Loneliness makes you talk to strangers (WARNING I am sad and angry and may offend sorry in advance)

I would not call me a particularly shy person but I am not a overly outgoing person. I guess it just depends on the situation.But my recent loneliness has driven me to new levels that I think even I am surprised at.Let me start my saying that DH and I have really no one else besides each other and the boys. No close family ( do I really need to explain his family again) and mine is very very small meaning deceased and spread out.All I really have left is a mother, sister and brother( my brother is not speaking to my mother and the rest of us by default).My father died when I was 15. My sister lives about 3 hours away and my brother again not speaking to anyone lives over an hour away.So here we are basically alone.I do have friends but they are all caught up in their own lives and families.And what DH and I have noticed is that for some reason me now having Nanner seems to have pushed a few more away. Not that I would trade him for them anyways but it is odd to me how people can decide to pull away just because you add a member to your family.See the strange thing here is that it's not like we were child free before Nanner so honestly what's one more? Really? I have to say when I noticed the largest pull away is right after I had him and I dare utter a few dreaded words and they were the following "I think I have the baby blues." Yes I was down.Yes I was reaching out.And they scattered like I was catchy.Actually if I had something like a stubbed toe I would have had a better shot at some compassion.Which I do find ironic since I have been there for ALL of them for all of their problems.I have gotten calls and all times of the day and night for everything from broken hearts (this one has happened the most), depression, job loss, marriage issues, infidelity,deaths/loss, health scares, good ole fashioned DRAMA,financial woes,family troubles and the list goes on. I have listened,cared, prayed and extended myself for them each and every time. Am I angry? Has it caught up to me? Yes! And Yes! I have now decided that the doctor is no longer in. No more advice no more free sessions. I am tired of being used tired of always giving and giving in very one sided relationships that I seem to be in.It has gotten to the point that no one calls UNLESS they want something.Not to spend time with me.Not to see me or my family.Not to chat to catch up and share small talk.Here is an example of a few calls from different friends lately if it weren't for these there would be none. Call #1 Did your mom open her pool yet? Call #2 We want to sell our extra TV you want to buy it? Call #3 My husband is still not being a good husband or father, I don't know what to do? (for the record this has been ongoing for 3 years he will never change and she will never listen,I give up)Do I seem bitter I guess I do.I am so tired of fake friends.People who say they are there for you and they are really not.The truth is they are there for themselves.They are there for what THEY can get out of the relationship and I have had enough. So when I am called for a issue someone is having I will have to politely excuse myself from the phone as I am no longer taken hours upon hours from my DH and boys to be there for people who are not there for me. Friendships are two sided and you have to give in order to get. I have taken way too much time from my immediate family to help others and I am done. My heart still stings and hurts from being left for months to cry alone daily while I was suffering from PPD.Did anyone come see me,chat with me on the phone or say lets grab a bite to eat, go for a walk, see a movie, go to the mall, offer to help with the baby or anything that would have been better than me just sitting here ruminating on my sadness. That's a big fat NADA!! Did I do those things for them when they had tough times? I think you know the answer.So because of my desire to have friends but lets say real ones I have decided to start shopping for new ones. (and no I am not divorcing my old ones) This is no small feat when you are 33 years old.Everyone has their best friends and their groups of friend they hang out in and it is so very hard to make new ones. I have no idea where to begin.Most would say our church but our church has next to no families with young children actually it has next to no people in general.It has been struggling to grow for quite a while now.So I will confess we have not been going as it no longer calls to us.We are overwhelmed at the prospect of looking for a new church but know that it has to be done.So yes I know that I need to start there for my quest for new friends I have no preference of if they are mommies or not.But I think childless people would not be drawn to us realistically.DH and I really would like a family similar in moral and values to share outings, picnic, zoo trips, double dates etc with.But feel like it is just a dream.Anyways so here comes the place where the title of my post makes sense. DH, Nanner and I were at Panera Bread yesterday and two ladies were in line together one clearly pregnant and also had a toddler boy who was about 18 months if I had to guess and the other one had a infant boy who was 9 months (this I know because she told me) The one with the 9 month old starting talking to me about Nanner asking how old,his name (which she loved!)she talked about how cute he was and asked what he was doing at this stage etc and making friendly small talk.It was nice.I mean really nice to talk to another woman and she didn't want anything from me just wanted to be friendly and talk about our babies and when she might consider having her next one etc.I was envious of their relationship I wished I had a girlfriend to go to lunch or dinner with and share chit chat with and laugh with.So after I had gotten up for something I stopped by their table I stopped and said "This is gonna sound weird but do guys have any ideas for meeting other mommies?" She was like"Oh hunny it's not weird at all and I really wish I could help but we're from Phoenix" She then went on to suggest church etc.She said she has heard that to be a common complaint and she always feels so bad for fellow mommies.She was very sweet.But yes it would be my luck that they would be from out of state.After Panera we headed to Kohls and while there I saw two women I went to high school from a distance ( no one I was close to in school) they were shopping away having their girl time.I stopped in my tracks for a moment and DH was like what's wrong and I told him who they were and they were close through all these years and I wish I had a girlfriend like that.(don't get me wrong I love my husband but I really need me some girl time living with all these boys)And yes I got teary.He did his best to comfort me and wiped them away and I tried to push it out of my mind.And before anyone mentions what about my mom I must say that she is not into hanging out in a girl way at all. She is older (67), set in her ways and not much into the whole grandma scene.She does love her grandchildren but she does not babysit,play with,help out with,visit with them.It may surprise a few of you to find out that she did not come to the hospital while I was in labor.Or come see me and help out with the baby while I was recovering at home after I gave birth or while I was struggling with PPD.She did pop into the hospital for about 15-20 minutes the day after we had him but that was it.My sister never showed up at all.Did I go see her after she gave birth, again you know the answer.My mom does her senior travelers trips, goes out to eat often along with a few other things that she does with only certain people.So now that I have that all explained maybe you all can see where I am coming from.It's a little place I like to call lonely avenue. I have to say ahead time that I have shared a lot in this post and please be polite that if you do not agree or feel like you can say anything nice please do not comment as I am depressed enough already.I have been feeling this way for awhile but have not been sharing with any of you but finally I felt like it might help me to do so.There have been some good things happening around here too but I will catch up on those next post I had to get this out first.

The boy in him is coming out already :-)

Here is nanner blowing zerberts on my arm while I was at my laptop the other day.He totally caught me off guard since it was the very first time he has ever done it.At only 5 months he has already joined the ranks with the other boys in the household and is loving making the sounds boys love to make.I am the only girl in the whole house :-)Sorry for the shaky video but I was trying catch him in the act without him knowing since every time he would see the camera he would stop.Yes that is me in the background laughing my hinny off at him but I couldn't help it, it was just too cute. I know in a couple of years it won't be but for now it was adorable!

Happy 2 year wedding anniversary to the man I love

Today is our 2 year wedding anniversary.Although we already celebrated it this weekend since it fell on a work day for DH.We decided that we would go to dinner at one of our favorite places Romanos Macaroni Grill which is an hour from where we live.They have awesome Italian food.It was my older two boys weekend with their daddy and we just ended up taking Nanner with us, since we didn't have a sitter.Which was just fine by us and felt right since last year at this time we were on bed rest after our bleeding scare and threatened miscarriage thinking we were gonna lose him. So having him there with us made it more of a celebration.We had a wonderful time.We went during the off time so it wouldn't be busy which was great! The two guy waiters were all talking to Nanner and asking about him, it was cute!.We even got our waiter to take our picture! Nanner really seemed to enjoy the sights and sounds! After we had dinner we stayed in Grand Rapids for a while to look for a couple of christian music cd's that DH wanted to get me, that I had been wanting for a while.After some light shopping and window shopping we headed towards home but decided to stop off in Grand haven and take a late walk instead.We walked and talked and reminisced. Grand Haven has always been special since it is where we used to walk a lot when we were first dating and it is also where 90% of our outdoor wedding pics were taken that you see on my blog page.The beach/pier ones in particular.All in all it was a wonderful night.It was just the way we would have done it low key.


This is one of our favorite places to eat!





Nanner joining us at the table.



The pic that Max our waiter took of all of us.(yes I seem to have a way of always asking people in public to take pics lol,if you remember the Panera bread pic from when I met with my blogger girls)



This is our little gnome all bundled up on our walk because we had a very,very cool Michigan night dare I say high 50's,plus we were next to the lake, just before a crazy hot 92 degree day the next day.Ahh only in Michigan!! (p.s. battynurse if you recognize the blanket it's cause it's the one you sent us and made, he loves it!Thank you again!, the printed side is down so it may be hard to tell, I didn't use your real name since I didn't know if you share it online or not)






Oh how do I love this man!

Our next baby

While I was still pregnant DH and I had already decided that we wanted our children to be close together and that we would not wait too long between transfers so our next transfer would be sooner rather than later after nanner was born.We had decided a few months ago that we wanted to aim for an early fall transfer but that is tenative of course.So that is our plan. For those of you who I haven't shared this with on the phone already, now you know why I have been in such a hurry to lose weight.I want the old weight off before new weight comes on for a more comfortable, healthy pregnancy. I don't want to keep adding new weight and become so unhealthy that I cannot enjoy my children. So far the incentive of the next transfer is working as I have lost 26 pounds and am only 13 pounds from my prepregnancy weight.My goal weight however is my pre fertility med weight which is 32 pounds away. I do believe I can achieve it as I have lost 26 pounds in only about 2 1/2 months.I am almost half way there as of today!When we discussed the next transfer I decided that 2 goals needed to be met if we were to proceed and they were me getting my weight down ( my cholesterol was elevated for the first time in my entire life too) and also we wanted to wait and see if the temp job that DH has been working would hire him in(they have been very,very selective on who they have retained over the last few months).I am proud and excited to say that DH just called to to say that they gave him his hire in application/papers! While this is not his dream job or even close to what he was making before his layoff it is still a job with benefits and we are thankful to God above for it.It seems as though God is making everything come together for us once again.We are working on coming up with the money for the transfer and meds.I guess we could hope that the insurance that we get with this new job has some infertility coverage (doubtful since most don't cover infertility).We are planning on a couple yard sales with all the money being put into our "baby fund" we also save all our returnable soda can money and put that in there too.And of course we have been putting small amounts of money in there from DH's check as we can.I am hoping that God will help us achieve the goal we need to pay for the meds and the transfer as it seems as thought it is all starting to come together for the other two goals.As excited as I am about this next transfer I am also scared. I am scared it won't work, I am scared that we won't come up with the funds we need for the transfer and meds, I am scared that if it does work I may end up with complication like last time or worse.I guess these are all normal fears and I need to think positive that God will see me through like he did before.

A little post told by nanner

It all started when this arrived in the mail. Mommy and daddy said it was for me and that it was from Auntie Tammy and Uncle Mark.I was so excited!! (Thank you again Auntie Tammy and Uncle Mark)




Mommy opened it for me cause I can't really do that part yet but I enjoyed watching her do it.Here is what was inside, two very cute outfits just for me! For no reason other than I am loved and missed.Isn't that so sweet.Aren't they the best Auntie and Uncle EVER!! One is a very cute sleeper that mommy says makes my blue eyes look amazing and the other is a long pant short sleeve outfit with MONKEYS!!!We love ourselves some monkeys in this house!



So before I know it I hear mommy talking about how she wants to put me in the new blue sleeper for bed tonight.Great idea mommy!!So mommy got me ready for my bath, I love taking baths.Here I am in the tub, don't worry mommy covered all the special parts up ;-)



After I got out I was thinking and something didn't seem quite right....




So I thought hard to try to figure out what it was that seemed "off".....



And then it hit me!!!!It was only 4:30pm and it wasn't even dark yet!!!



So I sat on the couch holding my "lovie" tight awaiting the dreaded goodnight tuck in hoping my mommy would forget to put me to bed. After all it was still light out and only late afternoon.



And then there she was....my mommy....but I didn't want to go to bed yet.



So I did the only thing I could do I hid behind my "lovie" and hoped she didn't notice me.



But mommy found me anyway.



And then the greatest thing happened.I could hardly believe my ears.



Mommy said it wasn't time for bed after all.She said she was just excited to try my new jammies on from Auntie Tammy and Uncle Mark and that I could stay up for the rest of the night until my normal bedtime.That made me happy!!Cause I love spending time with my mommy and daddy and my brothers too! So that made me so very very happy!



Or maybe it was gas......



Nope false alarm, happy it is!!!



Don't you love a story with a happy ending me too! So does "lovie"!


P.s.You didn't think I was gonna forget to flash my baby blues at you did you???




Love Nanner

Green beans bad! Peas good!

Nanner eating his green beans before we knew they were "bad" :-(


Well apparently nanner might have an intolerance or slight allergy to green beans.Seems like an odd item to be sensitive to but signs point to yes.Green beans were the very first veggie we tried and after 2 days I had a very cranky,spit uppy, gassy, bloated baby.At that point in time I was unsure if he was gassy from all the crying or from the beans.He also started to seem insatiable which can be a sigh of a tummy ache.Babies often mistake tummy aches for hunger.He also developed a very slight diaper rash that had tiny dots of blood(EEK!)So after all that happened within ONLY 2 days I stopped the green beans completely.We have now been on peas for 2 days with no problems what so ever.And he seems to be back to himself now. I am gonna hold off on green beans until I talk to the doctor about his reaction, it is possible that he may be better able to tolerate them later.It really is to bad because the boy loved them.But they don't love him back. Oh well he loves him some peas too! Has anyone else found food sensitivities or allergies in their little ones? And if so what were they to and what were the symptoms??

Started solids and a year ago was a great day!

We had nanners 4 month appointment yesterday he is officially 4 months old today I can hardly believe it!.He had his 4 month vaccinations and he is doing great.His weight is 13 pounds 8 ounces and he is 25 inches long.We were given the go ahead to start solids so we had rice cereal last night, which he loved! He dove right in. He actually dove at the spoon!Crazy boy!He ate his whole little bowl and didn't really spit much of out, it was insane.I couldn't believe my eyes,it was like he knew what he was doing lol.So we will continue cereals for a while then work our way to veggies then fruits.I always leave sweets for last.To this day my older boys love their veggies.Go figure ;-)My oldest loves plain lettuce,fresh broccoli and eats tomatoes like they are apples.My middle son can't get enough of carrots,tomatoes and cucumbers.In general though they love all veggies.So I am hoping nanner will follow in their footsteps.And today is also a very important day as it is 1 year ago today that I got my first positive beta with nanner.I can't believe it's been 1 year already.And here I am now a year later with a 4 month old, time sure passes quickly.
I am including a couple of pics of our first time eating cereal and a few I took this afternoon.I think his shirt is too cute!

Small trip...Huge experience!!!

I have no idea where to begin but our trip to meet fellow bloggers Tammy and Kami was wonderful!The only negative was how short it was and that it went by so fast. I didn't want to leave them when it came time to say "goodbye".There was no awkwardness that you might expect when you first meet someone in person.It was as if I had known these girls for years.It was so comfortable being around other women who get it ,I mean really get it.Just between the three of us we shared the experiences of infertility,IVF,FET,endometriosis,donor embryos,IUI's,just to name a few as there was so much more.We all have tentatively talked about how we all have to get together on a regular basis and I sure hope that we all make that happen.It was a very uplifting experience for me and has only deepened my commitment to my blog and meeting and connecting with fellow bloggers who are walking and have walked this same path.Before I continue let's all stop to take a moment to say a prayer for Tammy and Mark that their little embies are snuggling in as we speak.She will blog about her transfer and her experience when she gets all settled in at home they should be back in Wisconsin today.

Our trip in pictures and and in a timeline...
We left home at 1:30pm after DH got home on Saturday from work and showered, grabbed our peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, loaded the car and hit the road.



Nanner's first road trip

About 30 minutes into our trip DH who said he was ok to drive started to dose off at the wheel (yikes!) so I made him pull over so I could take over.He had been up since 3am for work.Here he is only 10 minutes after I took over.

Our pit stop for a diaper change,bottle,stretch our legs,potty break and of course pictures.





After a arriving at our hotel, it is about a 3+ hour drive if you don't stop.
Our hotel, view from balcony etc, which I got a crazy deal on at expedia I had never used the site before but I was impressed with the results




Here are a couple of pics from Saturday night when we first met Tammy,Mark and her mom.Tammy and Nanner were the only ones in pics as everyone else was feeling a little tired and and camera shy.We had not yet met Kami we had plans for all of us to meet the next day on Sunday. DH and I stayed at a hotel only 6 minutes from Tammy and Mark so we were able to visit them and they were so nice and treated us to pizza at "their" place for dinner.(Thank you again)
Here's auntie Tammy and Nanner (yes we adopted her and Mark while we were there so we now have a new aunt and uncle in the family)



After leaving their hotel we wanted to take advantage of the indoor pool at our hotel and nanner loves the water at least at bath time he does, we had no idea what he would do in the pool.Boy he loved it!He splashed,kicked,cooed,squealed and laughed like crazy for an hour straight.He cried when we took him out.We had to as the pool was closing lol.I have some video that I will try to get on here later of it.

Our hotel at night


Nanner's first swim




Yup we had to take a pic of the poor chicken guy that we passed while we were driving to go meet up with Tammy and Kami the next day.

All three of us together for the first time


The baby line up Samantha,Mia,Mason



After meeting up at the hotel we then set out for Panera Bread a personal favorite of DH and mine (Kami's too!) and somewhere that Tammy and Mark and never been.While there we stayed and had a great meal that Mark and Tammy insisted on treating us all too(Thank you so much again! You really didn't have to do that) We all talked for hours passing babies from person to person.It was like a babies merry go round.lol The hours flew by and the babies all were on their very best non cranky behavior which made us mommies very, very glad!If you were an outsider looking in you would have thought it was a table of old friends not people who had just met.Or at least just met in person.We laughed, we shared, we made plans to do this all again and again.










I convinced the panera guy to take our picture all together he was not all that enthused but I didn't care it meant a lot to me.Tammy's mom is in this pic she is not in most of the others as she was taking them for all of us.(Thank you!)





After Panera bread we walked next door to the Carters outlet to look at the cute clothes and stretch our legs before our long drive home. Kami got some cute bibs for the girls and we checked out the cute monkey outfits.After that it was time for our goodbyes :-(





In closing I would like to say that one thing I did not share with anyone not even DH is the internal struggle I had about going on this trip.It is not for any of the reasons you might think.I debated on not going due to my weight.It is hard to want to meet new people and do new things when you are not feeling like you look your best. I am continuing to lose weight which is encouraging but I still do not feel like my old self weight wise. I have 38 more pounds to go before I get to my wedding weight/pre fertility med weight and 23 pounds until my pre-pregnancy weight.I am officially down 20 pounds. It was hard to put on a swim suit to take my son swimming but I am so glad I did.He had so much fun and we lucked out and had the whole pool to ourselves anyway.If I hadn't gone on this trip I would have missed out on meeting some of the nicest people I have ever met.I would have missed out on what has been one of the best experiences of my life.I would have missed out on seeing Tammy and Kami's smiling faces and meeting the twins.I would have missed out on seeing my son laugh and splash with glee in the pool. I would have missed out on a beautiful drive.I would have missed out on uninteruppted time spent with DH on the long drive home that gave us plenty of time to talk and catch up.I would have missed out on being there for a friend when she needed support from someone who has been there.In general if I would have let my weight control my life I would have missed out on life.I am so glad that I decided to live and and not hide!