Thursday, June 10, 2010

Loneliness makes you talk to strangers (WARNING I am sad and angry and may offend sorry in advance)

I would not call me a particularly shy person but I am not a overly outgoing person. I guess it just depends on the situation.But my recent loneliness has driven me to new levels that I think even I am surprised at.Let me start my saying that DH and I have really no one else besides each other and the boys. No close family ( do I really need to explain his family again) and mine is very very small meaning deceased and spread out.All I really have left is a mother, sister and brother( my brother is not speaking to my mother and the rest of us by default).My father died when I was 15. My sister lives about 3 hours away and my brother again not speaking to anyone lives over an hour away.So here we are basically alone.I do have friends but they are all caught up in their own lives and families.And what DH and I have noticed is that for some reason me now having Nanner seems to have pushed a few more away. Not that I would trade him for them anyways but it is odd to me how people can decide to pull away just because you add a member to your family.See the strange thing here is that it's not like we were child free before Nanner so honestly what's one more? Really? I have to say when I noticed the largest pull away is right after I had him and I dare utter a few dreaded words and they were the following "I think I have the baby blues." Yes I was down.Yes I was reaching out.And they scattered like I was catchy.Actually if I had something like a stubbed toe I would have had a better shot at some compassion.Which I do find ironic since I have been there for ALL of them for all of their problems.I have gotten calls and all times of the day and night for everything from broken hearts (this one has happened the most), depression, job loss, marriage issues, infidelity,deaths/loss, health scares, good ole fashioned DRAMA,financial woes,family troubles and the list goes on. I have listened,cared, prayed and extended myself for them each and every time. Am I angry? Has it caught up to me? Yes! And Yes! I have now decided that the doctor is no longer in. No more advice no more free sessions. I am tired of being used tired of always giving and giving in very one sided relationships that I seem to be in.It has gotten to the point that no one calls UNLESS they want something.Not to spend time with me.Not to see me or my family.Not to chat to catch up and share small talk.Here is an example of a few calls from different friends lately if it weren't for these there would be none. Call #1 Did your mom open her pool yet? Call #2 We want to sell our extra TV you want to buy it? Call #3 My husband is still not being a good husband or father, I don't know what to do? (for the record this has been ongoing for 3 years he will never change and she will never listen,I give up)Do I seem bitter I guess I do.I am so tired of fake friends.People who say they are there for you and they are really not.The truth is they are there for themselves.They are there for what THEY can get out of the relationship and I have had enough. So when I am called for a issue someone is having I will have to politely excuse myself from the phone as I am no longer taken hours upon hours from my DH and boys to be there for people who are not there for me. Friendships are two sided and you have to give in order to get. I have taken way too much time from my immediate family to help others and I am done. My heart still stings and hurts from being left for months to cry alone daily while I was suffering from PPD.Did anyone come see me,chat with me on the phone or say lets grab a bite to eat, go for a walk, see a movie, go to the mall, offer to help with the baby or anything that would have been better than me just sitting here ruminating on my sadness. That's a big fat NADA!! Did I do those things for them when they had tough times? I think you know the answer.So because of my desire to have friends but lets say real ones I have decided to start shopping for new ones. (and no I am not divorcing my old ones) This is no small feat when you are 33 years old.Everyone has their best friends and their groups of friend they hang out in and it is so very hard to make new ones. I have no idea where to begin.Most would say our church but our church has next to no families with young children actually it has next to no people in general.It has been struggling to grow for quite a while now.So I will confess we have not been going as it no longer calls to us.We are overwhelmed at the prospect of looking for a new church but know that it has to be done.So yes I know that I need to start there for my quest for new friends I have no preference of if they are mommies or not.But I think childless people would not be drawn to us realistically.DH and I really would like a family similar in moral and values to share outings, picnic, zoo trips, double dates etc with.But feel like it is just a dream.Anyways so here comes the place where the title of my post makes sense. DH, Nanner and I were at Panera Bread yesterday and two ladies were in line together one clearly pregnant and also had a toddler boy who was about 18 months if I had to guess and the other one had a infant boy who was 9 months (this I know because she told me) The one with the 9 month old starting talking to me about Nanner asking how old,his name (which she loved!)she talked about how cute he was and asked what he was doing at this stage etc and making friendly small talk.It was nice.I mean really nice to talk to another woman and she didn't want anything from me just wanted to be friendly and talk about our babies and when she might consider having her next one etc.I was envious of their relationship I wished I had a girlfriend to go to lunch or dinner with and share chit chat with and laugh with.So after I had gotten up for something I stopped by their table I stopped and said "This is gonna sound weird but do guys have any ideas for meeting other mommies?" She was like"Oh hunny it's not weird at all and I really wish I could help but we're from Phoenix" She then went on to suggest church etc.She said she has heard that to be a common complaint and she always feels so bad for fellow mommies.She was very sweet.But yes it would be my luck that they would be from out of state.After Panera we headed to Kohls and while there I saw two women I went to high school from a distance ( no one I was close to in school) they were shopping away having their girl time.I stopped in my tracks for a moment and DH was like what's wrong and I told him who they were and they were close through all these years and I wish I had a girlfriend like that.(don't get me wrong I love my husband but I really need me some girl time living with all these boys)And yes I got teary.He did his best to comfort me and wiped them away and I tried to push it out of my mind.And before anyone mentions what about my mom I must say that she is not into hanging out in a girl way at all. She is older (67), set in her ways and not much into the whole grandma scene.She does love her grandchildren but she does not babysit,play with,help out with,visit with them.It may surprise a few of you to find out that she did not come to the hospital while I was in labor.Or come see me and help out with the baby while I was recovering at home after I gave birth or while I was struggling with PPD.She did pop into the hospital for about 15-20 minutes the day after we had him but that was it.My sister never showed up at all.Did I go see her after she gave birth, again you know the answer.My mom does her senior travelers trips, goes out to eat often along with a few other things that she does with only certain people.So now that I have that all explained maybe you all can see where I am coming from.It's a little place I like to call lonely avenue. I have to say ahead time that I have shared a lot in this post and please be polite that if you do not agree or feel like you can say anything nice please do not comment as I am depressed enough already.I have been feeling this way for awhile but have not been sharing with any of you but finally I felt like it might help me to do so.There have been some good things happening around here too but I will catch up on those next post I had to get this out first.


twondra said...

Oh hon. I'm sooooo sorry about all you've been through. I'll be calling you. (((HUGS))))

Jen: Proud Mom of 7 Adopted Miracle Blessings said...

So sorry you are in so much pain- I certainly understand- I also was given the opportunity to discover who my "real" friends were this Spring- I call it pruning- you know like pinching the dead heads off flowers so new ones will bloom. I pray God will send some friendly new ones in the old ones place!!!


Christina said...

I've always found it difficult to meet people too. I wish I had something helpful to say, but I'm pretty much in the same boat. I've managed to convince myself that I don't have time for friends. My time is quite limited, but it would be nice to get out every now and then. I work (a lot) with a bunch of guys and then I go home to my house in the boonies. We did get a season pass to the local waterpark, so maybe I'll meet someone there.

email me your phone number if you want to chat sometime--just a mom-to-mom sort of talk. cjleonhardt at spe dot midco dot net.

Lisa said...

I can relate to your situation. We moved to our current city almost two years ago and I have not really met that many people. I work at home. I have two kids that keep me busy, etc. It will get a little easier as he gets older. You can do more activities with him that will put you with other mom's (story time at the library, preschool, etc). I finally have met a few mom's from my older girl's preschool class that we have met up with and enjoyed a play date. We also have recently joined a Sunday school class at our church. It is hard for me to put myself out there, but I think it will be worth it. It will take time and being involved in activities, but the potential for friendships there is great. So hang in there and keep trying! Or you could just move the fam to Charlotte and come hang out with us. :-)

Hoping for our own Peanut said...

Im so sorry youre down. :( I wish we lived closer, then we could do playdates! Check online..there are lots of Mommy groups you can find!

Meant to be a mom said...

I'm so sorry to hear that your so lonely. That breaks my heart.
Do you guys go to church? I do think that church is a nice place to meet new friends. Also try some mommy and me groups or classes. I have a few friends who love going to those and they meet girls all the time.
And play dates. Sometimes you can get into a play date group and those are really fun and a great way to meet other moms.

I hope and pray that things get better for you.

Kami said...

I am so sorry honey. I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes I feel like I am in the same boat. We will be in Ludington the week of July 19th. Wanna meet for a day at the beach? We have an AWESOME cabin on Lake Michigan. I'm sure Sam and Mia want to see their boyfriend. :)


Jen said...

So sorry you're having a rough go of things and that your friends aren't being the kind of friends they should be :(

Meredith Jeannette said...

I am so sorry you have been struggling with this. I wish we lived closer sounds like we have a lot in common. I noticed the distance with my friends after I became a mommy. I always wondered if it had to do with the schedule we operate on now plus work and my husband. However I've noticed more of my own family coming around...but as for friends I am going through something some what similar. *hugs*

Holly said...

DArlin', I hate this for you AND I was so lonely, too after Adam came along-no PPD, but SO lonely...Right before Adam's first birthday I joined a Mom's Club here in Atlanta and it is so nice to have a group of Stay at home supportive Mommies to have playgroups with, go to the park with, share our triumphs and questions with...I actually met my "soulmate mommy friend" there, who has a son almost the same age, etc...

Here's a link to the site of the Muskegon chapter:

SOrry I don't still live in MI, I'd be right over!(I grew up in Kazoo)

Peppermint Patty said...

I had a friend once that would call me and then sit there and SAY NOTHING! I had to hold the entire conversation by myself. It was exhausting.

When I wanted to "cut back" and not invest into the friendship anymore, our other friend said, "But you've been friends for sooo long."

So what? What's a crappy longevity friendship? haha

Hang in there! Put that at the top of your prayer list for God to send local friends for you and your family.


I know because when we moved to another town 5 yrs ago, I prayed for God to send some good friends for my son.

Lo and behold, a few months later, my sister and her family moved into the same town. Now he had his cousins close by.

AND...he has made some wonderful friends, so God DOES care and will help you.

I wish I lived closer too! :( Even though I have a teenager, I wouldn't mind hanging out with you alone or with the kids.

P.S. My mom is the same way as you described your mom. Which is fine. I'd rather her be in the capacity that she is than to be acting fake.

My snowflake items

My snowflake items
DH got me these after we officially accepted our set of snowflake babies