Friday, October 31, 2008

Let's start from the goes

Not sure where to begin here,but here goes I am 31 and my husband just turned 23.He is my second husband.My first husband and I also went down this ttc road with no luck.In the end it ulimately made us grow apart.I am not saying that was the only reason of course there were a couple of others but mainly the stress of not getting pregnant, financial burden of treaments, a couple of miscarriages and the fact that in no way is doctor assissted ttc romantic.Neither is the unassissted really, timed intercourse, shots, pills, temping, charting, doc appts,ultra sounds, side effects from meds(hot flashes, mood swings, ovary pain, ovary cysts, etc)oh yeah its romantic alright.So after awhile you wonder what it was like to be a couple before all the extra people in your bedroom life.We actually did foster care too,that was stressful also as they would tell us that we were most likely gonna be able to adopt a infant or toddler that we were taking care of just to have it taken away after our hopes were up.I had 17 placements inside of 3 years.If that tells you the craziness at our house, never more than 4 at once but usually only 2.We had our hopes up and down so many times that when it actually happened, a 2 year old we had been caring for since he was a newborn finally got to stay after them going back and forth on whether his parent was fit to get him back,that it was very hard for me to feel it was real.Even after they terminated their parental rights I remained scared that something would change.It has been a few years as he is five and my second son that I adopted is three now.Unless you are blessed with great fertility than there is no easy road to becoming a parent.I am so thankful for my 2 boys but by the time my ex husband and I actually achieved our goal of a family we were not as close as we used to be.We both had our heart broken over and over when we literally would bring babies home from the hospital and they would say it looks good for adoption, and then bam out of nowhere things had changed and somehow you the foster parent weren't on the of the list to inform.There was one baby in particular that they said was pretty much a for sure thing (he was in our lives for about 3 months) and then boom he was gone.They told us one day he was leaving and the distant relative came and got him 2 days later.We had set up a special nursey for him and everything as he was a preemie.Only 4.8 pounds when we brought him home.He was only 3.6 when he was born and we would go to the hospital everyday to do tube feedings.Don't get me wrong I get the system yes children should be with BIO family when possible but these people couldn't be bothered before to go to the hospital and to the tube feedings or drive to see him when he was in a hospital that was over an hour away. That was us.In the end no thank you passed their lips, they actually were rude to me because I was teary that he was leaving (nice huh!)So I guess enough about all that if anyone has questions about foster parenting feel free to ask me. I am not against it at all. I loved being a foster parent and was hurt by it all at once.I would consider doing it again someday but for now we have this baby mission we have embarked on.My new DH and I were married this May 08.We actually started trying before that though. We have been trying for a 13 months.I have endometriosis,which I have had 4 Laps and hystroscopys for.I had two mc's one in 1998 and 1999 both with my ex.They found my endo after that in 1999.They put me on lupron for 6 months it was supposed to help my endo and to get pregnant eventually when I was off it.But the 6 months came and went and when it came time to try again we tried and tried and tried but nothing.So then we moved on to clomid which I only did it for 2 months until it gave me a huge cyst that ruptured on my ovary and sent me to the ER in great pain.I was on clomid without u/s's at that time.Then we went on to injectible drugs one month without IUI and one with, this I had u/s's with those.We only made it 2 months before we had to quite due to money issues.We were officially putting out way more money than we were making.We had no insurance coverage for infertility not even the appts were covered or the u/s's.That was very stressful.The meds were so $$$$ and and had to fed ex'd to our door.And then it seemed like I kept needing higher does during the cycle so then we have to order more.Ouch!! In the end we gave up and turned to foster care.For the record my ex and I have become so much closer now that there is less stress.We are wonderful co-parents together and honestly good friends.He gets along well with my new husband so at least we are not the average divorced people which is great for everyone.Especially the kids.So on to me and new hubby (I appoligize for the length as I feel there is so much to catch people up and then move forward from here)we have recently moved on to clomid 50 mg/ovidrel and u/s's but decided to save the ovidrel shot for next cycle since we didn't get back his SA until I was there for my u/s to look for follies and it was bad, very bad.Plus I only had one follie that was 14mm.But they said it would continue to grow for a bit.Since we have no fertility coverage we had to make a decision.They have recommended IUI and were going higher with the clomid 100mg next cycle, since DH has poor morphology and poor motility and I only made 1 follie.Count was good but quailty was bad.They said it was improbable that we would conceieve on our own.But not impossible.DH was crushed.Honestly I was too.Just last fall when I had my last lap they checked my tubes too and they were clear. I had high hopes.But this complicates things.So we still BD'd and hoped it worked.But mean time I am in the waiting period to see if just maybe it worked.But I am realistic and more focused on next cycle,getting ready for the IUI.I have no idea when AF will show, since I have heard that clomid came mess up your cycle.DH wants more children so bad and so do I.I am just not too excited to be going down this road again.Hopefully I am older and wiser since it has been almost 11 years since it all began (ttc) with plenty of time off I mind you.But not complete preventing going on.So here I go again,down the road again.Hopefully this time around I will make some new TTC friends that will bring me comfort, information and support as well as I hope to do the same for them.


Tiffany said...

Wow, what an incredible journey. I have a foster parent meeting next week, however DH is NOT on board, so I am not sure I will go. I just want a baby in our life and the way our fertility is going who knows when that will happen. I know it would be hard, but I think about it often. Not sure how to get him on board to even think about it.

Kriss said...

I just wanted to stop and comment say I am a new reader. I too am a foster/adoptive mother of three. Best wishes! -kriss

Never Clever said...

What an incredible story you have. Thank you for sharing it all. I wish you and your new husband the best of luck. I will keep my fingers, toes, and eyes crossed for you both!


My snowflake items

My snowflake items
DH got me these after we officially accepted our set of snowflake babies