Stuck on sad

This has affected me more than I thought it would. I rehearsed in my head before we started all of this how I would feel if it didn't work I thought I would be "okay" but I never really anticipapted how emotionally devastated I would be.I am struggling and failing to not cry. I can't and don't have any drive to do my normal routine.The bare minimum is being done.This has brought back all of my emotional pain from my miscarriages.I hadn't realized that it was just under the surface waiting to be exposed.I didn't know it would consume me like it has.I think part of my hopelessness is that fact that we have 1 embryo left just 1.What if we go through a cycle and it does not make the thaw?? Besides that between our stim cycle that was cancelled and this one we can not afford to move forward in any way. I am paralyzed not only with grief but financially. I so want to just move forward and transfer our last embie but the finances are just not there. We have next to nothing left of the money we had in our baby fund.And our insurance won't touch any of it.We would like to get back on the donor embie list but that is so expensive.I just feel stuck like I am sinking and can doing nothing to pull my self up.Looking for a life line.....

Negative Beta.......

I am sad and angry.Sorry I just don't have any thing else to say.

Beta is today

I will go have my beta drawn in about 4 hours (8:30AM) yes I know I should be sleeping but I just can't. I can't shake this cloud I am under...

Losing hope....POAS

So I caved against my better judgement and POAS yesterday and today, both times it was a very,very BFN.I took the test 8dp3dt and 9dp3dt, I am losing hope and feeling discouraged.Beta is in 2 days on friday, not feeling very optimistic.With nanner I got a positive on 9dp3dt."sigh"

Feeling so low and sick to my stomach with stress, I wanna cry or get angry and scream.Or maybe I will just crawl under the covers and hide..

Our transfer day with pics! And today is our 3 year anniversary!

The day of our transfer was a beautiful morning.We got up at 7AM and left the house by 7:30AM.We arrived at our RE's office 10 minutes before 8:30 AM which was the time I was told to be there so we could be ready for our 9AM transfer.I was wearing my panties that I purchased months before for our transfer and we had our special post transfer snacks with us.


Our post transfer snowflake themed snacks,we had snowflake oreos with our last FET too.






My snowflake panties purchased for transfer day :-)



Beautiful day for our transfer!



Us on our way to the RE's



Me before going inside



After getting ready and remembering all of you!



Getting ready in the transfer room, I look a bit nervous :-)



Ultrasound started



Our transfer as it occurs (thems babies in there :-)



Being wheeled out afterwards




A note to our babies



Our beautiful babies!



Showing some love



Proud daddy!



Enjoying our cookies





Our note to our babies



The transfer went very smoothly.I was happy and surprised when they said both made the thaw and that we still had one frozen. The prayers worked girls! After having to stay there for an hour after transfer we were allowed to leave. I emptied my very uncomfortable bladder got dressed and we were on our way. We stopped by the same panera to grab food to go just like last time. We even ordered the same meals as last time and that part wasn't even on purpose lol.I ate in the car with my seat reclined and my feet on the dash :-) Just like last time. And then we tackled the hour drive home.I then began my bed rest which was hard to do when you feel like you should be doing things around the house. DH took 2 days off to be with me for the transfer and bed rest.Nanner was really struggling with why momma couldn't pick him up. He cried a lot. I had DH hand to me but he really wanted me up playing with him and carrying him around on my hip like I usually do. I am still on lifting restrictions (10 lbs) but that has been hard to adhere to since Nanner weighs 26 pounds. I only lift him from his crib and into it. I have him walk and hold his hand when I want to bring in his room for nap. DH does all of the lifting after he gets home from work.So there you have it finally an update. Sorry it has taken so long but I have been kinda struggling in the TWW. I didn't think it would get to me but it has.It has been hard to not think about the possibility of being PG again.At the same time I am scared to get my hopes up.I go from being sad, happy, stressed, excited and numb.I will most likely POAS but am unsure of when I will.Since I did not have to do a trigger shot there should not be a chance of a false BFP right? And now for the information that I know all of you were hoping to read and of course it is the last part of my post and that is my beta is on friday the 27th.So only about 3 days away! In other news our 3 year wedding anniversary is today the 24th! Well I guess that is it for now, take care girls. ((hugs)) Thank you for all your supportive comments on my last post.

Our update

They both survived the thaw and one remains frozen. The transfer went great and I am now on my strict bed rest.Thank you so much for all of the encouragements and prayers they mean so much.I will post a complete update including pictures soon. God bless you all!

Tommorow is the day!!!

My transfer is set for 9am tomorrow but I have to be there at 8:30am.Please pray for us that we don't lose any embies in the thaw,that we will have a smooth transfer and a positive outcome at beta time.I am not really nervous right now but maybe I will be tomorrow, until I take the valium that is lol.I have been trying to have less stress and it seems to be working.I went and saw bridesmaids last night with a friend and laughed so hard that I cried and and screamed with laughter. It has to be one of the funniest movies I have seen in a very long time. I seriously did not want it to end and was disappointed when it did. It was a great girls night out movie and highly recommend it if you are not too sensitive to language and dirty jokes and comments etc in movies.For some it may be offensive but it's not as bad as most comedies that are aimed at men.Well girls this is it, tomorrow will be here before I know it.Babies mommy and daddy are coming to get you, we love you already.

Counting down 2 days to go

Only 2 days stand between me and our FET.I am supposed to get a call tomorrow with the time.I started my progesterone today and decreased my estrace as directed.I have been busy getting things done around here since I will be on 48 hours strict bed rest after. We are going to pick up some groceries etc tonight. I am getting more excited as it gets closer but also nervous.We had a nice getaway last weekend with the boys. We stayed at a hotel that is just over an hour away that has an indoor pool and water slide. The boys loved it and we had a wonderful family trip. We also went for a long walk at the state park there.It was short and sweet but hubby had to work on Saturday so we couldn't leave until that afternoon.We plan to go again. I will be posting pics when I get a chance.The week before we also celebrated my middle sons 6 birthday by going to crazy bounce which is a place with inflatables. We all had a blast. I will post pics of that too.I have been trying to do things that I otherwise would not be able to if I had my FET on time. That has been my way of seeing the bright side of things. I was able to go down the water slide with my boys and crawl and bounce with them at the bounce place it was great. It also took my mind off our canceled FET.Hope you are all doing well!

My appointment yesterday and an update!

I had my u/s appointment yesterday and it went well.They said they like your lining to be at least a 8 at that point and my was 7.8. Which my u/s was done before my higher daily dose of estrace had a chance to kick in as I took it before I left for my appointment.They said it was fine and have no concerns that it will continue to get thicker.While she was doing my u/s she checked my ovaries and the right was quiet like they wanted but my left still had the follies from before but as a surprise to all of us it had a good sized follie in it.It was measuring 15mm and they are considered ready at 18-20mm. They were surprised that it had done that considering I had stopped the stims and was not responding to them before.At first the nurse said it may complicate my cycle and change things.But after she came back from talking to the doctor she said that he said it was no problem because the follie would be ready close to transfer so it would not affect things.So here I am with a real date for my FET,it is officially less than a week away.DH asked me if I was excited as we were walking out of the RE's office and I am but it feels a bit unreal after all the hang ups.I am now done with monitoring and will continue my estrace and will be adding in progesterone on the 13th.On the 14th I start my medrol and tetracycline while also continuing my estrace.My transfer date is set for Monday the 16th.They are calling me on the 14th with the actual time for my transfer.I also wanted to answer the question that some of you have asked about me stimming to make a follie before,I am going to link back to the explanation that I posted before so I don't have to type it all again.I thank you for your concern and questions. I love getting questions from all of you and love that you take the time to comment it means a lot to me. :-) I did ask the nurse about why they chose the stimming over the estrace cycle and she said they are one of the only offices that do that and that studies have shown them to be equally effective.She didn't get too much deeper into it than that.Here's the link to my previous post (previous stimming follie post) On a totally different subject I so need to post some pics and catch you all up on what we have been up to that is non fertility related.I will try to get to that soon.:-)

Where we go from here...and question for all of you

Sorry I have not posted sooner but I have been digesting our cancellation and some of the other things that go with it. Let me try to catch everyone up on what's going on. First and foremost I have to say with all of the stuff that has been happening in this cycle with my RE's office etc that this has been such a stressful cycle. If you have read my previous posts then you know that there has been more than a few hang ups and I thought that was all of them until I went in to see my RE on April 26th.The appointment started out bad with them not being able to draw blood from me,they had 2 people try and couldn't get any. So they had me move on to my u/s portion of my appointment just to find out that I had not been responding to the stim meds at all.Ugh! So then the nurse said that she needed to show my results to the doctor in order to get a new dose for the stims etc.She then promised to call me and said she would FOR SURE call me this afternoon.So we left and waited for the call. It started getting later but I know that they sometimes call after hours so I didn't sweat it too bad until it got to be 4:30pm and there was no call.At that point I tried calling the office and the phones were off and said they were closed.I still held out hope that they would be calling as I have gotten calls after 5pm before but no later than 5:15.So I thought just maybe they were just busy calling other patients and would be calling shortly. Well my shot was due at 6pm so as it got to be 5pm and there was no call I was anxious to say the least. We ended up calling their emergency number and had the answering service contact the doctor we let them know what was going on and when my shot was due etc and they said they would pass the message on to the doctor. So we waited and waited, 6pm came and went no call and then 6:30pm still no call. We didn't get a return call until 7pm.At which the point the doctor who obviously did not have my chart seemed semi annoyed that he was disturbed for this. He then said based on what I said he would up my dose temporarily.I was then told I should call the office between 1pm-2pm the next day to get further instructions.So I did do so the next day. I must say though there was no a real tone of apology after he found out that I had not be called back with instructions just kind of well it shouldn't happen but sometimes it does. And he went on to say they literally make 100's of phone calls a day and it is a lot for the nurses to keep up with. I felt like it was just explained away.I felt forgotten..Either way I did up my dose for the three days as instructed and I then went to my Friday appointment on the 29th of April.At that appointment they were going to see if I had made any progress on the higher dose. I had been informed by the nurse when I called them the day after they forgot me that I was looking at a possible cancellation if I did not respond as needed by that Friday. But she did say that may try a different route and I would have to wait and see the doctor on Friday.When I got there I asked them not to draw my blood until after my u/s as it would be a waste of money if the cycle could just be canceled anyways. They let me wait to have it drawn and I was glad I did as the u/s showed no change at all. After 9 days of stims Nada.(no real increase in the size of my follies and very thin lining) I find it so confusing that what worked last time had no effect on me at all. Simply crazy! So then they had us sit down with the doctor (not our doctor it was his partner) He seemed very concerned and understanding. He took the time to answer all my questions.I have seen him before actually most of this cycle and he did my mock/sono from before and my u/s that day.I have seen him more than my doc. I didn't use to care for him that much but I have to say that he has grown on me and that he seems more on top of things than my current doc.Maybe he can do the transfer if I ask the office??? Don't get me wrong my current RE is very nice but almost too nice to the point of being condescending.Sometimes he comes off kinda fake and very rushed, he used to be more genuine acting and took time with you, that is what drew me to him and his office originally. Also he is still building his practice larger and sometimes I feel like in doing so the office has lost that closeness and support it used to offer.I just think he is spread to thin and they have gotten too big.Anyway as we sat there with the other RE he explained that we would be switching meds and would still be using this cycle. They have decided to put me on an estrace only cycle.They are trying to build up my lining.The pros of doing this are we don't have to completely wait for a new cycle but I do have to be on it for 18 days which really is about as long as waiting for a my next cycle.Another pro no more shots for now.Also it is very cheap and available on most stores $4.00 RX lists.Yet another good thing about it is we know exactly when our FET will be, provided this works. It will be on the 16th of May.Which does make it a bit easier for planning purposes etc.I have to go back in on the 9th for a u/s and b/w to see if it is working so please pray for me that it is. I have to admit that I am a bit nervous and scared that this will not work as this is not the protocol that we used when we were successful.The Re did say that they use this one too and it works but the other is more natural.So I guess my question to all you that have done an FET or know someone who has were they successful doing the estrace only protocol?? I am trying to let go and think THIS WILL WORK but all the issues I had in my previous cycle make that hard.When I did talk to the nurse the day after they forgot me she did say stress could play a large factor in whether someone responds or responds well to meds.But that other factors are unknown. Well if they didn't want me to be stressed then maybe they should stop stressing me out,just a thought. ;-p There have been more issues then I have posted about but I just didn't feel like posting about them when the happened because I was really trying to let them go. In hindsight maybe I should have as it would have gotten them out and maybe made me feel better.One issue I had was realizing my favorite nurse from last time had become a product of her office. She became less caring, less personal and a bit snippy at times.We were almost like friends before (chatting on the phone for the sake of chatting after hours,she even left a note for me on transfer day since she was not working that day,I have given her cards, candy etc just because she was so supportive then) but I see two years have changed her.That made me sad :-( well girls I think that is about it for now, I will know more on Monday after my appointment.