A infertility web series that is worth taking a peek at

I stumbled upon this today and if you haven't already I recommend you check it out. TLC is doing a web series following 6 couples that are trying to conceive. They are all in various stages of their journey. A wide range of struggles are included with these couples such as PCOS,Endometriosis,male factor infertility, unexplained infertility,vasectomy reversal and miscarriages. They are taking various routes to parenthood, natural trying, medication, IVF,OPT's and considering the possibility of adoption.I sat and watched all the segments and plan to continue to follow their stories. So glad that a large network has decided to produce something like this, now maybe just maybe they can bring it to prime time on our televisions ;-)I know that while you are watching it will be impossible to feel alone in your journey.God bless girls!

TLC WEB SERIES LINK

Is it Tuesday yet??

My beta day is getting closer and closer. The HPT's have begun to whisper my name. They are not calling or even shouting to me yet but they are defiantely whispering my name ;-) Today is the 20th and my beta is on the 23rd. I feel like normally time passes too quickly but lately it is moving so S L O W..... My heaviness I had in my abdomen has pretty much gone away and has been replaces with cramping. I had very light cramping for a day or 2 but part of yesterday and now today are getting a bit uncomfortable.I feel like AF is coming any time.Even with the cramping I have not lost hope as I had cramping during my 2ww when I was PG with Nanner. But back then after my first FET I really thought it hadn't worked as I was so sure that AF was on her way. That feeling that I just knew that AF was coming was what drove me to take a HPT that time. I was so mad and just ready to move on knowing what my future was.To my huge surprise it was positive. So for this cycle I am trying to take it as a good sign that maybe just maybe it worked.Hopefully I can hang in there until beta time. Wish me luck girls!

Ahh the 2 week wait

Well I am a few days into my 2ww and yes it is already getting to me.As much as I try to distract myself it just isn't working that well. I can't say that I have much in the way of symptoms.There is one thing that may mean something and it's that I have heavy, very achy pain feeling in my pelvis. I did not have it before the transfer while on the same meds (estrace and prometrium) and I did not have it right after the transfer. I started feeling that way about 3 days after my transfer and it does not go away. It uncomfortable enough that even when I was on the phone talking and laughing with a friend that I felt the need to hold my abdomen in order to try to make it hurt less as laughing was pretty painful. So what do you all think possible infection or PG symptom. I have no other symptoms of infection just for a side note.I do vaguely remember having a similar feeling while PG with Nanner.In fact my abdomen was super sore with him but I can't remember if that was before or after my beta.So any input anyone has is appreciated. My beta is steadily approaching but time is going slower than I would like.I go in 6 days to have my blood drawn.It's on Tuesday the 23rd.I have not decided if I will POAS but I really. really am going to try to hold out. No really, I am this time ;-)

Transfer day

Our little embie made the thaw and was dividing nicely! Everything went very smoothly thank you for all the well wishes and prayers. Now I start my 48 hours strict bed rest and in about 11 days I will have a blood test to see if it worked.I am also on 10 pound lifting restriction until my blood test which is going to be tricky with my chunky monkey nanner in the house.The RE said the embie looked excellent and was doing wonderful! I am honestly full of hope that this will work. I have to say that the valium hit me harder this time than last time. I felt sleepy and loopy.The last 2 times it barely affected me at all.I am already getting a bit stir crazy, it's hard for me to sit still very long but I know I have to. :-) Let's hope that there is good news come beta time.My first beta is on Tuesday the 23rd. I will post pics of our day soon.Hope you are all doing well and that you all keep posting as I need material to read ;-)

Got the call and no more shots

I got the call that we have been waiting for telling us what time transfer is on Friday.It is set for 11:10 AM but we have to be there at 10:40.I officially am off the lupron. And I have to say I will not miss it.Already the headaches are going away and so are the hot flashes. My last shot was 2 days ago on the 8th.I also decreased my estrace and added prometrium/progesterone yesterday the 9th. Today the 10th I added tetracycline and medrol. So we are almost there. I can't believe that Friday is just around the corner.I am strangely calm seeing as we do not have a for sure sitter yet. And it's not because I haven't tried,boy have I tried. I even tried going through car.e.co.m. I tell you there are some people out there that I have no idea why they even applied. In the end we are supposed to being going with a friends 17 year old cousin. She came for an interview and I liked her really well.She seemed very interested in the job and said she wanted it but today I have tried calling her 3 times to tell her the time for tomorrow and have not been able to reach her.Possibly some more important teenage matters have arisen. Yes I am nervous as we have NO sitters or family to help.This was my first attempt ever in my life to hire an actual sitter complete with interviews etc. So as of now we are sitter less and well I have no idea what we are going to do.Maybe I will hear from her tomorrow. I plan to call my friend and see if she can get a hold of her to see what's up.So pray me girls that the sitter situation works out and also they thaw our 1 and only little one tomorrow the 11th (Thursday) please pray for it to make the thaw and keep growing into a wonderful outcome.

oh yeah!! Rockstar lining!!

Had my u/s appointment today and it went really well.They said my lining needed to be 6-8 at that point and it was 9.4 in one spot and 9.6 in another. So that is great news. I actually said to my hubby while we were at the office "HI five for rockstar lining" and HI fived him.lol I know we are weird but we are finally truly hitting out stride as a married couple. After 3 years of marriage we have gotten closer than ever are much better able to anticipate and understand each others needs.We have become more laid back and are having more fun because of this.So what is next is that I have to up my dose of estrace which is a normal part of the protocol and continue on the lupron.My transfer is definately a go for August 12th just a week a away Holy Moly!They are calling me on the 10th with the exact time of it.I will write more later but the bed is calling this tired rockstar! :-) Later ladies!

FET date is set! Lupron is horrible! And how to thank you all!

I talked to the RE's today because AF made her appearance over the weekend so that let us move forward.Based on my start date of AF my ultrasound date is now set and scheduled for August 4th which gives us that much longer to raise the remaining funds. We were set to have a yard sale this past weekend but the rainy weather made it impossible. We are going to try again this weekend.I also had my estrogen level drawn this past weekend and that came back under 20 which is where they want it to be so that looks good.I have to continue my lupron for about 2 more weeks. So far it is making me miserable. I have had pounding headaches like there are 2 vise grips wrapped around my head.No pain meds will touch them they last 24 hours a day non stop.I also have been queasy and thrown up and lets not forget the hot flashes and sweating! Between that and the super humid hot weather we have been having I almost passed out while we were out a couple of days ago. My face turns bright red and my whole body radiates heat.That is what happened a couple of days ago when I felt faint along with dizziness,nausea,and my legs got really wobbly.Thank goodness I will be decreasing my dose from here on out I hope it helps to make me feel better.


Well moving on I keep trying to think of ways to thank those of you who have or will be contributing to our "chip in".I have a couple ideas in mind. I am pretty sure I am going to do both. The first one that I will be doing for sure is holding off posting about my beta results for a bit maybe 1 day maybe a week until I have a chance to email those personally who contributed first with the news.I just wanted a special way to show those who helped how much it means to us that they have blessed us by helping.My second idea is a raffle.I am going to put an entry in for each $10.00 increment they have donated.So for example a $20.00 "chip in" would get 2 entries for that person.I am not sure what we will be giving as the prize but I am throwing around ideas in my head.Maybe a giftcard to either Bath and Body Works, Panera Bread,Old Navy,American Eagle or maybe it will winners choice and they can tell me where they want it to. I am not sure of the amount yet but obviously since we are raising money for our FET we can't do a really big amount but we really want to do something :-) These two "Thank you's" apply to everyone who has already donated and also anyone else who does before the deadline which is August 3rd.I know my "chip in" says August 6th but I set it before I knew the date the balance was due for our FET which has been dictated by AF so it was a bit beyond my control ;-) So don't think it is too late.I also want to say that I have emailed everyone who has donated to our fund if you did not get a personal email or email message on FB from me then please let me know.As I will need your current email address.Paypa.l does give me a email address for the sender but I just want to make sure it is your current or main email account so I can contact you.

Now for the date everyone is waiting for....my transfer is set for Friday morning August 12th!! I continue to try to stay low stress and think positive that it will work! But because I am human I must think of the what if's.So DH and I discussed what we would do if our precious last embie didn't make the thaw and we decided that we would apply all funds that we pay into our RE for our FET to get on the embryo adoption waiting list there. While it will not be enough to get on the waiting list as the transfer itself costs less than getting on the list. (yeah I have no idea on that one)It will be a really good start and put us over half way or so.Now don't get me wrong I am so thinking positive that our little embie will make it but.. I also need to plan it's just how I am. Well girls it is late.God bless you all and I will update again soon.

Lupron and family fun, okay so the two don't really go together LOL

Riding on the tram







All of us after our picnic lunch


Day 3 of Lupron shots done.Not much new to tell here, just feverishly trying to finish raising the money for the FET. It has come to my attention that it is due by the 26th when I have my U/S. So we are trying really hard to get to where we need to be with that. For a moment we considered not moving forward this month with the meds for the transfer in August but have decided to believe that God will make a way.We are going to have a smallish yard sale this Saturday, I say small because we have already sold most of what we had on craigsli.st or in previous yard sales.Even though it is smaller I am hoping there are enough proceeds to cover our remaining needed funds.Which is about $400.00. Considering how much we originally needed to raise the amount still required has shrunk greatly. Normally this wouldn't be so hard to get this raised but about 2 weeks ago DH's work cut every ones hours by 10-12 hours indefinitely and this was done with no notice. Talk about bad timing....So that is why we are scrambling so hard with this remaining amount.So on another note we decided to have some much desired and needed family time this weekend.Even though they cut DH's hours he still has to work 6-7 days a week, mandatory. Yeah I know it sucks! So it can be really hard to have as much quality family time as we would like. So when he didn't have to work on sunday (him having a day off is VERY RARE) we made sure to start our fun on saturday evening to make the most of it :-) We decided to go camping in our backyard which was really fun and relaxing. We started the evening off by setting up our tent,building a bonfire,and then cooking our dinner (hot dogs)over the fire, we also had macaroni salad and chips.We ate at the picnic table and then went swimming ,a friend of mine also joined us after dinner to go swimming (we don't have a big or fancy pool but it works for us lol), sit around the fire and have smores. The boys had a blast and they loved "camping out". I loved sitting with everyone around the fire after dark.Nanner boy was so snugly and loved just sitting and cuddling with momma by the fire :-)After we got all the boys into the tent for bed it was great to just sit and chat with my friend and hubby, so relaxing! Which is very needed since my last cycle that failed was very stressful from the start and we are trying to not have a replay of that.The next morning we went to the Zoo as we already had tickets that we bought about 2 months ago in anticipation of going but it didn't pan out for when we thought we might go. Being in Michigan our zoo's aren't open as long as others so they were set to expire the beginning of October and we are thinking positively that I will be PG after this cycle and may not be allowed to walk as much as the zoo requires. There are pretty long trails for exhibits and activities some through the woods that are not paved (it's really cool) and others on boardwalks through a swamp/marsh land.And of course the main zoo and the African safari zoo side which in and of themselves are both a ton of walking. We fed the giraffes which are my absolute favorite. It was so cute watching nanner feed those beautiful animals. He was not scared at all and his face lit up as did my older boys.We also went in the petting zoo area and he pet the goats again I loved watching his face as he tried new things. It is so fun to live through my children, this was nanners first trip ever to a zoo, my older boys have been there before but they love it every time.We rode the very cute zoo train around the zoo which nanner was mesmorized by and later he just laid back, smiled and enjoyed our other ride on the safari tram train that takes you to the safari side of the zoo through the woods, past water and pretty scenery.It's really neat! It's three cars long, decorated with zebra stripes and they play safari animal noises/music while the announcements act as though you were departing the USA and traveling to Africa. They tell you what to expect in Africa and tell you info and facts about there and the animals.The boys again had so much fun and it was done without extra expense.Our tickets were pre paid, we took a picnic lunch and then used a gift card that I got for my birthday for dinner at subway on the way home. I loved that we were able to have a couple of fun filled days without spending any money! Yay! The boys loved it all and it made us feel so good to give them a couple of special days.I have so many more pictures from the zoo and camping out I will share some of them later when I am not so tired.Family fun wipes you out lol.But it is worth it.It was more tiring as we have had days in the 96 degree range lately including the day at the zoo so we are a bit sweaty looking in the pics lol.Well girls I need to get to bed as it is late/early already.I will update soon.God bless you all!

One step closer

Well all of my meds have now arrived including the lupro.n Yay! And now I am just waiting for the 16th to arrive as that is when I start my shots. I am also still working on raising funds for the transfer. We have had a couple of yard sales, sold stuff on craigsl.ist, put money away ourselves and have had a few wonderful people make donations. Which I can't say enough how much it has meant to us to see the kindness and generosity of others.Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! We now need less than $700.00 which I am hoping to raise the money before August. My old "chip in" ended so I had to put it back up.I had it set only to July due to the fact that we thought we were gonna try to get back on the donor embryo waiting list first and wanted to do it before the price increase.But now since we are going to do a FET with our remaining embie our fundraising time has been extended.Our ultimate goal is to get back on the donor embryo waiting list but it will be awhile before we can raise the funds for that.I am trying to get myself in a good mindset for my transfer. Trying to push my fears and concerns aside and adopt a very positive outlook.Right now I feel relaxed and positive that it will work but I also have not had to start my meds yet.So pray for me that I can stay in this relaxed positive state of mind.Well girls here we go again thank you for coming along for the ride. Love you all!

A decision made ...and it's back ordered

Well I know it has been a while since I posted and partially it is because my appointment for my follow up appointment hit me harder than I expected it took.I actually came to tears sitting in the parking lot with hubby before we went in.But all in all in went well. The doctor too his time with us and tried to figure out what might have happened.He said one reason it might not have worked is that the embryos did not keep splitting after they were thawed. But that is not a positive answer to what happened. As he explained it that is not a guarantee to it working or not working but that is does show them that everything is basically fine with the embies if they can see them them continuing to divide. He said sometimes they don't keep dividing right after they thaw them but that doesn't mean they won't do so after they are transferred.He did look back in my chart as he was talking to us and said that out of the set that made Nanner 2 were continuing to divide after they thawed them. So anyways after talking with him and some careful consideration we have decided to proceed and transfer our last little one. My transfer is set up for August.I will be starting a long lupron cycle (3 weeks of shots) on the 16th of July.I have never done this type of cycle before.I will also be on estrace and progesterone.So here comes the tricky part due to a national lupro.n shortage my lupro.n is back ordered.So even though I ordered it there is no guarantee that my lupro.n will be here in time for my cycle.I am really hoping it will as I would like a smooth cycle this time. We are currently in crunch time for raising funds and have had two yard sales and been selling things through c.raigslist.I know I already said it to you personally but "Thank you" again to those of you who contributed to our chip in, you have no idea how much that meant to us and I will never forget your kindness.We currently need to raise less than $900 to move forward with this FET.I am hoping we get there before the FET gets here.I did create a separate blog for Faceboo.k fundraising if anyone wants to share it as I do not share this blog on FB and hope that everyone understands that.I just like my privacy and place where I can be really honest with you all when I need to without worrying that family or friends will read it all.Anyways girls that is the update for now, I hope you all are well. Hugs to you all...

Follow up appointment today, where to go from here and how to get there

Today is my follow up appointment to discuss where we go from here.This should have been my first u/s appointment :-( I never went in to get my second beta drawn as it was too painful emotionally. I called the RE's and asked if I really had to since I already had a heavy period on the day I was supposed to go. They said they understood and since I already had a period that I did not have to.They also said it is a normal request after a negative first beta.I know that I have not blogged in quite a while, I just have not known what to say.I feel like I am stuck and cannot move forward with a FET with our 1 little embie as the funds are just not there since we had the non responsive cycle and then this failed transfer.Also we have no infertility coverage so it all is out of pocket consults, meds, u/s's, mock transfer, sono, FET's and blood work. All of it. If I fail at something I like to try again. Not being able to try again is unbelievably frustrating and painful.After talking with our donor coordinator on the phone DH and I have discussed what we want to do and what is the best thing to do right now.We are scared that with having one embie it's a long shot and big financial chance to take since it may not make the thaw.I would have gone through medicines and monitoring just to have nothing to transfer at the end.Also transferring just one does not have as high of a chance of a pregnancy. We have decided that the best next step is to get on the donor embryo list so that we can be matched while we are working towards our next transfer.We will still transfer our 1 little embie but maybe we will be matched by the time we can afford our next transfer so if it doesn't make the thaw we can still have a transfer. Unfortunately getting on the list is not cheap either.To make matters worse we found out that the donor embie program is facing another price increase as of July 1st. So that makes me more worried that it will be further out of reach.It is $2,025 just to get on the list to get matched etc.It covers the case fees etc but nothing towards transfer.But if we are paid by July 1st we will be grandfathered in at the lower prices.I know it's a long shot but my best friend in the whole wide world and I were talking and thought it may be a long shot but that I should put a chip in widget on my blog.I did tell her that I did have a donate button on here last year but had no donations so I really don't think it will work.So I have gone back and forth on it in my head as I feel like people think bad of you when you have one up.But let's face it ladies I am desperate and sad so really it can't make things any worse right? So I will be adding the widget and hoping to raise enough money to get on the list. We are also having a yard sale next weekend. But don't have a ton to sell. I am hoping we can at least make a couple hundred if we are lucky at it.I don't want anyone to feel pressured to help but I guess I won't know if anyone wants to unless I make it an option.Just know that you all mean a lot to me even if can't help.Your encouraging words and kind comments are always appreciated.

Stuck on sad

This has affected me more than I thought it would. I rehearsed in my head before we started all of this how I would feel if it didn't work I thought I would be "okay" but I never really anticipapted how emotionally devastated I would be.I am struggling and failing to not cry. I can't and don't have any drive to do my normal routine.The bare minimum is being done.This has brought back all of my emotional pain from my miscarriages.I hadn't realized that it was just under the surface waiting to be exposed.I didn't know it would consume me like it has.I think part of my hopelessness is that fact that we have 1 embryo left just 1.What if we go through a cycle and it does not make the thaw?? Besides that between our stim cycle that was cancelled and this one we can not afford to move forward in any way. I am paralyzed not only with grief but financially. I so want to just move forward and transfer our last embie but the finances are just not there. We have next to nothing left of the money we had in our baby fund.And our insurance won't touch any of it.We would like to get back on the donor embie list but that is so expensive.I just feel stuck like I am sinking and can doing nothing to pull my self up.Looking for a life line.....

Negative Beta.......

I am sad and angry.Sorry I just don't have any thing else to say.

Beta is today

I will go have my beta drawn in about 4 hours (8:30AM) yes I know I should be sleeping but I just can't. I can't shake this cloud I am under...

Losing hope....POAS

So I caved against my better judgement and POAS yesterday and today, both times it was a very,very BFN.I took the test 8dp3dt and 9dp3dt, I am losing hope and feeling discouraged.Beta is in 2 days on friday, not feeling very optimistic.With nanner I got a positive on 9dp3dt."sigh"

Feeling so low and sick to my stomach with stress, I wanna cry or get angry and scream.Or maybe I will just crawl under the covers and hide..