.First I want to share with you my experience with breast feeding which to be very honest I was not one of those "blessed" mothers who every thing went picture perfect for.It is truly and honestly one of the hardest things I have ever done.There are so many variables and things that have to be just so or happen at a certain point for it all to work out. And even then there is no guarantee that you won't hit a road block and have to start all over figuring out what went wrong.For me it started at the birth center right after he was born with them taking him away for several hours before I could even try to breastfeed him and continued with nurses that were less than helpful with getting me started. They were more threatening and uncaring than helpful. They would make statements if he was 15-60 minutes past when they thought he should eat like,(nurse vicky) "did he eat yet?" (me) "no, I have tried but he refuses to wake up." (nurse vicky)spoken sternly "well I will be back in 30 minutes, by then you should have him fed" 30 minutes later...(nurse vicky..again sternly) "did he eat yet??" (me) "no I tried 3 times he still refuses, he is just so tired from the birth early this morning" (nurse vicky) "well you have to give him a bottle then or I have to stick him to check his sugar and he will cry because it will hurt!" (me..in defeat)"I guess bring me a bottle" I gave him the bottle which he completely threw up after he ate it.These exchanges we not uncommon between me and the nurses.I was reduced to tears feeling backed in to a corner on a few different occasions I knew that to ensure proper breastfeeding I should not introduce a bottle so soon but they did not care and acted like I was starving him. For the record when he did feed it was on his own schedule not theirs and he did well.It was going well until we got home and he just quite.He had developed a bad latch which I sought help from lactation counselors to correct. Their help only frightened him causing him to go on a nursing strike. The one lady was very hands on and gagged him with my breast multiple times. We may have had a bad latch before but he least he took the breast willingly. Meanwhile the pump that I had that we saved money to get as you all know things are tight did not work for me at all. It was a double electric lan.sinoh pump.That was devastating as that meant that if he wasn't taking the breast and my pump was not a good one for me that my milk supply was going to be very reduced. And it did go down. I was put on reglan to help bring production back up and borrowed a friends medela which worked way better for me (and yes I did have a new tubing, horn kit etc for it)My milk did come up as long as I was using that pump and on the reglan but the medication is not a long term drug it is only meant to get things going.So I am off it now and for weeks he has been getting mostly formula. He did nurse really good while he had RSV but as soon as he got well he quite.On top of all the issues my migraines have returned, I had them before pregnancy but was on a preventative medication that I had to stop before our transfer. They got way worse during my first and second trimesters and were gone my last trimester. About 2 weeks after I had him they returned and are continuing to get worse.I was going to just tolerate them but since my breastfeeding experience is coming to an end I have decided to go back on my medication.I saw my family doctor today and I may decide to start it as early as tomorrow. So there you have it girls there are several struggles and tears I left out but you get the gist of it. I felt like a failure for weeks and now I am numb.But I think in the end this is the right choice.

Now for the hard news I have been diagnosed with PPD.I have been hiding this from all of you and I am sorry.Recently a fellow blogger of mine that gave birth 5 weeks after me announced she had it. She is the reason why I have decided to share this with all of you, by reading her post I realized I was not alone and that it can happen to me EVEN if I have struggled with IF actually from what I have researched especially if I did. It seems that IF'ers have a higher incidence of PPD as well as women who have a bad birth experience and any other stressors like financial struggles "ding ding ding" that's all me too.My bad breast feeding experience has only compounded things.Lets not forget sleep deprivation,extreme weight gain and lack of family support.DH and I only have each other and he has recently (2 weeks ago)taken a temp job, due to his layoff, that they have him working 60 hours a week at. He has to get up at 3AM which means I am the only one taking care of the baby at night to mention getting my oldest up for school and my 4 year old too.Plus the other chores,meals,milk pumping,bathing, bills, cleaning, pets you name it goes on. Dh is literally exhausted from the hours he works and so am I. The PPD weighs on me like a ton of bricks some days. Don't get me wrong I love all of my children and I am very happy to have my little mason.They all can make me smile on days I thought I wouldn't. I have tried to hide the tears from the children and for the most part I have.I am not on medication for the PPD as it can not be used with reglan and I have been hoping it would pass.And it is slowly starting to. I am convinced that if I could just get sleep at night that I would feel even better.The PPD was at the worst 1 week through 6 weeks after his birth. I have noticed that with each passing week or so things seem to be fading. But there are still bad days complete with tears,impatience and frustration but they are not as plentiful. I have to say the one of the worst parts of it was that I would feel sad or guilty about feeling sad or guilty so it fed into itself. I was scared how it would be received by the blog community of fellow IF'ers but I know that all of you will achieve your dreams of a baby someday and I thought that if by sharing my story that even one of you is helped then it is worth it. Because the feeling alone and hiding it from all of you only magnified it for me.I will end this post by saying that if you have nothing nice to say then please have respect and keep it to yourself.There is no way a informed,intelligent,caring human being would attack a fellow human being while they are down and if what you want to do is hurt me then follow someone else's blog your are not welcome here.That said I know that my girls on here are all caring,intelligent,informed and loving so I have no worries about all of you.Just for a heads up I may be turning on comment moderation because I will not allow mean people to get up on their soapbox and hurt me I have been through enough.So now you all know my secret and why I was missing a bit more those earlier weeks.I hope you still will continue to follow and be my blogger girls. Hugs to you all...And God Bless!!

Mason is home

Some pictures of our little miracle while he was in the hospital :-(






Mason's crib while in the hospital, DH and I felt it looked more like a cage "cringe"





Mommy feeling happy because her baby has no cords or tubing connected to him and it was time to get ready to go home after one last feeding!



Mason resting comfortably tonight on valentines day


We were released from the hospital about a week ago.Mason is getting better with each passing day.He was released a bit earlier than some who have RSV due to the fact that his pediatrician prescribed him a nebulizer for home so we could do his breathing treatments ourselves and he could continue to heal at home instead of in the hospital.Sorry that it has taken so long to update but his treatments are every 4 hours and he eats every 2-4 hours (sometimes 6 hours) and his breathing treatment schedule has not been lining up with eating. Needless to say between those two things,my other 2 boys and them getting sick with the crude mason has, the housework, major lack of sleep,me getting sick too, getting my oldest up in the morning and off to school, 2 dogs and some how finding time to get my self dressed and fed along with everyone else it has been tough finding time to update until now. Thank you all so much for your kind words and prayers.All of your comments always mean so much to me.I will be adding the 3rd and final part in my birth story very soon.

Mason hospitalization update

Well the test came back positive for RSV.The doctor said he will not be going home today, probably not tomorrow and honestly he does not know when. I hate having to split our family up like this. DH and I stayed up there last night and we are going to tonight but after that I have no one to watch my other boys. It is so hard to see him struggling to breath and in pain. He had a temp over 101 degrees last night.He is on breathing treatments every four hours.And on oxygen and a pulse oxygen meter 24 hours a day.Hard to believe all of this started out looking like the sniffles, even the doctor thought that it was a simple cold but also said to watch for it to get worse as RSV was going around.It started with a couple of coughs on Monday, we saw the doctor on Tuesday as we already had a well check that day. It got worse with stuffy, runny nose on Wednesday and and larger cough and small temp.By Thursday morning I was calling the doctor, got a sick appointment scheduled for that day and then at the appointment the doctor said he wanted him admitted.So here we are. Here are a few pics and pardon me and my just woke up after only 2 hours sleep look. I still have part of my baby weight that I would love to lose but it is slowly coming off. Everyone says be patient it will happen so I am trying. Thank you everyone for your kind words and prayers.God bless you all!

prayers needed for little mason!

I am asking for all my girls to pray for our little miracle as he has been just admitted to the hospital,they think he has RSV. We just stopped home after bringing him there to get a few things and let our dogs out.We stayed through the bloodwork,BP check, x rays, RSV test etc. We will find out the results tonight when we go back.I will update as soon as possible.It broke our hearts to leave him there..