Adopting Miracles

20 week complete ultrasound and time to catch up!

2011-12-27T17:02:00.004-05:00

I had my 20 week complete u/s a couple of weeks a ago.I know I know I am a terrible blogger lately.I am guilty of using fb more than blogger, but even on there I haven't been really posting that much.If you are interested in being added to my fb just email me to let me know:)(email is on my blog on the right)

Now back to the u/s. Well everything looked great. Even though I was excited I also find the 20 week u/s to be nerve wracking. It is hard not to be afraid that you will get bad news. Maybe that is just IF raising it's ugly head and feeding my fears...

Well first off her organs etc all looked great and secondly she is still a she :) Three u/s's later I think we can be pretty certain that it's a girl.I am getting pretty excited about having a daughter. But it still doesn't feel completely real yet.

We are still working on naming her and have one we both like but have not made it official yet and therefor have not shared it with many people. Only 2 to be exact and they know that it may not be the one we choose.

I am anxious to get started on her room which will have owls has a main part of the theme along with pink! I am not able to start it yet as we are working on finishing another room for my oldest so he can move into it and that way Mookie can be in the room that is nearest our room.For those late night feedings and so she will not wake up the boys before we can get to her.

Nanner boy officially turned 2 about the same time as I had my 20 week u/s. It seems crazy that he is two already.I feel like I blinked and time flew by.He is doing great. Talking up a storm,loves doing his puzzles and building his dup.lo legos.The moment that melted my heart recently was when he started singing we wish you a merry Christmas out of nowhere. It was adorable!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas.I know we did and Mookie even got a few presents from her grandma. She got 2 very cute sleepers and a cute velour penguin stuffed animal.Daddy even got a present from Mookie as he was able to feel her kick for the first time late on Christmas eve (basically it was Christmas since it was after midnight)I have been able to feel her for a while but he hasn't until then. I know when I had my 20 week u/s they said I have an anterior placenta which makes it harder to feel her kick and harder to hear with the doppler.But that it is nothing to worry about.

Well January is on it's way which means the turn of the new year and also me turning older once again.Yay! Please note sarcasm :)lol I know that age is just a number but in the fertility world it seems to be more than that so it is always a bit hard to add another year to my age every January.

Well everyone I hope that you are all well and that everyone is enjoying the holidays.Hugs to you all!

IT'S A .....................

2011-11-23T23:15:00.006-05:00

So we had another ultrasound today as they are watching me very closely and I asked the tech to peek at our little one again to confirm what they thought the gender was last week was the same this week.And it's turns out that our boys are still gonna have a .....

We are so happy and would have been so no matter what the gender. But I finally won't be so out numbered by boys :-) (4 to 1 in this house) I have always wanted at least one daughter and now God has blessed me with one. I see lots of pink in our future!!

Hey girls miss you all, and take my gender poll :-)

2011-11-18T01:27:00.003-05:00

Hi everyone I know it has been forever again.Yes I blame it on being tired all the time Lara :) Well I am happy to report that most of my nausea and puking is gone.Not completely but it is so much better. Migraines are another story, they continue to stick around.I had an u/s appointment on Tuesday to check my cervical length. They are watching me close since it tore when I gave birth to nanner and due to my history of m/c's etc. The tech said it looked great and she even gave us a peek at baby who also was doing great. She paused before she started to look at baby and asked if she was able to see the gender did we want to know? I was like yes we are planners and really want to know ahead of time.She said she was about 90% sure what it was and told us but said that she would confirm it in December at our 45 minute complete u/s.We actually have 3 u/s appointments before that to check cervical length.So I may have her check again before that.We are trying to think of a cute way to announce gender this time as we did not do anything special last time.Preferably something that is maybe you.tube/or other video sharing site friendly since most people that we will be announcing to are not local.Plus I already told my mom as she twisted my arm while we were out Christmas shopping yesterday :)So any an all ideas are welcome.So besides all that I have been nesting like crazy. I have been cleaning out,sorting things to sell, donate and throw away.I love getting things organized and cleaned out it makes me feel accomplished but admittedly I am a bit sluggish in the duration and speed category compared to how fast I would usually do things like that. lol

How far along? 16 weeks!

Total weight gain/loss: I am up about 2-3 pounds from my after fertility med weight. I gained about 7- 8 pounds on the meds before I got pregnant.

Maternity clothes? None, but the belly is growing even without gaining weight much weight.My normal jeans are getting uncomfortable so my yoga pants it is!

Sleep: Tired all the time and still dreaming at night like crazy

Best moment this week: Getting a surpise early glimpse at the gender :)

Movement:I swear I have light tapping and flutters

Food cravings: Anything that I can keep down at the moment, mostly ensure shakes.I still have strong aversions and can only eat a little of most foods before I don't want it.

Gender: 90% sure and keeping it a secret for now ;)

Labor Signs: Nope

Belly Button in or out? In

What I miss: Being headache free and having more energy

What I am looking forward to:My complete u/s on December 13th

Weekly Wisdom:Rest whenever you can and no pregnancy is exactly the same.

Well I guess that is about it for now,I would say that I will be better at blogging but I don't want to lie to all you sweet girls. lol All I can say is I will try. Miss you all and please know that I am still reading blogs.

Picture timeline

2011-10-13T00:03:00.004-04:00

Mookies first pic!

5 weeks 5 days ultrasound

9 weeks 6 days ultrasound

Owl that we made for Mookie

I want to start out thanking you all for all your kind comments and helpful tips on pregnancy nausea. I had my first OB appointment on Oct 8 and it went really well. Our little miracle had a strong heart beat and was measuring ahead by 4 days. I like my new OB a lot she is great! After by horrible birth experience last time I knew I had to find a new OB in order to have a fresh start and so I would be better able to trust again the next time.They did an u/s that day so we got to see him or her :) We have given the baby a nick name just like we did Nanner. It feels a bit more personal until we know the gender and pick out names. So our little miracles nick name is "Mookie".We ventured out this past Sunday to make Mookie an animal at Bui.ld a bea.r. We ended up making a very cute colorful owl that we named "Mookie". We made Nanner a monkey named "Nanner" while I was pregnant with him too.It's has become tradition now.I was able to hear our little ones heartbeat for the first time on our home doppler at 9 1/2 weeks. I was surprised that I was able to so early but it was music to my ears :) I am finally going to post an up close embie picture from before transfer. I also have our first and second u/s picture that I will post.I decided to do the pregnancy question post.I have never done one before but everyone else does so I thought it might be nice to have a record of this time in my pregnancy. So here goes :)

How far along? 11 weeks!

Total weight gain/loss: I am down 3 pounds,nausea makes it hard to eat and keep it down.

Maternity clothes? None, but the belly is growing even without gaining weight.

Sleep: Tired all the time but I sleep horrible at night,I have lots of nightmares

Best moment this week: Getting to stop the estrace, prometrium is next. I stop it in one week.

Movement: Nope but very strong heartbeat that we listen to on our home doppler!

Food cravings: Anything that I can keep down at the moment, mostly ensure shakes.

Gender: Not yet but we want to find out when we can

Labor Signs: Nope

Belly Button in or out? In

What I miss: Not throwing up :) and being nightmare free.

What I am looking forward to: Stopping the prometrium in one week.

Weekly Wisdom:Rest whenever you can and no pregnancy is exactly the same.

Wowser it has been a while!

2011-09-28T00:55:00.001-04:00

So sorry it has been so long since I last posted.Partially I have been so tired like bone tired.Also the nausea and food adversions have been very strong. I hesitated to post about this as I do not want to sound like I am complaining but the reality is that's what has been going on here lately.This pregnancy is so different from when I was PG with Nanner.I know that all PG's can be different but wow what a difference. I was not this wore out and tired with him nor did I have more than a handful of nauseated days. This time I have had to get a prescription for nausea since the nausea, food adversions and vomiting has been so bad.I was getting so bad that I had adversions even to liquids so I barely drank. Even water gagged me.The medicine has helped but does not last very long.I do have my very first appointment and U/S with my OB coming up soon.It is on october 5th.I can't wait. I have had a few more spotting incidents which I believe are still due to the prometrium.I try to not stress about it but it always worries me when it happens. I will be able to stop taking the estrace when I am 11 weeks and the prometrium when I am 12 weeks. I am currently 9 weeks so not too long from now.So questions for you girls anyone know of any tricks for helping with nausea? Also of you that have said you experienced spotting from taking prometrium, how often did it happen and was it something to worry about at all? Thanks girls and I know that I have to get better about posting but rest assured it not just my blog that is neglected,FB has also suffered. I just have been preferring to lay around instead of doing anything on the internet. I usually end up dosing off before I get online LOL. I will be taking my first belly pic soon, even though I am not showing and haven't gained any PG weight yet.I did gain about 6 pounds while on fertility meds but also have dropped about 2-3 pounds from being so sick.Well I should get going before I fall asleep on the keyboard :-) Hope everyone is doing well. P.s I am still reading everyone's blogs on most days, I haven't forgotten about you!

First ultrasound

2011-09-07T01:04:00.002-04:00

Today we had our first u/s and it went very well. We saw a teenie tiny heart beating and we were measuring on track.He gave me a due date of May 3rd.I still am in disbelief it is taking a bit to really sink in for some reason.Don't get me wrong I am happy but just having a hard time believing it is true even thought I know it is. I know crazy but it's how I feel :)

First u/s scheduled

2011-09-01T02:09:00.002-04:00

My first u/s is scheduled for September 6Th.I am excited and nervous all in one.Not a ton to write about right now just still trying to let this news sink in. I am still in disbelief.Thank you so much for your support and well wishes it means so much to me.

Second beta is in

2011-08-25T14:02:00.002-04:00

Just got my second beta results and it was 531!! Praise GOD!!! I am still in shock :)

My beta results

2011-08-23T20:22:00.002-04:00

Waiting is finally done....

Sorry it has taken me a bit to post but my office did not call until about 4:30pm. And I wanted to make sure to contact my "chip in " contributors first to let them know the results, as I had promised I would.I actually took a hpt or 3 :-) on Sunday and they came up positive. I also had a scare on Monday when I had a very small amount of bleeding it did not last for more then a few hours but truly was scary.I called the RE's and talked to the nurse and admitted that I had POAS and it was positive. I also told her that I was having the cramping and bleeding and described it to her, she said really it most likely was a good sign, implantation. The other cause that she thought it could be is the prometrium was irritating my cervix.Either way she said I should try not to worry. So fast forward to today I went and had it drawn and then I waited and waited. I called the RE's and left a message for the nurse. Later I got the call I was waiting for and I guess the lab never faxed them the results so they had to get a hold of them before they called me back. The nurse said congratulations you are pregnant and they said my beta was 206. She said she really, really liked my number and felt really good about it.So now I go back on the Thursday the 25th for my second beta. I am hoping for a great increase so I can feel even better, as I still am a bit nervous about my bleeding yesterday.I hope they are right and it was either implantation bleeding or irritation of my cervix.Thank you all so much for your support and prayers that you have given us we really appreciate them.

Poked!

2011-08-23T12:48:00.002-04:00

I got poked today to draw my beta. Now I wait...

A infertility web series that is worth taking a peek at

2011-08-22T03:10:00.003-04:00

I stumbled upon this today and if you haven't already I recommend you check it out. TLC is doing a web series following 6 couples that are trying to conceive. They are all in various stages of their journey. A wide range of struggles are included with these couples such as PCOS,Endometriosis,male factor infertility, unexplained infertility,vasectomy reversal and miscarriages. They are taking various routes to parenthood, natural trying, medication, IVF,OPT's and considering the possibility of adoption.I sat and watched all the segments and plan to continue to follow their stories. So glad that a large network has decided to produce something like this, now maybe just maybe they can bring it to prime time on our televisions ;-)I know that while you are watching it will be impossible to feel alone in your journey.God bless girls!

TLC WEB SERIES LINK

Is it Tuesday yet??

2011-08-20T15:20:00.004-04:00

My beta day is getting closer and closer. The HPT's have begun to whisper my name. They are not calling or even shouting to me yet but they are defiantely whispering my name ;-) Today is the 20th and my beta is on the 23rd. I feel like normally time passes too quickly but lately it is moving so S L O W..... My heaviness I had in my abdomen has pretty much gone away and has been replaces with cramping. I had very light cramping for a day or 2 but part of yesterday and now today are getting a bit uncomfortable.I feel like AF is coming any time.Even with the cramping I have not lost hope as I had cramping during my 2ww when I was PG with Nanner. But back then after my first FET I really thought it hadn't worked as I was so sure that AF was on her way. That feeling that I just knew that AF was coming was what drove me to take a HPT that time. I was so mad and just ready to move on knowing what my future was.To my huge surprise it was positive. So for this cycle I am trying to take it as a good sign that maybe just maybe it worked.Hopefully I can hang in there until beta time. Wish me luck girls!

Ahh the 2 week wait

2011-08-17T02:49:00.002-04:00

Well I am a few days into my 2ww and yes it is already getting to me.As much as I try to distract myself it just isn't working that well. I can't say that I have much in the way of symptoms.There is one thing that may mean something and it's that I have heavy, very achy pain feeling in my pelvis. I did not have it before the transfer while on the same meds (estrace and prometrium) and I did not have it right after the transfer. I started feeling that way about 3 days after my transfer and it does not go away. It uncomfortable enough that even when I was on the phone talking and laughing with a friend that I felt the need to hold my abdomen in order to try to make it hurt less as laughing was pretty painful. So what do you all think possible infection or PG symptom. I have no other symptoms of infection just for a side note.I do vaguely remember having a similar feeling while PG with Nanner.In fact my abdomen was super sore with him but I can't remember if that was before or after my beta.So any input anyone has is appreciated. My beta is steadily approaching but time is going slower than I would like.I go in 6 days to have my blood drawn.It's on Tuesday the 23rd.I have not decided if I will POAS but I really. really am going to try to hold out. No really, I am this time ;-)

Transfer day

2011-08-12T17:56:00.003-04:00

Our little embie made the thaw and was dividing nicely! Everything went very smoothly thank you for all the well wishes and prayers. Now I start my 48 hours strict bed rest and in about 11 days I will have a blood test to see if it worked.I am also on 10 pound lifting restriction until my blood test which is going to be tricky with my chunky monkey nanner in the house.The RE said the embie looked excellent and was doing wonderful! I am honestly full of hope that this will work. I have to say that the valium hit me harder this time than last time. I felt sleepy and loopy.The last 2 times it barely affected me at all.I am already getting a bit stir crazy, it's hard for me to sit still very long but I know I have to. :-) Let's hope that there is good news come beta time.My first beta is on Tuesday the 23rd. I will post pics of our day soon.Hope you are all doing well and that you all keep posting as I need material to read ;-)

Got the call and no more shots

2011-08-11T01:40:00.002-04:00

I got the call that we have been waiting for telling us what time transfer is on Friday.It is set for 11:10 AM but we have to be there at 10:40.I officially am off the lupron. And I have to say I will not miss it.Already the headaches are going away and so are the hot flashes. My last shot was 2 days ago on the 8th.I also decreased my estrace and added prometrium/progesterone yesterday the 9th. Today the 10th I added tetracycline and medrol. So we are almost there. I can't believe that Friday is just around the corner.I am strangely calm seeing as we do not have a for sure sitter yet. And it's not because I haven't tried,boy have I tried. I even tried going through car.e.co.m. I tell you there are some people out there that I have no idea why they even applied. In the end we are supposed to being going with a friends 17 year old cousin. She came for an interview and I liked her really well.She seemed very interested in the job and said she wanted it but today I have tried calling her 3 times to tell her the time for tomorrow and have not been able to reach her.Possibly some more important teenage matters have arisen. Yes I am nervous as we have NO sitters or family to help.This was my first attempt ever in my life to hire an actual sitter complete with interviews etc. So as of now we are sitter less and well I have no idea what we are going to do.Maybe I will hear from her tomorrow. I plan to call my friend and see if she can get a hold of her to see what's up.So pray me girls that the sitter situation works out and also they thaw our 1 and only little one tomorrow the 11th (Thursday) please pray for it to make the thaw and keep growing into a wonderful outcome.

oh yeah!! Rockstar lining!!

2011-08-05T02:51:00.003-04:00

Had my u/s appointment today and it went really well.They said my lining needed to be 6-8 at that point and it was 9.4 in one spot and 9.6 in another. So that is great news. I actually said to my hubby while we were at the office "HI five for rockstar lining" and HI fived him.lol I know we are weird but we are finally truly hitting out stride as a married couple. After 3 years of marriage we have gotten closer than ever are much better able to anticipate and understand each others needs.We have become more laid back and are having more fun because of this.So what is next is that I have to up my dose of estrace which is a normal part of the protocol and continue on the lupron.My transfer is definately a go for August 12th just a week a away Holy Moly!They are calling me on the 10th with the exact time of it.I will write more later but the bed is calling this tired rockstar! :-) Later ladies!

FET date is set! Lupron is horrible! And how to thank you all!

2011-07-26T01:40:00.008-04:00

I talked to the RE's today because AF made her appearance over the weekend so that let us move forward.Based on my start date of AF my ultrasound date is now set and scheduled for August 4th which gives us that much longer to raise the remaining funds. We were set to have a yard sale this past weekend but the rainy weather made it impossible. We are going to try again this weekend.I also had my estrogen level drawn this past weekend and that came back under 20 which is where they want it to be so that looks good.I have to continue my lupron for about 2 more weeks. So far it is making me miserable. I have had pounding headaches like there are 2 vise grips wrapped around my head.No pain meds will touch them they last 24 hours a day non stop.I also have been queasy and thrown up and lets not forget the hot flashes and sweating! Between that and the super humid hot weather we have been having I almost passed out while we were out a couple of days ago. My face turns bright red and my whole body radiates heat.That is what happened a couple of days ago when I felt faint along with dizziness,nausea,and my legs got really wobbly.Thank goodness I will be decreasing my dose from here on out I hope it helps to make me feel better.

Well moving on I keep trying to think of ways to thank those of you who have or will be contributing to our "chip in".I have a couple ideas in mind. I am pretty sure I am going to do both. The first one that I will be doing for sure is holding off posting about my beta results for a bit maybe 1 day maybe a week until I have a chance to email those personally who contributed first with the news.I just wanted a special way to show those who helped how much it means to us that they have blessed us by helping.My second idea is a raffle.I am going to put an entry in for each $10.00 increment they have donated.So for example a $20.00 "chip in" would get 2 entries for that person.I am not sure what we will be giving as the prize but I am throwing around ideas in my head.Maybe a giftcard to either Bath and Body Works, Panera Bread,Old Navy,American Eagle or maybe it will winners choice and they can tell me where they want it to. I am not sure of the amount yet but obviously since we are raising money for our FET we can't do a really big amount but we really want to do something :-) These two "Thank you's" apply to everyone who has already donated and also anyone else who does before the deadline which is August 3rd.I know my "chip in" says August 6th but I set it before I knew the date the balance was due for our FET which has been dictated by AF so it was a bit beyond my control ;-) So don't think it is too late.I also want to say that I have emailed everyone who has donated to our fund if you did not get a personal email or email message on FB from me then please let me know.As I will need your current email address.Paypa.l does give me a email address for the sender but I just want to make sure it is your current or main email account so I can contact you.

Now for the date everyone is waiting for....my transfer is set for Friday morning August 12th!! I continue to try to stay low stress and think positive that it will work! But because I am human I must think of the what if's.So DH and I discussed what we would do if our precious last embie didn't make the thaw and we decided that we would apply all funds that we pay into our RE for our FET to get on the embryo adoption waiting list there. While it will not be enough to get on the waiting list as the transfer itself costs less than getting on the list. (yeah I have no idea on that one)It will be a really good start and put us over half way or so.Now don't get me wrong I am so thinking positive that our little embie will make it but.. I also need to plan it's just how I am. Well girls it is late.God bless you all and I will update again soon.

Lupron and family fun, okay so the two don't really go together LOL

2011-07-19T01:16:00.014-04:00

Riding on the tram

All of us after our picnic lunch

Day 3 of Lupron shots done.Not much new to tell here, just feverishly trying to finish raising the money for the FET. It has come to my attention that it is due by the 26th when I have my U/S. So we are trying really hard to get to where we need to be with that. For a moment we considered not moving forward this month with the meds for the transfer in August but have decided to believe that God will make a way.We are going to have a smallish yard sale this Saturday, I say small because we have already sold most of what we had on craigsli.st or in previous yard sales.Even though it is smaller I am hoping there are enough proceeds to cover our remaining needed funds.Which is about $400.00. Considering how much we originally needed to raise the amount still required has shrunk greatly. Normally this wouldn't be so hard to get this raised but about 2 weeks ago DH's work cut every ones hours by 10-12 hours indefinitely and this was done with no notice. Talk about bad timing....So that is why we are scrambling so hard with this remaining amount.So on another note we decided to have some much desired and needed family time this weekend.Even though they cut DH's hours he still has to work 6-7 days a week, mandatory. Yeah I know it sucks! So it can be really hard to have as much quality family time as we would like. So when he didn't have to work on sunday (him having a day off is VERY RARE) we made sure to start our fun on saturday evening to make the most of it :-) We decided to go camping in our backyard which was really fun and relaxing. We started the evening off by setting up our tent,building a bonfire,and then cooking our dinner (hot dogs)over the fire, we also had macaroni salad and chips.We ate at the picnic table and then went swimming ,a friend of mine also joined us after dinner to go swimming (we don't have a big or fancy pool but it works for us lol), sit around the fire and have smores. The boys had a blast and they loved "camping out". I loved sitting with everyone around the fire after dark.Nanner boy was so snugly and loved just sitting and cuddling with momma by the fire :-)After we got all the boys into the tent for bed it was great to just sit and chat with my friend and hubby, so relaxing! Which is very needed since my last cycle that failed was very stressful from the start and we are trying to not have a replay of that.The next morning we went to the Zoo as we already had tickets that we bought about 2 months ago in anticipation of going but it didn't pan out for when we thought we might go. Being in Michigan our zoo's aren't open as long as others so they were set to expire the beginning of October and we are thinking positively that I will be PG after this cycle and may not be allowed to walk as much as the zoo requires. There are pretty long trails for exhibits and activities some through the woods that are not paved (it's really cool) and others on boardwalks through a swamp/marsh land.And of course the main zoo and the African safari zoo side which in and of themselves are both a ton of walking. We fed the giraffes which are my absolute favorite. It was so cute watching nanner feed those beautiful animals. He was not scared at all and his face lit up as did my older boys.We also went in the petting zoo area and he pet the goats again I loved watching his face as he tried new things. It is so fun to live through my children, this was nanners first trip ever to a zoo, my older boys have been there before but they love it every time.We rode the very cute zoo train around the zoo which nanner was mesmorized by and later he just laid back, smiled and enjoyed our other ride on the safari tram train that takes you to the safari side of the zoo through the woods, past water and pretty scenery.It's really neat! It's three cars long, decorated with zebra stripes and they play safari animal noises/music while the announcements act as though you were departing the USA and traveling to Africa. They tell you what to expect in Africa and tell you info and facts about there and the animals.The boys again had so much fun and it was done without extra expense.Our tickets were pre paid, we took a picnic lunch and then used a gift card that I got for my birthday for dinner at subway on the way home. I loved that we were able to have a couple of fun filled days without spending any money! Yay! The boys loved it all and it made us feel so good to give them a couple of special days.I have so many more pictures from the zoo and camping out I will share some of them later when I am not so tired.Family fun wipes you out lol.But it is worth it.It was more tiring as we have had days in the 96 degree range lately including the day at the zoo so we are a bit sweaty looking in the pics lol.Well girls I need to get to bed as it is late/early already.I will update soon.God bless you all!

One step closer

2011-07-08T00:00:00.008-04:00

Well all of my meds have now arrived including the lupro.n Yay! And now I am just waiting for the 16th to arrive as that is when I start my shots. I am also still working on raising funds for the transfer. We have had a couple of yard sales, sold stuff on craigsl.ist, put money away ourselves and have had a few wonderful people make donations. Which I can't say enough how much it has meant to us to see the kindness and generosity of others.Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! We now need less than $700.00 which I am hoping to raise the money before August. My old "chip in" ended so I had to put it back up.I had it set only to July due to the fact that we thought we were gonna try to get back on the donor embryo waiting list first and wanted to do it before the price increase.But now since we are going to do a FET with our remaining embie our fundraising time has been extended.Our ultimate goal is to get back on the donor embryo waiting list but it will be awhile before we can raise the funds for that.I am trying to get myself in a good mindset for my transfer. Trying to push my fears and concerns aside and adopt a very positive outlook.Right now I feel relaxed and positive that it will work but I also have not had to start my meds yet.So pray for me that I can stay in this relaxed positive state of mind.Well girls here we go again thank you for coming along for the ride. Love you all!

A decision made ...and it's back ordered

2011-06-30T02:54:00.003-04:00

Well I know it has been a while since I posted and partially it is because my appointment for my follow up appointment hit me harder than I expected it took.I actually came to tears sitting in the parking lot with hubby before we went in.But all in all in went well. The doctor too his time with us and tried to figure out what might have happened.He said one reason it might not have worked is that the embryos did not keep splitting after they were thawed. But that is not a positive answer to what happened. As he explained it that is not a guarantee to it working or not working but that is does show them that everything is basically fine with the embies if they can see them them continuing to divide. He said sometimes they don't keep dividing right after they thaw them but that doesn't mean they won't do so after they are transferred.He did look back in my chart as he was talking to us and said that out of the set that made Nanner 2 were continuing to divide after they thawed them. So anyways after talking with him and some careful consideration we have decided to proceed and transfer our last little one. My transfer is set up for August.I will be starting a long lupron cycle (3 weeks of shots) on the 16th of July.I have never done this type of cycle before.I will also be on estrace and progesterone.So here comes the tricky part due to a national lupro.n shortage my lupro.n is back ordered.So even though I ordered it there is no guarantee that my lupro.n will be here in time for my cycle.I am really hoping it will as I would like a smooth cycle this time. We are currently in crunch time for raising funds and have had two yard sales and been selling things through c.raigslist.I know I already said it to you personally but "Thank you" again to those of you who contributed to our chip in, you have no idea how much that meant to us and I will never forget your kindness.We currently need to raise less than $900 to move forward with this FET.I am hoping we get there before the FET gets here.I did create a separate blog for Faceboo.k fundraising if anyone wants to share it as I do not share this blog on FB and hope that everyone understands that.I just like my privacy and place where I can be really honest with you all when I need to without worrying that family or friends will read it all.Anyways girls that is the update for now, I hope you all are well. Hugs to you all...

Follow up appointment today, where to go from here and how to get there

2011-06-14T01:18:00.007-04:00

Today is my follow up appointment to discuss where we go from here.This should have been my first u/s appointment :-( I never went in to get my second beta drawn as it was too painful emotionally. I called the RE's and asked if I really had to since I already had a heavy period on the day I was supposed to go. They said they understood and since I already had a period that I did not have to.They also said it is a normal request after a negative first beta.I know that I have not blogged in quite a while, I just have not known what to say.I feel like I am stuck and cannot move forward with a FET with our 1 little embie as the funds are just not there since we had the non responsive cycle and then this failed transfer.Also we have no infertility coverage so it all is out of pocket consults, meds, u/s's, mock transfer, sono, FET's and blood work. All of it. If I fail at something I like to try again. Not being able to try again is unbelievably frustrating and painful.After talking with our donor coordinator on the phone DH and I have discussed what we want to do and what is the best thing to do right now.We are scared that with having one embie it's a long shot and big financial chance to take since it may not make the thaw.I would have gone through medicines and monitoring just to have nothing to transfer at the end.Also transferring just one does not have as high of a chance of a pregnancy. We have decided that the best next step is to get on the donor embryo list so that we can be matched while we are working towards our next transfer.We will still transfer our 1 little embie but maybe we will be matched by the time we can afford our next transfer so if it doesn't make the thaw we can still have a transfer. Unfortunately getting on the list is not cheap either.To make matters worse we found out that the donor embie program is facing another price increase as of July 1st. So that makes me more worried that it will be further out of reach.It is $2,025 just to get on the list to get matched etc.It covers the case fees etc but nothing towards transfer.But if we are paid by July 1st we will be grandfathered in at the lower prices.I know it's a long shot but my best friend in the whole wide world and I were talking and thought it may be a long shot but that I should put a chip in widget on my blog.I did tell her that I did have a donate button on here last year but had no donations so I really don't think it will work.So I have gone back and forth on it in my head as I feel like people think bad of you when you have one up.But let's face it ladies I am desperate and sad so really it can't make things any worse right? So I will be adding the widget and hoping to raise enough money to get on the list. We are also having a yard sale next weekend. But don't have a ton to sell. I am hoping we can at least make a couple hundred if we are lucky at it.I don't want anyone to feel pressured to help but I guess I won't know if anyone wants to unless I make it an option.Just know that you all mean a lot to me even if can't help.Your encouraging words and kind comments are always appreciated.

Stuck on sad

2011-05-29T02:40:00.005-04:00

This has affected me more than I thought it would. I rehearsed in my head before we started all of this how I would feel if it didn't work I thought I would be "okay" but I never really anticipapted how emotionally devastated I would be.I am struggling and failing to not cry. I can't and don't have any drive to do my normal routine.The bare minimum is being done.This has brought back all of my emotional pain from my miscarriages.I hadn't realized that it was just under the surface waiting to be exposed.I didn't know it would consume me like it has.I think part of my hopelessness is that fact that we have 1 embryo left just 1.What if we go through a cycle and it does not make the thaw?? Besides that between our stim cycle that was cancelled and this one we can not afford to move forward in any way. I am paralyzed not only with grief but financially. I so want to just move forward and transfer our last embie but the finances are just not there. We have next to nothing left of the money we had in our baby fund.And our insurance won't touch any of it.We would like to get back on the donor embie list but that is so expensive.I just feel stuck like I am sinking and can doing nothing to pull my self up.Looking for a life line.....

Negative Beta.......

2011-05-27T15:23:00.001-04:00

I am sad and angry.Sorry I just don't have any thing else to say.

Beta is today

2011-05-27T04:13:00.002-04:00

I will go have my beta drawn in about 4 hours (8:30AM) yes I know I should be sleeping but I just can't. I can't shake this cloud I am under...

Losing hope....POAS

2011-05-25T12:08:00.004-04:00

So I caved against my better judgement and POAS yesterday and today, both times it was a very,very BFN.I took the test 8dp3dt and 9dp3dt, I am losing hope and feeling discouraged.Beta is in 2 days on friday, not feeling very optimistic.With nanner I got a positive on 9dp3dt."sigh"

Feeling so low and sick to my stomach with stress, I wanna cry or get angry and scream.Or maybe I will just crawl under the covers and hide..

Our transfer day with pics! And today is our 3 year anniversary!

2011-05-24T11:00:00.003-04:00

The day of our transfer was a beautiful morning.We got up at 7AM and left the house by 7:30AM.We arrived at our RE's office 10 minutes before 8:30 AM which was the time I was told to be there so we could be ready for our 9AM transfer.I was wearing my panties that I purchased months before for our transfer and we had our special post transfer snacks with us.

Our post transfer snowflake themed snacks,we had snowflake oreos with our last FET too.

My snowflake panties purchased for transfer day :-)

Beautiful day for our transfer!

Us on our way to the RE's

Me before going inside

After getting ready and remembering all of you!

Getting ready in the transfer room, I look a bit nervous :-)

Ultrasound started

Our transfer as it occurs (thems babies in there :-)

Being wheeled out afterwards

A note to our babies

Our beautiful babies!

Showing some love

Proud daddy!

Enjoying our cookies

Our note to our babies

The transfer went very smoothly.I was happy and surprised when they said both made the thaw and that we still had one frozen. The prayers worked girls! After having to stay there for an hour after transfer we were allowed to leave. I emptied my very uncomfortable bladder got dressed and we were on our way. We stopped by the same panera to grab food to go just like last time. We even ordered the same meals as last time and that part wasn't even on purpose lol.I ate in the car with my seat reclined and my feet on the dash :-) Just like last time. And then we tackled the hour drive home.I then began my bed rest which was hard to do when you feel like you should be doing things around the house. DH took 2 days off to be with me for the transfer and bed rest.Nanner was really struggling with why momma couldn't pick him up. He cried a lot. I had DH hand to me but he really wanted me up playing with him and carrying him around on my hip like I usually do. I am still on lifting restrictions (10 lbs) but that has been hard to adhere to since Nanner weighs 26 pounds. I only lift him from his crib and into it. I have him walk and hold his hand when I want to bring in his room for nap. DH does all of the lifting after he gets home from work.So there you have it finally an update. Sorry it has taken so long but I have been kinda struggling in the TWW. I didn't think it would get to me but it has.It has been hard to not think about the possibility of being PG again.At the same time I am scared to get my hopes up.I go from being sad, happy, stressed, excited and numb.I will most likely POAS but am unsure of when I will.Since I did not have to do a trigger shot there should not be a chance of a false BFP right? And now for the information that I know all of you were hoping to read and of course it is the last part of my post and that is my beta is on friday the 27th.So only about 3 days away! In other news our 3 year wedding anniversary is today the 24th! Well I guess that is it for now, take care girls. ((hugs)) Thank you for all your supportive comments on my last post.

Our update

2011-05-16T15:25:00.002-04:00

They both survived the thaw and one remains frozen. The transfer went great and I am now on my strict bed rest.Thank you so much for all of the encouragements and prayers they mean so much.I will post a complete update including pictures soon. God bless you all!

Tommorow is the day!!!

2011-05-15T22:23:00.006-04:00

My transfer is set for 9am tomorrow but I have to be there at 8:30am.Please pray for us that we don't lose any embies in the thaw,that we will have a smooth transfer and a positive outcome at beta time.I am not really nervous right now but maybe I will be tomorrow, until I take the valium that is lol.I have been trying to have less stress and it seems to be working.I went and saw bridesmaids last night with a friend and laughed so hard that I cried and and screamed with laughter. It has to be one of the funniest movies I have seen in a very long time. I seriously did not want it to end and was disappointed when it did. It was a great girls night out movie and highly recommend it if you are not too sensitive to language and dirty jokes and comments etc in movies.For some it may be offensive but it's not as bad as most comedies that are aimed at men.Well girls this is it, tomorrow will be here before I know it.Babies mommy and daddy are coming to get you, we love you already.

Counting down 2 days to go

2011-05-13T16:11:00.002-04:00

Only 2 days stand between me and our FET.I am supposed to get a call tomorrow with the time.I started my progesterone today and decreased my estrace as directed.I have been busy getting things done around here since I will be on 48 hours strict bed rest after. We are going to pick up some groceries etc tonight. I am getting more excited as it gets closer but also nervous.We had a nice getaway last weekend with the boys. We stayed at a hotel that is just over an hour away that has an indoor pool and water slide. The boys loved it and we had a wonderful family trip. We also went for a long walk at the state park there.It was short and sweet but hubby had to work on Saturday so we couldn't leave until that afternoon.We plan to go again. I will be posting pics when I get a chance.The week before we also celebrated my middle sons 6 birthday by going to crazy bounce which is a place with inflatables. We all had a blast. I will post pics of that too.I have been trying to do things that I otherwise would not be able to if I had my FET on time. That has been my way of seeing the bright side of things. I was able to go down the water slide with my boys and crawl and bounce with them at the bounce place it was great. It also took my mind off our canceled FET.Hope you are all doing well!

My appointment yesterday and an update!

2011-05-10T16:27:00.008-04:00

I had my u/s appointment yesterday and it went well.They said they like your lining to be at least a 8 at that point and my was 7.8. Which my u/s was done before my higher daily dose of estrace had a chance to kick in as I took it before I left for my appointment.They said it was fine and have no concerns that it will continue to get thicker.While she was doing my u/s she checked my ovaries and the right was quiet like they wanted but my left still had the follies from before but as a surprise to all of us it had a good sized follie in it.It was measuring 15mm and they are considered ready at 18-20mm. They were surprised that it had done that considering I had stopped the stims and was not responding to them before.At first the nurse said it may complicate my cycle and change things.But after she came back from talking to the doctor she said that he said it was no problem because the follie would be ready close to transfer so it would not affect things.So here I am with a real date for my FET,it is officially less than a week away.DH asked me if I was excited as we were walking out of the RE's office and I am but it feels a bit unreal after all the hang ups.I am now done with monitoring and will continue my estrace and will be adding in progesterone on the 13th.On the 14th I start my medrol and tetracycline while also continuing my estrace.My transfer date is set for Monday the 16th.They are calling me on the 14th with the actual time for my transfer.I also wanted to answer the question that some of you have asked about me stimming to make a follie before,I am going to link back to the explanation that I posted before so I don't have to type it all again.I thank you for your concern and questions. I love getting questions from all of you and love that you take the time to comment it means a lot to me. :-) I did ask the nurse about why they chose the stimming over the estrace cycle and she said they are one of the only offices that do that and that studies have shown them to be equally effective.She didn't get too much deeper into it than that.Here's the link to my previous post (previous stimming follie post) On a totally different subject I so need to post some pics and catch you all up on what we have been up to that is non fertility related.I will try to get to that soon.:-)

Where we go from here...and question for all of you

2011-05-05T13:24:00.005-04:00

Sorry I have not posted sooner but I have been digesting our cancellation and some of the other things that go with it. Let me try to catch everyone up on what's going on. First and foremost I have to say with all of the stuff that has been happening in this cycle with my RE's office etc that this has been such a stressful cycle. If you have read my previous posts then you know that there has been more than a few hang ups and I thought that was all of them until I went in to see my RE on April 26th.The appointment started out bad with them not being able to draw blood from me,they had 2 people try and couldn't get any. So they had me move on to my u/s portion of my appointment just to find out that I had not been responding to the stim meds at all.Ugh! So then the nurse said that she needed to show my results to the doctor in order to get a new dose for the stims etc.She then promised to call me and said she would FOR SURE call me this afternoon.So we left and waited for the call. It started getting later but I know that they sometimes call after hours so I didn't sweat it too bad until it got to be 4:30pm and there was no call.At that point I tried calling the office and the phones were off and said they were closed.I still held out hope that they would be calling as I have gotten calls after 5pm before but no later than 5:15.So I thought just maybe they were just busy calling other patients and would be calling shortly. Well my shot was due at 6pm so as it got to be 5pm and there was no call I was anxious to say the least. We ended up calling their emergency number and had the answering service contact the doctor we let them know what was going on and when my shot was due etc and they said they would pass the message on to the doctor. So we waited and waited, 6pm came and went no call and then 6:30pm still no call. We didn't get a return call until 7pm.At which the point the doctor who obviously did not have my chart seemed semi annoyed that he was disturbed for this. He then said based on what I said he would up my dose temporarily.I was then told I should call the office between 1pm-2pm the next day to get further instructions.So I did do so the next day. I must say though there was no a real tone of apology after he found out that I had not be called back with instructions just kind of well it shouldn't happen but sometimes it does. And he went on to say they literally make 100's of phone calls a day and it is a lot for the nurses to keep up with. I felt like it was just explained away.I felt forgotten..Either way I did up my dose for the three days as instructed and I then went to my Friday appointment on the 29th of April.At that appointment they were going to see if I had made any progress on the higher dose. I had been informed by the nurse when I called them the day after they forgot me that I was looking at a possible cancellation if I did not respond as needed by that Friday. But she did say that may try a different route and I would have to wait and see the doctor on Friday.When I got there I asked them not to draw my blood until after my u/s as it would be a waste of money if the cycle could just be canceled anyways. They let me wait to have it drawn and I was glad I did as the u/s showed no change at all. After 9 days of stims Nada.(no real increase in the size of my follies and very thin lining) I find it so confusing that what worked last time had no effect on me at all. Simply crazy! So then they had us sit down with the doctor (not our doctor it was his partner) He seemed very concerned and understanding. He took the time to answer all my questions.I have seen him before actually most of this cycle and he did my mock/sono from before and my u/s that day.I have seen him more than my doc. I didn't use to care for him that much but I have to say that he has grown on me and that he seems more on top of things than my current doc.Maybe he can do the transfer if I ask the office??? Don't get me wrong my current RE is very nice but almost too nice to the point of being condescending.Sometimes he comes off kinda fake and very rushed, he used to be more genuine acting and took time with you, that is what drew me to him and his office originally. Also he is still building his practice larger and sometimes I feel like in doing so the office has lost that closeness and support it used to offer.I just think he is spread to thin and they have gotten too big.Anyway as we sat there with the other RE he explained that we would be switching meds and would still be using this cycle. They have decided to put me on an estrace only cycle.They are trying to build up my lining.The pros of doing this are we don't have to completely wait for a new cycle but I do have to be on it for 18 days which really is about as long as waiting for a my next cycle.Another pro no more shots for now.Also it is very cheap and available on most stores $4.00 RX lists.Yet another good thing about it is we know exactly when our FET will be, provided this works. It will be on the 16th of May.Which does make it a bit easier for planning purposes etc.I have to go back in on the 9th for a u/s and b/w to see if it is working so please pray for me that it is. I have to admit that I am a bit nervous and scared that this will not work as this is not the protocol that we used when we were successful.The Re did say that they use this one too and it works but the other is more natural.So I guess my question to all you that have done an FET or know someone who has were they successful doing the estrace only protocol?? I am trying to let go and think THIS WILL WORK but all the issues I had in my previous cycle make that hard.When I did talk to the nurse the day after they forgot me she did say stress could play a large factor in whether someone responds or responds well to meds.But that other factors are unknown. Well if they didn't want me to be stressed then maybe they should stop stressing me out,just a thought. ;-p There have been more issues then I have posted about but I just didn't feel like posting about them when the happened because I was really trying to let them go. In hindsight maybe I should have as it would have gotten them out and maybe made me feel better.One issue I had was realizing my favorite nurse from last time had become a product of her office. She became less caring, less personal and a bit snippy at times.We were almost like friends before (chatting on the phone for the sake of chatting after hours,she even left a note for me on transfer day since she was not working that day,I have given her cards, candy etc just because she was so supportive then) but I see two years have changed her.That made me sad :-( well girls I think that is about it for now, I will know more on Monday after my appointment.

And the result is....

2011-04-30T01:53:00.002-04:00

Cancelled, I will post some more about what happened and what our plan will be next but tonight I am tired and feeling pretty ill from coming off those meds. Queezy, headaches and just plain yuckiness.

In 9 hours I find out if our cycle is cancelled...

2011-04-29T00:15:00.002-04:00

I haven't blogged much as I have a lot going on but I will sum it up for now by saying that I have an appointment in 9 hours and that is when we will find out if this cycle will be cancelled. I was told I have a 50% chance of this happening. :-( I will post the full story later along will some other stuff that happened.

Needle dilemma ,appt update and approx FET date

2011-04-23T01:50:00.003-04:00

Well I had my first U/S on Tuesday and it went well. No cysts or any other concerns. I also was able to get a med/cycle chart which has been so much nicer.Thank you those of you who commented on your concern that I should talk to the office and get things straightened out, which I did.I actually called the office on my way there to my appointment(it's about an hour drive) and asked if they would be able to have a chart ready for me and also discussed my concerns.While my concerns were indeed heard they were also kinda of explained away. The nurse did apologize that I didn't have my med chart sooner etc but also said she thinks what happened it that they do not have anyone else on a lupron flare and that is not a normal protocol used so the other nurses must have not really registered that I would need my meds sooner and need my med chart sooner. They were treating me like a normal patient that could wait until after their first u/s forgetting that I start stimming before my first u/s Either way I am set now. At least I thought I was until today we were going to do my lupron flare shot and I unrolled the roll of needles and I realized that there was NO WAY I was going to have enough to get me through until my next u/s and now we hit a holiday weekend. UGH! The specialty pharmacy apparently only sends 14 needles with that particular med and I use it twice a day. I have already been on it since last Monday and my next Appointment was not until Tuesday.I will be on it until my HCG trigger shot so I really have no idea how many needles I will end up using.More than 14 though...So I called the specialty pharmacy and they said they could send me more needles and of course charge me to do so, really? really?? But they couldn't get them to me until Tuesday afternoon due to the weekend. I was like umm that would be about 3 shots too late, even though I had just told her I needed it by Monday.I know it isn't completely their fault as my office had no instructions on the meds and I didn't know how many needles to expect it to come with it when it arrived as I did not have my med chart so I could not even estimate how many I needed.So I started to try to think of ways to get needles...Do I know any diabetics? Anyone in the medical field?? Can I reuse a needle, how bad would be really?? Sad,sad,sad. Not how I thought I would spend my Friday.In case anyone out there doesn't know you can not just buy needles at a pharmacy you have to have a prescription, so my options were limited. I ended up calling my RE's office even though I figured they would be closed (due to Good Friday) I got the nurses voicemail and to my surprise she indeed called me back I asked her to call me in a script locally for needles and she did, 5 days more worth.Not sure if that will be enough but for now it gets me through until I get in for my appointment on Tuesday.I go in for a u/s and a blood draw.So I am hoping for good news.Last time I only had to stim long enough to get me to that first u/s and bloodwork and I was ready to go.About 6 days total. But I am scared this time that will different.I am currently on day 4 of follistim and day 6 of luprolide. A total of 3 shots daily except today I got an extra poke of follistim because DH forget to up the dose and we had to add it in a another shot."sigh" I am on CD 8. When I went to my appointment on Tuesday they estimated that if everything went as planned I would have an approximate FET date of April 30th. But of course that is approximate.Anyways I am not even going to ask can it get any worse as far as things going wrong because I know it can. I am trying to not let it get to me.Maybe it all will make a great story to tell our baby someday on hard it was to get ready to go bring them home.So next on my plate is Easter day, we have a small gathering at my mom's that day and no one knows we are going through this but we will have at least 1 possibly 2 shots that we will have to do. Any ideas how to pull that off. I have DH do them as I just cannot for the life of me bring myself to stab myself, I know I am a wimp but there is just something about shoving a sharp piece of metal in my own skin that makes me flinch.So if we both disappear into the bathroom are people going to have hokey thoughts? lol Will they assume we are having a disagreement? :-) I don't know I just hate having to hide this it sucks. And how in the world do I smuggle a cooler into Easter with out looking like a drunk?? :-) lol Well girls It's time for my shot 3am so I need to go and then I can go to bed.Take care everyone and Happy Easter!

AF arrived, 2 lupron shots down and an appt today

2011-04-19T02:43:00.004-04:00

Let me just start out by saying it has been the most unorganized cycle I have ever had. The office never sent me a med/cycle/plan calender so I am kinda just piecing info together.UGH Well AF arrived on Saturday so that was officially CD 1 so here we go! Previous to this my only instructions I had received from the office was to call when my AF arrived.Well it arrived on Saturday and they are closed so I couldn't call. But I did call call today. When I called I did not get a real person cause I never do and left a message. I had a phone call returned about 2 hours later.On the call the nurse very casually asked me if I had indeed started my lupron this morning , I was like um no I had no idea I was even supposed to.I told her I don't even have a med schedule. So there goes shot number 1 down the drain.Apparently I was supposed to start them on CD 3 which would have been today but they have to be 12 hours apart so it was to late by the time she called back because she wanted the other given at a specific time. I am just thinking it would have been WONDERFUL if some one had bothered to go over my meds and mailed a plan to me with doses.(as my lupron was not even marked with it,it said ask doctor) Needless to say my day has been craptasic. But I am trying to pull it out of feeling like that and separate the experience from the goal, but my fear it the people/experience could compromise the goal.I feel like they never even considered "what if she gets her AF on the weekend?" Had no plans etc.At least they did not have me prepared for it. The greatest kicker of all of it was the nurse seemed a little concerned to whether I even had my meds yet and for good reason, she or whomever the last nurse I talked to had told me to tell the mail order pharmacy that I needed them by the 20th.Lucky for me I am not a sit around wait to get this done kinda girl so I pressed them for a week to fix things and told them I needed them by the 14th and 15th because I felt better knowing they were here.So they arrived only 3-4 days before I needed them. If I had listened to the nurse I would have no meds right now and no lupron to even do my shots.This whole experience has been a let down this time it's like they just are less personal or don't care like they used to.I start my follistim on the 19th and am going for my baseline u/s today in the afternoon.I am so sorry everyone for seeming so down lately I know it will pass but I just am frustrated and feeling negative and blue when in reality I should be feeling so excited. I need to work on that or find a way to change it.Anyways hugs to you all. It is just past 3 am and due to our funky schedule DH is just about to give me another shot.Before he leaves for work gulp! Yay shots! not really :-(

Getting closer

2011-04-12T23:11:00.005-04:00

Wow it has been a while since I last posted and I was seriously going to try to not let that happen but here I am.So let's catch up I took my last BCP today TA DA gone.Now I wait for AF let's hope she is not as tardy as last time.I am to call the RE office when she arrives and inform them of my start day and we go from there. I begin stimming on CD day 5.Last time I only required 5 days of stims so hopefully I respond the same.If and this is a big if AF arrives on time and I respond to my meds like I did last time then my tentative FET date will be somewhere around April 27th-29th. Unfortunately this would also place my beta on or right by Mother's Day an aspect that I am not so crazy about but, hey what do you do?? I mean it could be great news but if it's not then well it be kind of a downer. I am sure I do not have to explain.So remember when I said I ordered my meds well it has taken until tonight at 6pm to get it all straightened outIt has also taken about 10 phone calls over the last week.Crazy! Seriously! So finally now they should be shipped out tomorrow.One item is supposed to arrive tomorrow we will see if it does and the rest is due to arrive on Thursday.For some reason my case being was passed back and forth at the mail order specialty pharmacy.They could only fill part of my order at one location,(Texas) and the rest will come from ann arbor in my own state.After phone tag on different days, my case waiting for assignment, them breaking up the order, and then after we thought it was complete and we were reviewing it finding out the RE forgot to call something in and having to wait for that to be added we are finally done Sheesh! So even after all the comments I received on how many to transfer I still was struggling with what to do.There were a few reasons. I thought I had my mind made up after we left the initial consult ( Transfer 3), but then a nurse I know was very opinionated with me on what she thought(2),I was given info through the same nurse on was the embryologist thought(2), so I then asked for more info on the embryo grades that the donors had used when they got PG and the previous couple before as I wanted to compare grades and then I had a nurse present this info to a doctor (it's was the other RE) along with our info he said he felt that our chances of multiples were less than the first doc intially stated (back at 3). Oy! I had never been so confused in my life.I was really struggling with all of this on Sunday night I really was not sure about transferring 3 but was scared to only transfer 2.I really was starting to lean towards transferring only 2 when I got a call the next day from the RE's office it was the nurse. She was calling to tell me that they (my RE and the embryologist) had their review of my case since my transfer was coming up and have decided that only 2 will be transferred. I can not tell you the feeling of relief that passed through my body to not have to make that decision any more.But I just really wish that would have been the answer I got weeks ago when I first asked at our consult so I would not have been stressing this whole time.Either way it is done. So true how God knows just what you need and when you need it.He knew this decision was to big for my heart and he made it for me what a loving father, taking care of his daughter.All of this uncertainty has been part of the reason I have not blogged much as I just could not get into a good calm mental place but now I am finally get there AWWWW relief :) So we are looking at about 2 weeks girls, I am sure it will be here before we know it. I am nervous and scared and excited all in one. This time has been harder and more lonely as we are not telling anyone like before so even though I have a very small support system to begin with, it's even smaller with me not telling hardly anyone. I have only told about 3 people and 1 was completely necessary as they will be watching the boys during transfer.My family does not know and would most likely say something that would upset me or stress me out so this seems to be the wisest move.Plus it is very hard having many people know and ask if it worked afterwards and hounding you for when are you going to take a PG test. So while this does make a very lonely time and make me feel dishonest I am trying to learn from last time and all of these things are stuff I experienced.Well girls I guess that is it for now but I will try harder to blog more. God bless you all!

Ordered meds and the answer to the follie question

2011-04-07T02:07:00.003-04:00

I ordered my meds today and am currently on bcp pill 11. That means I have 6 more to go. I wanted to answer of couple of you that had questions regarding why they want me to produce a follicle if I am using donor embryos. :-) So here goes.They want me to produce at least 1 follicle because at my clinic they are trying to replicate the natural cycle that a women's body would go through if she got PG on her own.I know at some clinics others are given transfer dates ahead of time and they know when they will be having their FET. Well because of the way my clinic does it,I do not. They go by my body and cycle and what all monitoring tells them. They decide when to transfer after I have responded to stims enough to make a 1 good follie and after my lining is looking good etc. I kinda liken it to double dutch jump rope they are waiting, watching and ready to jump in to action. Ready for that moment when my body would have ovulated and they time that with the transfer so that my body indeed thinks that the embies trying to implant are not just there by accident but that I ovulated and created them therefore my body now needs to get busy taking care of them and nurturing them ;-)This is the same protocol as last time so and is just the way they do things. Doesn't make any other RE's way wrong just is what my clinic likes to do and finds works for them.Any more questions please feel free to ask :-) I love hearing from all of you.

Mock and sono update along with a tenative plan

2011-03-29T23:14:00.007-04:00

I had my mock transfer and sono today. They both went well but again were painful as I have a very difficult cervix.I was told everything looked good and that it went smoothly. He did tell me something that I was not aware of and that was that my cervix had torn during childbirth. I find it a tad bit annoying that no one EVER mentioned that to me.It would have been nice to know.And it also explains some of the intense pain I experienced for so long after I gave birth. Long after everyone kept saying that it shouldn't hurt that much still. I chalked it up to everyone is an individual and recovery time is different and that I had torn and had stitches sooo...But the pain I felt was not surface pain it was deep inside so NOW I know why.I am hoping that this in no way will affect me carrying a baby to term. My RE didn't seem overly concerned so I am guessing it will be okay. Just saying it would have been nice if someone felt the need to tell me.I probably should not be sharing this but while I was talking to him about the lack of knowledge about my torn cervix I mentioned that I had a horrible birth experience (My birth experience post part 1), part 2, part 3 and that the rotten resident doctor that delivered nanner was the one who never told me about it.I told him a bit about my experience and he said "wow, who did you have?" I then told him the name. He said "ohhhh...." I detected sympathy and a look of knowing came across his face. I then said you must know him and he said "yes he spent a month with us here,I normally don't say anything about other doctors but he is a doofus" He went on to tell me that the man had switched careers midlife and decided that he no longer wanted to be an engineer and decided at the of age late 40's to go into medicine.(lucky me) Unfortunately he was a much better engineer then doctor and he should have probably stayed one. You would think finding this all out would really upset me but hearing a doctor that I respect call him a doofus gave me some closure that I really, really needed.I always had that nagging feeling that all the stuff I felt about that guy was in my head and that maybe DH was just agreeing with me to make me happy.(Hey it happens) But to hear that someone else had the exact same opinion of him ,maybe not quite as bad as me since I actually gave birth with this man,but it healed my heart and gave me the peace and courage that if I get PG again that it doesn't have to be that bad as what are the chances that I will get an engineer to deliver my baby again right???? Not to mention I asked my doctor if he was still around and he said to the best of his knowledge he is now back in Utah where he came from.(So sorry for you girls in Utah) So moving on I am on day day 3 of BCP's and they are giving me horrible headaches and making me nauseous everyday since I started taking them. Has anyone else experienced this on them. I am hoping it will pass. I am on lo seasonique.

My meds that I will have to get for this cycle are or am currently using are

BCPS-Taking currently and will continue for 17 days total, I have 14 left to go.

Valium-Took today for mock and sono and will get a another RX for the FET

Tetracycline-Took today for mock and sono and will get another RX for the FET

Follistim- Have not purchased yet, this is started about CD 5 of my next period and continued until they get at least one good follie.

Lupron -Have not purchased yet,this was used last time to help keep things quiet as I tend to get ovarian cysts.I believe it was given for a few days before follistim was started last time.

HCG trigger shot- Have not purchased yet, this is given about 4 days before FET

Medrol-Have not purchased yet, this is taken 2 days before FET

Progesterone/prometrium-Have not purchased yet, this I will start 2 days before the FET and continue until my beta or until 11 weeks PG

I did use estrogen last time but they have discontinued it as part of their protocol after studies have shown there was no effect in increased pregnancy outcomes.So no estrogen this time.

I am bit scared to see how much the meds come to (we don't have IF coverage)I am hoping they have come down in price in the last year and a half or so.Hey a girl can dream can't she :-) We turned in the rest of our paperwork today and now the mock and sono are completed.I am on day 3 soo to be day 4 of BCP's and that is where I am at. Now we wait for my next AF.I can't believe I am really doing this, I am scared and exciting all in one.

Finally!

2011-03-26T01:53:00.004-04:00

So AF arrived friday morning (CD 43) with quite a bang.While I am glad she came finally I am not digging how bad she is acting. The pain is no fun at all.I called the Re's and told them and I am now scheduled for my mock/sono on Tuesday the 29th of march next week. I also am supposed to start my BCP's this Sunday. Apparently AF came just late enough but too early for us to use this cycle for "the" cycle so my transfer will be with my next period. The nurse did say I could shorten the BCP's and only take them for 17 days in order to shorten things up a bit if I want.So there you have it here I go... P.s Thank you Marilyn for the AF rain dance you did for me lol I think it worked!! Your too funny girl but atleast you made me laugh and that was what I needed:-)

An update on things

2011-03-21T22:38:00.003-04:00

So still no AF, yup really no AF.I have no idea where in the world she is.And yes I have taken 2 HPT's spaced 4 days apart.So no chance of a surprise, but I never really thought that was a possibility anyways. So at first I was thinking AF being late was a bad thing since it would delay my transfer and make it so I would not make my April goal for a transfer. But if she isn't too much later it could be a good thing.See they were not using this cycle for my transfer anyways only for my mock and sono.But after I talked to the nurse she said that if my AF gets here late but obviously not too late we can use it for my transfer. Which would move my transfer up from late April/early may to early/mid April.So I am trying to see this as a good thing. It also means that I do not have to take BCP's.They were going to use those to control my cycle before.I am currently on CD 40. I am normally a 27 to 28 cycle girl so this is crazy.I think the longest I have had between is 42 days and that was after I had Nanner and several months ago. I have not recently lost anymore weight, started exercising etc.I have even stopped really thinking about it hoping that would help.That is why I haven't blogged until now.We did have our required counseling appointment last week and that went good.We turned in all but one of our paper works as it got left at home but they said it was fine to bring it to our sono/ mock and have them witness it then.In other updates my oldest "G" turned eight last week I can't believe how big he is getting.Time moves so fast.Nanner is talking up a storm and running like crazy.He is big on using his manners lately.And my middle son "A" who is 5 soon to be 6 warms my heart with his ever growing thoughtfulness. Well girls that is where I am for now, kinda in the middle of nowhere.So I guess I will getting going so I can hurry up and wait some more :-)

For the woman who contacted me

2011-03-02T11:35:00.004-05:00

I received an email recently from a woman looking to talk with me about embryo adoption who said she was referred to me by a friend, I am hoping that she will read this as I am completely unable to find her email.I have been using a wireless connection and it has been sketchy lately and been dropping frequently.During one of these drops I think your email got lost after I had already opened it to read it. I now can not find it all. I am not sure what happened to it. I did get remote assistance from my computer guy and maybe he accidentally lost it while cleaning out and restoring some stuff while I was having troubles. Either way I am very anxious to get back to you and hoping that you resend it.I just wanted to let you know I have not forgotten you.

Estimated FET

2011-03-01T00:53:00.004-05:00

I called my RE's office on Friday and the lady that schedules the FET's was out so I had to leave a message. She called me back today and I officially paid the deposit ($275.00) to get on the schedule and hold a place for my FET. It is tentatively going to be in late April.At least that is what the lady was guessing by the date of my last AF so we will see.So now all we do is wait.I am supposed to call them the first day of my next AF so we can schedule my mock and sono. So here I go girls this is really happening.... :-)

My consult today, what do you think? Updated at bottom

2011-02-21T16:15:00.006-05:00

I had my consult today and I asked all the questions I needed to ask, I think? :-) I have been kinda of out of it due to being sick.We got dumped on by a bunch of snow last night, 7-8 inches so it made the travel to our RE a bit more difficult today. It is normally about 40-45 minutes in good weather but it took us over an hour.We discussed the quality of the embryos,which all three are even better than the ones that created Nanner, but we know that quality isn't everything.Timing,your body and God have a lot to do with it too.So I know that there is no guarantees this will work.I did ask how many he recommends we transfer and he said at least 2 and that the 3rd was up to us if we were willing to accept the chance of multiples.DH and I have been discussing this and this where some of our thoughts are on this.I am going to try to give you girls the facts so that you can help weigh in and tell me what you think we should do.

-RE says risks for multiples is low if we put in all three but none the less it is a risk he said it is 5-10% for triplets and 10-20% for twins

-We could lose embryos in the thaw therefore making this a non issue but we need to know what we want ahead of time

-RE made a point to say that we transferred 3 last time and only ended up with 1 baby and said that is pretty typical for a frozen transfer

-We know that we are pretty sure that this is it for us this year that we can not afford to do another transfer if this does not work, so the 1 remaining embryo could be sitting there frozen for another year or more

-But if it does work the 1 remaing embryo could still be sitting there for a year or more

-If we do not transfer all 3 embies that will leave us with 1 embie in storage (and hefty storage fees to pay), that may or may not make the thaw next time and may or may not become a baby.But it most certainly does not give us much to work with in the event of trying again.Even if we were able to afford to get on the list and matched again our clinic does not mix embies (which I am glad for since it allows me to know which profile belongs to the baby I may be carrying) which means we would have to try with one embie total providing it made the thaw, before we could proceed with new embies.(wow I am hearing $$$)

-I once read that for each embie transferred you have about a 30% chance of becoming pregnant so it would stand to reason that with 3 your chance is good.So that works out to 90% chance respectively.

-Our current embies are not blasts they are a 4 cell grade 1,a 2 cell grade 1 and a 3 cell grade 2+ (our previous set that made Nanner was a 7 cell grade 2,a 4 cell grade 2 and a 6 cell grade 3, He said the grade 3 embie was pretty bad but you never know that could be the one that made Nanner :-) Our current set is higher quality than our previous. I know different clinics have different rating systems, I guess grade 1 is the highest and and a 2+ is about equal to a 1 it's like getting a B+ in school almost an A but not quite. Both sets of embies were and are sets of three.

-There is a chance that this won't even work and this is all for nothing :-( I know I shouldn't think like that,but really we could put all 3 in and none take that's the reality.

-This set is not a genetic set to the one that made Nanner so you can not compare outcome except that I was able to carry a pregnancy finally....

-Here is the background on the previous parents and recipient:
Set began as 10,
Genetic parents transferred 1 =one live birth
First recipient transferred 2 =low positive preg test no live birth
First recipient transferred 3 =2 babies live birth for both
1 embryo was lost in thawing process by one of the previous parents
3 left in storage for us :-)

So there you have some of the facts I am not sure if I have left anything out that would help you to help me make a decision if I have and anyone has any questions please let me know.DH said he is ultimately ok with transferring all 3 but it is my body and and I have the final say.I just want to do the right thing and I also am scared that I will make the wrong decision and it won't work.Now as far as time frame goes for when we might do this cause I know you are all wondering that :-) The RE said we could do as early as a April or May transfer if we get on the schedule.So I am thinking that over as I didn't think I would do another transfer in April but now I am reconsidering it (Marilyn tell Tim thanks for that one lol).So here we are digesting our appointment today and deciding where to go from here.I am going to be keeping closer track of what is spent this time total for when people email and ask me so that I can tell them.We do not have fertility coverage so ours may be higher than some but it will give an idea for those of you just beginning this journey.Today's visit just to talk to the doctor $189.00 out of pocket.Ouch! But what you gonna do? :-) Well that's it for now girls thank you for your well wishes for me and Nanner they are greatly appreciated, ((hugs)) to you all...

Update -To answer your question Tammy yes they are all in separate straws:-)

-Our office said that multicells tend to make the thaw better than blasts due to their lesser stage of development.

-Also all 3 of our previous embryos from Nanners set made the thaw.

-It was thought by my OBGYN that I was PG with twins but it got missed until I had my bleed/SCH at 9 weeks 1 day (there is an entry in blog about it) at which time I lost one so it is possible that 2 initially took.But no one will ever know for sure.

-I/we are not scared of twins/multiples per se just of complications during PG and to the babies.

-I have so LOVED hearing from all of you it has been wonderful to get your input all of you are WONDERFUL!!! Thank you so much it so appreciated! I sat and read all of your comments to DH :-)

Our consult for our next FET is here

2011-02-21T00:32:00.003-05:00

Seems like I just made the appointment and was worried how far off it was and now it is here.I am excited however I am so sick so it dampens the mood a bit.I did write down my questions so my feverish brain doesn't forget what I wanted to know :-) My appointment is at 9:40 am Monday and I will be updating on here as soon as I am able.I will be discussing the quality of our embies,how many they think we should transfer,approx time frame for our FET and basically where we go from here to name a few things.So there it is for now girls I will update when I know more.

And the winner of the monitor is.....

2011-02-19T16:07:00.006-05:00

Nanner drew the winning name today out of his cement mixer truck :-) Even though he is under the weather. The poor little guy came down yesterday with vomiting,diarrhea and has been running a fever.At it's highest today it was 101.4 but he didn't let that stop him from his official duty of picking the winner. But that will explain why he was less than smiles on the video.He still had fun doing it and continued drawing them all and putting back over and over again after we were all done lol Watch the video below for the winner,have a wonderful Saturday everyone!

My clear plan/clear blue fertility monitor giveaway is still going on

2011-02-15T23:39:00.004-05:00

I have decided not to draw a name until Saturday February 19th due to multiple people being interested and requests still coming in.And I want to give anyone who may not have heard about it a chance to get in on it.So there you have it an official name drawing date. I will have "Nanner" draw the name because at 14 months he is as random as they come these days. Lets just hope he doesn't eat it before I can read it. LOL. So if anyone else is interested please leave a comment and a way to contact you if it doesn't link back to your blog or leave me a personal email if you would rather, my email is on my blog. My email is on the right hand side if you scroll down a little bit plus it is in my blogger profile.Take care girls :-)

Could anyone out there use this?? I am giving it away :-)

2011-02-12T15:43:00.005-05:00

I have been in a clean out mood lately. And I came acrossed my clear plan/clear blue fertility monitor.I of course used this with no luck as my issues were so much larger than this little device could help me with.But I did spend a good chunk of change on it and really hate to see it go to waste just sitting around.I will never ever use it or need it again so it seems silly to hold on it.It is the same as the clear blue monitor they just changed the name on them about hmmm maybe 4-5 years ago. It works great! My body just doesn't :-( So if one of my readers thinks they may be able to give it a good home please let me know.As I am giving it away for free. You can either email me or leave me a comment. If I get more than one request for it I will be drawing a name.This is a link to a an old post in which it is pictured. You can buy replacement test sticks for it at drug.storecom, amaz.on,e.bay and a few other places you just have to search online.The monitor has already been cleaned and wiped down with alcohol just for your peace of mind :-P Hugs to my girls, love hearing from you and have been looking back at old posts and comments remembering some of you that I haven't heard from in FOREVER!! MISS YOU!!

Consult appointment for next FET is scheduled

2011-02-04T23:03:00.009-05:00

Well I called my RE's office this week and made my consultation appointment.I could hardly believe it when they said they were scheduled out a month just to get in for a consult.So I took first available which was a month out.I ended up having to call the office back later that day for something I forgot to ask and got lucky as there was a cancellation so I got in 1 week earlier.Thank goodness for forgetting to ask questions the first time around :-)So my consult appointment is set for February 21st at 9:40 AM. We will be discussing our game plan and what we need to do to get the ball rolling in order to proceed with our next transfer.I did find out that they had yet another price increase.Ouch!!Just since last summer when I called.They have had a few since we got matched in December 2008.Just to give you an idea the price to get matched for our first was $800.00 ( year 2008) that does not include monitoring,labs, ultrasounds, meds,or transfer it is just the matching fee.It then went up to $1,800 (2009) and I was informed it again went up just this past summer to $2,225(2010).They have not had their price increase for 2011 yet but I am told it usually happens in the summer. Umm... ok, no pressure here...So we are hoping to get in before things go up yet again.Because the price increases did not just affect the matching fees it affects all the fees including mock transfers,hysto sono,(which I am due for both of those)u/s's,transfers etc. All fee's. While we don't necessarily need to get matched again, we do have three embies waiting for us.There is the fear that what if it doesn't work,they make the thaw etc. We will be discussing what the RE feels we should do when we go.He will be able to tell us if he believes we need additional set as he can discuss the quality of our remaining embryos with us at that time.I know that we pretty much have only one shot at this in 2011 unless a miracle happens.So if our set doesn't make it and we have paid out all our money on meds monitoring etc.There will not be enough to for everything next time.So then we are through for 2011. Which will be heartbreaking.Plus we know we want more kids so it might not be a horrible idea (if we can afford to) to get on the list before it goes up again. Gulp! So there you have it girls thats the latest.I will also leave you with some photos of my cuties.

Learning young what Michigan winters are all about lol Believe or not they beg to shovel, yeah I have no idea.... lol

My oldest son "G" and his first night in his new big boy bed, just moved out of his toddler bed.

Nanner and his very first subway kids pack, He loved it!

Me with my baby boys on my birthday.

Our homeschool project peanut butter pinecone bird feeders

Guess who's walking completely unassisted and very steadily.

Thank you so much fellow blogger Melissa for the award

2011-01-20T11:19:00.013-05:00

I received this award from a fellow sweet blogger Melissa,thank you so much and I always enjoy hearing from you!

Here are the rules for the acceptance of the award:

1.Thank and link back to the person who awarded you the award.

2.Share 7 things about yourself.

3.Award 15 other bloggers.

4.Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award.

Hmmm 7 things about me....ok here they are in all there quirkiness :-)

1.I sometimes get slightly annoyed when I sneeze multiple times and it almost always annoys me if I do it while driving as it causes my eyes to close and well I kinda like to see where I am going :-P ( I know your laughing already)

2.I love turkey jerky and beef jerky

3.I love giraffes, to the point where my boys own several pieces of clothing and toys that have them on them and I have a few decor and pictures around my home of them (they were taken by me and my mom on separate trips at different zoo's and enlarged):-)And I have turned nanner into a monkey fanatic.

4.I love love love music and love to dance but don't get to do so as much as I like to :-(

5.I love the color pink ,I mean adore it. I have no exact idea why but I it makes me feel good.It may be because I am surrounded by all boys and all I ever see is blue???? lol

6.I am afraid of snakes yup sure am, I have what I like to think is a very healthy dose of fear as I saw a neighbor when I was in my 1st marriage at the age of 18 get bit over and over and over by her "pet" large ball python snake while her boyfriend was helpless to stop it and could not get the snake to uncoil from her arm. The whole incident was unprovoked and happened very suddenly. So yup the whole bloody episode has scarred me for life and I very happy to keep my fear and am not looking to change it thank you!

7.I long for more family.I long to have a more involved mother, sister, brother etc.(my father died when I was a young teen)I am not jealous of what people have/own but of the family and relationships they have as I do not have that in my life.(hubby's family still is not on speaking terms with him/us so we don't have them either)I just wish I had that type of "family" to give to my boys but they just don't have any aunts and uncles, grandparents etc to make over them and take them for visits.I see my mom and sister and her family for holidays and maybe a couple of other times a year and that is it. I also wish I had it for me. What girl doesn't want a mother she can see as her best friend, I sure wish I had that...

Here are the bloggers I am passing this award on to:

Dana

Jess

Tammy

Michele

Tiffany

Kami

Melissa

Paige

Nichole

Ashley

Heather

Britney

Jen

Elizabeth

Hannah

It's my birthday! I'm turning umm 25 again :-)

2011-01-10T04:10:00.015-05:00

Me at my birthday dinner

Daddy and Nanner at my birthday dinner

The boys at my birthday dinner

Brotherly love at my birthday dinner

Today is my birthday ,my 34th shhh it's a secret ;-) but we went out to dinner on Saturday to the Outback as that is one of my favorite restaurants and I don't have it much as the nearest one is about 35-40 minutes away. Actually the last time I was there was last year on my birthday lol.Not that we don't get to the city it is in much but we usually go for lighter food most days.Panera bread :-) also my favorite! Outback is a splurge for me since I have been trying to lose my fertility med weight and pregnancy weight. And I am happy to report that I have lost all but 2 pounds of it. I will be posting before and after pics on here.Let me know what you all think. I know one thing I sure as heck feel better.The total of weight lost since last February 23rd is 56 pounds.The grand total lost since I gave birth last December 15th is a whopping 73 POUNDS!!! I feel so different and much better in my own skin.I am now 2 pounds away from my wedding weight which who knows I might weigh less but since AF is here I may be weighing a bit more right now. I usually have water weight during her visit.Anyways we had a very nice meal it was delicious and we had a good time.It was me ,DH, my three boys and my older two boy's dad. Yup you read that right my ex.lol We have that good of a relationship. I know weird but it works and it was his weekend to have the boys so I invited him to join us so we would all be together.In other news I received an award from a fellow blogger and will be addressing that in my next post. Thank you so much Melissa at Frog hoppin daisy's.Now I will be sharing the before and after shots with you all so here they are.Hope everyone is doing well.((hugs))

Me about a week before I gave birth at my heaviest.

I was so miserable in my own skin this is last year on my birthday exactly one year ago today!

Me last February before I started my diet,this was taken while nanner was in the hospital with RSV. I hated having my picture taken back then and the mere sight of the photos made me cry.

Me on this past Saturday January 8th celebrating my birthday early,not minding my picture taken as much! Kinda hard to tell with all the layers I have on but the weight is gone! Michigan is C-O-L-D Girls!!!

Feeling sentimental and fear (with slideshow)

2011-01-09T01:58:00.007-05:00

Now that my Nanner is officially 1 year old I find myself getting more and more sentimental.I am in awe of the new things he is doing like talking and walking (yes walking sniff, sniff I will be posting video later)He started officially (distances of about 2-3 feet in length) the day after he turned one.But I also find myself a bit sad and missing my tiny baby boy.I have been trying to soak up every moment of his infanthood but that can be hard with three boys.I feel like I blinked and he is a toddler. I guess when you spend years praying and longing for something you just want it to go slower. I know that it doesn't mean I am losing him I just know that as with my older boys that his need for me is short lived and will be replaced with independence which I encourage.But boy does momma love all her baby boys. :-) With him growing up,time passing, and my 34th Birthday approaching this Monday January 10th it is time to think about the next FET which I think it also allows the fear of IF to raise it's ugly head and for me to wonder about my "next baby". Will it work? Will I stay pregnant? Will I have complications again? Will I lose another baby? If I do stay pregnant will the baby be okay? I know the fear is probably normal but infertility really is like a nagging house guest that never ever leaves.... So in honor of Nanner turning one I dug out the old slide show that I made when he was newborn. I took all of these pics myself when he was 4 weeks old.The slide show is set to music and the song has a meaning so turn your speakers on if possible.The song is the one by Celin*e Dio*n that was written for her son after she struggled with infertilty.The slides last the entire song until you see the the blocks that say 1 month again. I know some of you already saw this back when he was a month but I know some new bloggers haven't and also thought you might like to remember how tiny he was with me :-) Enjoy! ((hugs))

Computer is fixed the reading has begun!

2011-01-07T01:07:00.002-05:00

In a previous post I had mentioned that I have been unable to read many of your blogs and that I have been way behind in my blog reading.Well my computer is fixed along with my wireless internet.I got it back and everything fixed just before Christmas so I have been trying to catch up as best as I can after months of not reading. I am so happy for those of you that are pregnant and so excited for those of you that have an upcoming FET etc.I am also saddened to see those that are still struggling to concieve or have lost a baby,my heart breaks for you girls and I am still here for you and am hoping and praying that this will be the year that you get your miracle and that God brings you comfort and strength. Wrapping you in huge warm hugs -Megan

Merry Christmas! (pictures of my gifts)

2010-12-26T04:15:00.006-05:00

I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas!! I just thought I would share with everyone a picture of my gifts from God! He always gives the best presents!

Nanner's first birthday!! with pics part one

2010-12-14T23:16:00.011-05:00

I can't believe that my baby boy is 1 already! We had his party on sunday even though his birthday is not until today. His party went really well. It was a small gathering of those closest to us.He has a wonderful day and received some wonderful presents.He ate his entire personal cake I made for him and was covered with it but loved it!I also made him a monkey cake and a baby nanner cake.I made all his cakes up and didn't use a pattern or instructions I was a bit scared how they would turn out but I was pleased.I literally made up the baby nanner cake 2 hours before guests arrived.I thought when else can I make a cake that looks like him? So the baby nanner cake was born :-)I have more pics I want to share but I have been using a pretty old computer of mine right which makes things really slow.My normal dell is off getting fixed finally!!!I am having it completely stripped down and re programmed EEK! I am scared to see what I get back.And if I will lose everything.He was supposed to back it all up but there are no guarantees.The plus side is I am finally able to read some of your blogs again and search some web sites.I will try to post more tomorrow or very soon. Hugs to my girls... P.s Believe it or not he left the first birthday hat on for the entire party, we even put it back on after cake and he left it on.It fell off a few times when he was crawling around and he still didn't care if we put it back on on I was amazed. He usually rips hats right off. :-)

Separate blog

2010-12-09T11:53:00.002-05:00

I have decided that I will be creating a separate blog in order to share what's going on in my life. It will not be connected to this blog in any way nor will I link it at all. When it is up and running I will let all of you know and will ask that those that are interested please email me personally. My email is on my blog and I will send you the new blog address. There will be no pics and no names used on my new blog it will simply serve as a way for me to share with all of you what is and has been going on. Plus it may help me feel a bit better to get it out, who knows.I do ask that you do not mention any of what is going on in that blog in this blog or on facebook.Comment moderation is enabled on this blog and will be on that blog too. And as far as facebook goes if I have to I will delete you.Sorry no offense but what may be gossip to others is actually the pain of my life and it hurts.It is my hope that anyone who does choose to follow will do so with respect and kindness and will be there to encourage,listen and lift me up not beat me down as I do not need that right now.If all goes well then the blog will remain public if not it will go private.

The plan for now

2010-11-29T23:01:00.004-05:00

First I want to say Thank you so much for all your kind words of support and prayers.You have no idea how much they mean to me.I had no idea there were still so many of you were even still following me but am humbled at the outpouring of love I received.I have been doing a ton of thinking and I am going to try to stick it out for now in the public forum as I am not sure about changing things.I still may go private later, I will give a heads up of I do.( I really don't like change that well) I also have watched others go private and lose touch with everyone and and I really don't want that. I may consider somewhere down the road when the time it right doing some password protected posts and just have readers email for the password.I am still struggling with putting everything out there you know. I have watched other bloggers do that and saw what happened to them. They had family and friends stumble upon their blogs and dealt with the backlash, dealt with nasty comments,and in general kinda put themselves out there to be scrutinized.I am a private person of sorts and also a protective person of my children so I feel as of now I shall say nothing. I do want you my dear readers to know that my children are all well and happy and that it has nothing to do with them.I am still struggling inside to whether and when to share as I know you wonderful women are such a source of strength and inspiration and I know if anyone can help me through this it is all of YOU! To Jen I am sorry I have not called you back yet I just haven't been in a place to talk. I am so sorry but thank you so much for thinking of me, it meant a lot! I do want to atleast leave you with some cute and current pics of the boys ok so semi current they are from Halloween.Mason was a monkey of course and Gavin and Ayden were dinosaurs.

Devastated and going private

2010-11-15T13:19:00.003-05:00

Due to new circumstances in my world and it being recently being turned upside I might be making my blog private. Which will allow me to share with those of you I know the best what is happening in my world. I am struggling right now and wish I could share but just don't think I want to share with the whole world.These new happenings are the reason I haven't been around much also I have not been able to read some of your blogs for some time as I get a operation aborted message from my computer and it won't open a few of them.(Kami your blog is one of them)I have been having computer troubles and need to get it fixed but trust me that is the least of my worries...... Miss you all

Digging out of a huge mess....... FET Postponed... and guess what? We are homeschoolers

2010-10-07T23:26:00.010-04:00

Sorry I have been so MIA lately but life seems to have just taken over. I made a huge decision this year which has added more to my plate and that is to home school my children. I had so much trouble with the school my oldest was in last year and there were so many cutbacks (phys ed,music, art etc) that it seemed that all the extras were gone.My oldest son is also special needs and his needs were not being met.I am not sure if I have ever disclosed that he was special needs before with all of you but I may choose to open that area of my life in the near future.I was actually already in the process of making the decision to home school while he was finishing his year last year. So when it came time for my middle son to start school this year and for my oldest to return we didn't. We began home school.So far it is going really good. My boys tell me all the time that they really like school.We created a school room with desks and everything for them.My oldest never told me without being prompted that he liked school last year.This year he says it unprompted all the time.I enjoy teaching them and it ensures that I spend quality time with them everyday.We even have field trips planned.Which the whole family will be attending,no more missing out for me, Bryan or their baby brother.One reason we also decided to home school was some of the behavior that was already being picked up from other children. It shocks me what other people let their kids say, watch, and do.Even in kindergarten! Trust me you would be shocked.What happened to childhood innocence? Now that my oldest is no longer around any of that he doesn't say or do anything that he had picked up. Thank goodness!

Another reason I have been missing is we had a storm a couple weeks ago that took down a huge tree and created a huge mess and expense for us.We have been cleaning up ourselves I have pictures on face book (just click on the highlighted "huge mess" and "cleaning up ourselves" if you want to see me weilding a chainsaw lol, please ignore how bummy I look I was dog sick and beat tired and dirty from working for hours, it will take you to the pics)Let me know if the link doesn't work.It damaged our little above ground pool,kids swing set, all our lounge chairs, two different areas of fencing, our new bricks around our fire pit and pool net.It hit absolutely everything it could hit.Except our house it barely missed it grazed it.It actually left a mark on the window where it swiped acrossed my oldest sons window. EEK! The power went out while the baby was crawling around the living room and it was already dark out and he couldn't see so he started screaming. We had just put the older boys to bed and my oldest sons nightlight had gone out because the power went out so he starting getting upset. We went in there to comfort him after locating a flashlight and then CRASH!!! We looked out and there it was, the huge tree and a horrible mess. Either way it has meant some draw backs for us in the next FET transfer department since all extra funds have been tied up in repairs, tools and clean up.This makes me sad but really there isn't much I can do about it. I already found a new OBGYN and and have a upcoming appointment with her to get established( I did not want to use my last one again after my horrible experience)I keep hoping that maybe we will be able to do something by November or December.But as of right now it is postponed indefinitely:-( I hope you are all well. ((hugs))

I won a Top Blog award along with a few other fellow bloggers

2010-09-23T22:07:00.006-04:00

I received an email stating that I had won an award. I went to view it along with the other chosen bloggers.I also looked at the group that was awarding it and their criteria.It is so nice to be chosen and I feel blessed to have received this. Thank you so much guys you made my day!! :-)

Here is the email I received I copied most of it I left out most of the links and some of the personal phone number info etc but you get the jist.

Dear AngelWingsBaby,

Congratulations! Sarah here, and your blog, Our Miracle Baby, Created
Through the Selfless Blessing of a Donor Embryo!, was determined to be one
of the best blogs to exude overall brilliance. And so, it has received our
2010 Top 10 Embryo Adoption Blogs award presented by Medical Billing and
Coding!
You can see your name amongst our winners here at:
www.medicalbillingandcoding.org/top_embryo_adoption/#Our_Miracle_Baby_Creat
ed_Through_the_Selfless_Blessing_of_a_Donor_Embryo

Winners were chosen through a scoring system that included Internet
nominations, which came from your reader base!
You can let your readers know you won by embedding the badge code to one of
the different awards graphics found at:

If you choose to accept or decline the award, please let me know.
Please do not hesitate to call or email if you have any questions.

Again, Congratulations, and I hope to see your badge soon!

Cheers,
Sarah Johns
Bloggingawards.org

Where has the time gone, 9 months already!!

2010-09-17T00:09:00.019-04:00

Mason 8 1/2 months just before our final swim for the season

8 months 1 week enjoying swinging outside with his brothers,it was his first time in his big boy swing. He loved it!

This is Nanner at 8 months playing with his favorite toy! We received this from Michele during our online baby shower.He loves it! Plays with it everyday :-)Thank you again Michele.

All of my boys on one of our many walks,we all love to go for walks and enjoy being outside.Nanner is 8 months here.

Of course long stroller rides are so exhausting lol

Nanner boy is 9 months now and I can hardly believe it, it seems like just yesterday he was born. He had his 9 month appointment yesterday and it went well.He has met all of the milestones for his age. I just want him to slow down a bit he is becoming a toddler before my very eyes.Since it has been a while since I did a catch up on baby boy I will do so in a bullet form.

-He is now 19 pounds 2 ounces , 28 1/2 inches long

-He crawls super fast now on all fours , no more slithering or military crawling and when he knows your coming to get him he crawls even quicker and laughs hoping you can't catch him :-)lol

-Began self feeding with small bits of food, has already been holding own bottle since about 3 months

-He can sit up all by himself(unsupported,get up and back down etc) and actually has been doing this since about 7 3/4 months

-He sits up on his knees a lot lately lol for some reason, looks very much like a big boy while doing it

-He eats like crazy! Haven't found anything he doesn't like or won't eat.

-He says ba ba (bottle),ma ma, and da (calls daddy da).Specifically when he wants those things. He babbles several other words too but so far these are the only ones that we are positive that he says when he wants the item he is talking about.

-He now has 3 and a half teeth they are all front teeth and he looks like a cute chipmunk. :-)

-He pulls himself up on everything! And has just begun a small amount furniture cruising and letting go for brief periods of time and standing before he drops to his bottom.

-He loves to be outdoors and loves the water!

So there you have my peanut in a nutshell :-) When I was at the doctors yesterday I saw a lady there with her new baby boy it sure made me think back to when Nanner was tiny and also to what may or may not lie ahead for our family.I actually have quite a bit to blog about but never seem to be able to find the time.I am guilty of checking and using face .book more frequently since it is quicker,I know shame on me.But if anyone else is on there feel free to look me up or email me for the link.I will get some 9 month pics of baby boy on here as soon as possible I definitely need to take some before he gets even bigger :-P.I am still here girls I still read and I try to comment as much as possible.I sure do miss all of you though :-(

Are we being heard?

2010-09-10T00:42:00.004-04:00

I have been in several more conversations lately.They have been of various sources such as phone, in person and online and before all this I was spending most of my time with my direct family.Meaning my DH and children.Partially due to our hectic schedule that we are still trying to master and also well due to the fact that I just didn't have that many family or friends in my daily life.Lately though a few have resurfaced and have been calling, computer messaging and/or also coming around a bit.Now when you spend time with each other, relate and talk there is a flow of conversation that usually happens and what I have noticed is that there has been a shift in this world to not stop and really listen to each other.I mean really listen.I spent the first part of at least 3 conversations last week on the phone just listening and saying uh huh,and unable to get a word in edgewise for over 25 minutes. It was like a advanced session of double dutch jump rope that I had no chance of making it into.Which in some instances is ok and completely necessary like a break up or other crisis.(I mean, what are friends and family for?) But when it is just them going on about themselves and not really asking about you or truly engaging you in conversation,you have to ask yourself. Are we being heard??? I mean are they calling to hear themselves talk about themselves? Yes I know we are all guilty of that one sometimes.But maybe we shouldn't be so much. Maybe we need to re-relate to one another s-l-o-w down and really hear each other.I think with all the hectic schedules,gadgets and drama that this world has to offer we have forgotten to really be with each other when we are together. I think people are already thinking of what they are going to say next while the person they are supposed to being listening to is talking. While to an extent that is normal obviously conversation does evoke a response from the listener I have noticed more and more it isn't as though they are responding more like they can't wait to talk more about themselves.I have also noticed that we are all guilty of multi tasking.Not giving our full attention to someone when they are talking to us through any medium. Whether it be online, phone or in person. I know I have been guilty of this myself. You know the story, your messaging and then you leave them hanging to look at something else online or talk to someone else without telling them. Problem is you never know if "you" are all they are up to so they have to wait and wait and wait on you.I have also noticed that there those ,which I am sure that everyone has least experienced this once or quite possibly is an offender sorry :-P ,that just jump off messengers without a peep right in the middle of a conversation,no good bye, no gotta run etc. I think it is a bit impersonal to do that and just another way we are disconnecting from each other.Would you just hang up the phone on someone? Or turn your back and walk away during a conversation? Basically it is the same.I have also experienced the "over talker talkers" lately they seem to be numerous.They are the ones that even though you have started to say something they are in their own world so much that they A. Did not hear you or B.Do not care or C.Feel what they are about to say is much more interesting or important, and proceed to talk over you anyways making you repeat yourself wherever and whenever you can squeeze in what it was you were trying to say.Sometimes it can take up to 2-3 tries to get out what you were about to say or you just might give up depends on your resolve :-) So is this a sign of the times? Have good old fashioned conversations become college cram sessions? Even in "Our Bloggy world" some non listening takes place. I have seen people have a post about a situation that is very painful or something they are struggling with or even something not very serious at all but what remains the same is I have also seen comments that are so far off base that there was no way the commenter even completely read their post or paid attention if they did. For instance the poster may say "Help everyone I am so open to suggestions.I have tried A,B,and C and none have worked". Then I will see a comment that says have you tried B yet or maybe you should try A it always worked for me.What I am saying is while the commenter probably had very good intentions it has just become crystal clear to the poster that they were indeed not heard.Which in our bloggy world there can be a lot of pain,heartache and struggles so not being heard by just one more person can be hurtful since so many feel like the fertile world is not listening. So after going through all of this for a few weeks and I have been trying harder to be a better listener.And DH and I have been working on listening to each other more intently.I have enjoyed our conversations so much lately.We have made it a point to look at each other,making eye contact and participate in active listening.The benefits of this have been increased flirting and feeling more connected ;-) Go figure.So ask yourself are you listening??? :-)

Long overdue review on mederma stretch mark cream

2010-08-10T12:48:00.004-04:00

On a previous post a few months ago I announced that I was going to start using the mederma for stretch marks cream and that I was going to share my results with all of you.I started it on 3/16/10.I did use it faithfully (missing an application a day once in a while, but rarely)for about 6 weeks straight 2 times each day like it says.And I have to honestly say that I have seen results.The marks are way less purple/dark than they were.They were about 60% better in color if I had to put a percentage on it.They have shrunk in size too. I am sure some of this can be attributed to my weight loss.But honestly I don't think all of it since I was using the cream quite a while ago and that is when I was starting to see results.I was losing weight then too but had not lost very much at all at that point.My end point for the cream would have been approximately April 19th.The cream does say you can continue use it for even better results which I have not done but I have considered.I do have before pictures that I took on March 16 so I know exactly what my marks used to look like. I looked at them after the 6 weeks were up and so did hubby we both noticed a large difference at that point.Of course now my marks are even better due to time and weight loss (they are almost the same color as the surrounding skin now and have shrunk even more) but there was a large difference even then.I don't think I am brave enough to post before and after pics on here but trust me DH and I both saw the results.

So my honest opinion of this product is that yes it is a bit pricey but there seems to be decent discount coupons available (at least $4.00) for it since it is new (which I used one back In march when I bought mine)

The availability used to be more difficult but I have now seen it more places.Walgreens, target, CVS, etc.

The smell, well I guess that is a personal opinion thing, and well I didn't like it at all. I would much rather have a yummy smell like a coconut or fruity fun smell.This smells like bad public restroom air freshner. Hard to describe has a "sharp" scent.I disliked it so much and it seemed to dry my hands out that I put plastic baggies over my hands before I applied it,the smell stays on hands even after washing them. (cheaper than gloves and I already had them in the house)

Results....I did indeed see results as I stated above.Would I buy again yes,am I hoping they change the scent heck yes! I am actually going to contact them to make a comment about it.

So in closing I will say that if you are looking for something that may give you results this is it. You might like the smell, I didn't. You can always were gloves or baggies to apply it (dried my hands out,plus the smell) Here is a link to a $4.00 coupon for you if you like. $4.00 coupon :-) There was also one inside the package I bought for my next purchase.

Fund raising to bring home our embie babies

2010-08-06T01:32:00.005-04:00

We are getting into crunch time for us and we are still falling short of our needed funds to bring our embie babies home. We had three goals in order to do so. They are and were the following:

1.DH needed to be hired in at his temp job (Done!)

2.I wanted to at least get to my prepregnancy weight before trying again but also wanted to get to my wedding weight preferably. Almost done. Only 1 pound to pregnancy weight and 20 until wedding weight, I know I can get the rest off , I have been walking my butt off and given up ALL, I mean all junk food and bad snacking period :-P (just weighed myself this morning haven't updated my tickers yet

3.The funds have to be raised/saved to bring our precious embies home
(our goal has not been met yet) :-(

What is partially frustrating is that we are spending money to keep them there that we could be saving to bring them home (yeah I know it is impossible to do anything about, storage fees are inevitable and expensive)

We are going to have a yard sale this weekend in hopes of raising some funds towards bringing them home.If anyone has any other fund raising ideas they are more than welcome.Please remember though we are in a relatively small area so things don't always work the same here as they do in bigger areas.

I have also finally added a donate button to my blog.I noticed quite a few fellow bloggers also have them, I thought I would at least have it on there just in case someone felt drawn to help bring our embie babies home.

We were really hoping for a fall or early winter transfer. But I am not sure it is gonna happen at this rate. I have found in my research that my chances of experiencing PPD decrease dramatically if I do not give birth in the winter months, around holidays or have a bad birth experience ( we will be trying to do everything in our power to change that this time too).So if I conceive in the fall/ winter then I will not be giving birth during this time which is optimal. Of course there is the chance that this won't even work, or they won't make the thaw,or...don't even get me started. I still have the same doubts and fears as the first time. But for now my biggest fear and concern is how are we gonna get our babies home.....

Our trip and some updates with lots of pics

2010-07-23T00:35:00.008-04:00

I love this boy so much!

Sweet baby boy

Relaxing on the porch before dinner, we had hamburgers on the grill,yummy!

View of their very quiet non busy country road ahhh

Nanner and his buddy

After breakfast one morning pardon me looking a little shall we say just got up and not dressed yet lol

Nanner with his new friends, very hard to get three babies to look at a camera at the same time

Pictures of their cute little town

All of us together, our gracious hosts, they also have two other lovely daughters not seen in this photo 9 yrs and 16 yrs.My older boys were with their dad while we were gone as he was on shut down for work for a bit and wanted to spend time with them while he could.

Yup I am a bad blogger It has been forever since my last post. So I know I have so much to catch up on that I am way overwhelmed.First of all we had a wonderful trip to go meet a friend/fellow blogger in real life.They were so kind and generous and opened their home to us.They have a beautiful home and had a room all set up just for us.We had a really good time relaxing,chatting and spending time with them. We even played a Wii for the very first time in our lives,I know "gasp" hard to believe we are so out of the loop but we are. We went on a couple of walks with our babies (nanner loved playing with his new friends) and they showed us around their town. We didn't have much time to spend as most of our time was spent on the road (only 2 1/2 days)but that's ok as what was really important to me was I finally got a chance to meet my friend and her family in person :-). She has a lovely family and they were all very welcoming to us.I am not choosing to be overly identifying of her and her family as she is a bit more private than I am. So I am going to respect that so I will include a few pics but no names or links.I guess I will try to catch up on as much as possible using bullet form.

-Nanner is now 7 months old holy moly! 17 pounds 4 ounces 26 1/2 inches tall

-He is now crawling like crazy and eating us out of house and home lol we are starting him on a sippy cup, that is going umm so so, he also appears to be teething and seems to be in pain and more fussy from it this week,actually quite a bit more

-I have been mostly using facebook to post pics and updates lately, partially due to ease(you can upload a ton more pics at once so that is where I upload most of mine) so if you wanna friend me on there please just send your facebook name in an email(it's on my blog) and who you are blogwise and I will send you an friend invite

-Only 24 pounds to go until my goal weight and 5 until my prepregnancy weight (I am down more than 2 sizes in clothing)

-Hubby,the boys and I have been walking for at least an hour and half (usually more) about 3-4 times a week

-I haven't been on here much because of all the walking, swimming, yard work and time that we are trying to spend outdoors while the weather is good I promise I will be around more once it's gets colder ( I am in Michigan ya know :-) )

-I have been reading blogs still and trying to comment when time permits, but I am reading still

Well I guess that is about all I have time for right now I sure do miss hearing from you girls. I hope everyone is doing well.((hugs))

Destination chosen..

2010-07-01T04:36:00.002-04:00

North Carolina here we come!!! We are going to meet a fellow blogger.Actually her and I have been talking on the phone for months.We talk 2-3 times a week for hours.It's crazy but wonderful how much we are a like.I so wished she lived closer because we have so much in common.We will finally meet in person and so will our families this weekend. I am so excited! :-) DH made the final call on where we were going just yesterday. Thank you to all of you who extended an invitation to us to join you and your families.It was so nice to get your emails and comments with the invites.As you all know we don't have much family so it is so nice to be included!!
Michigan to North Carolina no small trip 13 hours and 45 minutes to be exact! (one way)I sure hope Nanner is up for the task :-)

Where to go?

2010-06-27T05:06:00.003-04:00

We just found out that DH has a 4 day weekend coming up because his work has a floating holiday and they decided to use it for the 4th. We have decided to take advantage and go somewhere but where? So here I sit on the internet searching the different travel sites looking for destinations that are drivable and planable on such a short notice and not a big budget.We may try to find somewhere in our state that we have never been before or not in a very long time or visit a nearby state not sure yet.I am so excited!! I love road trips no matter where they are to. :-) P.S Thank you for all of your kind and loving comments on my last post they truly touched my heart...

Dear Daddy in heaven

2010-06-20T03:03:00.001-04:00

Dear Daddy,
The last Father's Day I spent with you was one month before I lost you.I was just 16, I am now 33.I have missed you each Father's Day since and not a single day goes by that I don't wish you were here instead of in heaven. Daddy you have never met my children but I know that if you could that you would love them and they would love you too! It makes me sad to say that you have now been gone from my life longer than you were in it.So since I can't be with you to tell you how I feel and to celebrate like many others I will write you this letter and share it. I will share it for others to see who also have lost their dads and cannot spend fathers day with their fathers because you are always in our hearts. I love you daddy and miss you so very much! -your daughter Megan (aka potsie and pumpkin)

A post from the brighter side of things and happy 6 months Nanner boy

2010-06-14T12:57:00.008-04:00

I just want to thank all of you for your kind comments and support.Sometimes a girl just needs to vent.I sure wish that I lived closer to all of you wonderful girls.It also helped to know that there were others in a similar situation out there, not that I am happy that my fellow bloggers are lonely too but it's comforting to know that we do have that in common.So on a happier front around here as I promised that was coming well first and foremost I have lost 30 pounds since February 23rd(that's when I started dieting) which means I lost 30 pounds in just about 16 1/2 weeks and 47 pounds since I gave birth in December. I am officially 9 pounds away from my prepregnancy weight.Not that it was where I wanted to be but it is my first goal. By next goal is my wedding weight/prefertility med weight which is 28 pounds away. So as you can see I am over half way to my ultimate goal.I have until September to reach this goal and I hope I can.I was thinking august before but now September seems more reasonable.Dh was on 1st shift originally and then got put on 2nd for several weeks and now is back on 1st which allows us to all be out and active as a family so that is why the weight came off so much more quickly before and it seems to be picking up again. :-) Also I want to say Happy 6 months to my Nanner Baby!! I cannot believe he is 6 months already!!!Another good thing that happened recently is that my RE's office called the other day. It was our donor embryo coordinator and she wanted to know if I would be willing to call a patient of theirs and talk to her about the donor embryo process since I had been through it myself and the patient was really looking for someone who had experienced it. It felt so good to know that out of all of their patients (they have several success stories) she picked me.She said so many nice things to me about why she chose me and how she thought I could help it felt good to be trusted with one of their patients. She said she knew I was the just the right person to call as soon as the woman expressed an interest in speaking with someone and feeling like she was the only one going through this process. I had a very nice conversation with her I will call her "S" for her privacy and she further told me how many nice things the donor coordinator told her about me.Which I won't lie felt really good after a bad week :-) "S" had many of the same fears, questions and excitement that I had starting this process it was so nice to be able to be there for her.She is currently on our RE's list and is awaiting embies which the time frame can range dramatically for but I am so excited for her. I just know that she will have her match soon.I look forward to hearing from her and about her process as we we plan to keep in touch by phone.She lives about 3 1/2 hours from me.So there you have some better news from the home front. We are planning a walk as a family tonight and now we can eat dinner as a family again Yea!First shift is nicer but still as always a change in schedule takes some time for us to adjust to since DH has to be to work at 4am most days EEK! And 6am on normal days.Still eek!Well girls I should go for now but again thank you all so much for all the kind words and support. ((hugs)) P.s I was gonna post pics but blogger won't let me :-(

Loneliness makes you talk to strangers (WARNING I am sad and angry and may offend sorry in advance)

2010-06-10T01:28:00.007-04:00

I would not call me a particularly shy person but I am not a overly outgoing person. I guess it just depends on the situation.But my recent loneliness has driven me to new levels that I think even I am surprised at.Let me start my saying that DH and I have really no one else besides each other and the boys. No close family ( do I really need to explain his family again) and mine is very very small meaning deceased and spread out.All I really have left is a mother, sister and brother( my brother is not speaking to my mother and the rest of us by default).My father died when I was 15. My sister lives about 3 hours away and my brother again not speaking to anyone lives over an hour away.So here we are basically alone.I do have friends but they are all caught up in their own lives and families.And what DH and I have noticed is that for some reason me now having Nanner seems to have pushed a few more away. Not that I would trade him for them anyways but it is odd to me how people can decide to pull away just because you add a member to your family.See the strange thing here is that it's not like we were child free before Nanner so honestly what's one more? Really? I have to say when I noticed the largest pull away is right after I had him and I dare utter a few dreaded words and they were the following "I think I have the baby blues." Yes I was down.Yes I was reaching out.And they scattered like I was catchy.Actually if I had something like a stubbed toe I would have had a better shot at some compassion.Which I do find ironic since I have been there for ALL of them for all of their problems.I have gotten calls and all times of the day and night for everything from broken hearts (this one has happened the most), depression, job loss, marriage issues, infidelity,deaths/loss, health scares, good ole fashioned DRAMA,financial woes,family troubles and the list goes on. I have listened,cared, prayed and extended myself for them each and every time. Am I angry? Has it caught up to me? Yes! And Yes! I have now decided that the doctor is no longer in. No more advice no more free sessions. I am tired of being used tired of always giving and giving in very one sided relationships that I seem to be in.It has gotten to the point that no one calls UNLESS they want something.Not to spend time with me.Not to see me or my family.Not to chat to catch up and share small talk.Here is an example of a few calls from different friends lately if it weren't for these there would be none. Call #1 Did your mom open her pool yet? Call #2 We want to sell our extra TV you want to buy it? Call #3 My husband is still not being a good husband or father, I don't know what to do? (for the record this has been ongoing for 3 years he will never change and she will never listen,I give up)Do I seem bitter I guess I do.I am so tired of fake friends.People who say they are there for you and they are really not.The truth is they are there for themselves.They are there for what THEY can get out of the relationship and I have had enough. So when I am called for a issue someone is having I will have to politely excuse myself from the phone as I am no longer taken hours upon hours from my DH and boys to be there for people who are not there for me. Friendships are two sided and you have to give in order to get. I have taken way too much time from my immediate family to help others and I am done. My heart still stings and hurts from being left for months to cry alone daily while I was suffering from PPD.Did anyone come see me,chat with me on the phone or say lets grab a bite to eat, go for a walk, see a movie, go to the mall, offer to help with the baby or anything that would have been better than me just sitting here ruminating on my sadness. That's a big fat NADA!! Did I do those things for them when they had tough times? I think you know the answer.So because of my desire to have friends but lets say real ones I have decided to start shopping for new ones. (and no I am not divorcing my old ones) This is no small feat when you are 33 years old.Everyone has their best friends and their groups of friend they hang out in and it is so very hard to make new ones. I have no idea where to begin.Most would say our church but our church has next to no families with young children actually it has next to no people in general.It has been struggling to grow for quite a while now.So I will confess we have not been going as it no longer calls to us.We are overwhelmed at the prospect of looking for a new church but know that it has to be done.So yes I know that I need to start there for my quest for new friends I have no preference of if they are mommies or not.But I think childless people would not be drawn to us realistically.DH and I really would like a family similar in moral and values to share outings, picnic, zoo trips, double dates etc with.But feel like it is just a dream.Anyways so here comes the place where the title of my post makes sense. DH, Nanner and I were at Panera Bread yesterday and two ladies were in line together one clearly pregnant and also had a toddler boy who was about 18 months if I had to guess and the other one had a infant boy who was 9 months (this I know because she told me) The one with the 9 month old starting talking to me about Nanner asking how old,his name (which she loved!)she talked about how cute he was and asked what he was doing at this stage etc and making friendly small talk.It was nice.I mean really nice to talk to another woman and she didn't want anything from me just wanted to be friendly and talk about our babies and when she might consider having her next one etc.I was envious of their relationship I wished I had a girlfriend to go to lunch or dinner with and share chit chat with and laugh with.So after I had gotten up for something I stopped by their table I stopped and said "This is gonna sound weird but do guys have any ideas for meeting other mommies?" She was like"Oh hunny it's not weird at all and I really wish I could help but we're from Phoenix" She then went on to suggest church etc.She said she has heard that to be a common complaint and she always feels so bad for fellow mommies.She was very sweet.But yes it would be my luck that they would be from out of state.After Panera we headed to Kohls and while there I saw two women I went to high school from a distance ( no one I was close to in school) they were shopping away having their girl time.I stopped in my tracks for a moment and DH was like what's wrong and I told him who they were and they were close through all these years and I wish I had a girlfriend like that.(don't get me wrong I love my husband but I really need me some girl time living with all these boys)And yes I got teary.He did his best to comfort me and wiped them away and I tried to push it out of my mind.And before anyone mentions what about my mom I must say that she is not into hanging out in a girl way at all. She is older (67), set in her ways and not much into the whole grandma scene.She does love her grandchildren but she does not babysit,play with,help out with,visit with them.It may surprise a few of you to find out that she did not come to the hospital while I was in labor.Or come see me and help out with the baby while I was recovering at home after I gave birth or while I was struggling with PPD.She did pop into the hospital for about 15-20 minutes the day after we had him but that was it.My sister never showed up at all.Did I go see her after she gave birth, again you know the answer.My mom does her senior travelers trips, goes out to eat often along with a few other things that she does with only certain people.So now that I have that all explained maybe you all can see where I am coming from.It's a little place I like to call lonely avenue. I have to say ahead time that I have shared a lot in this post and please be polite that if you do not agree or feel like you can say anything nice please do not comment as I am depressed enough already.I have been feeling this way for awhile but have not been sharing with any of you but finally I felt like it might help me to do so.There have been some good things happening around here too but I will catch up on those next post I had to get this out first.

The boy in him is coming out already :-)

2010-06-04T20:54:00.003-04:00

Here is nanner blowing zerberts on my arm while I was at my laptop the other day.He totally caught me off guard since it was the very first time he has ever done it.At only 5 months he has already joined the ranks with the other boys in the household and is loving making the sounds boys love to make.I am the only girl in the whole house :-)Sorry for the shaky video but I was trying catch him in the act without him knowing since every time he would see the camera he would stop.Yes that is me in the background laughing my hinny off at him but I couldn't help it, it was just too cute. I know in a couple of years it won't be but for now it was adorable!

Happy 2 year wedding anniversary to the man I love

2010-05-24T03:38:00.012-04:00

Today is our 2 year wedding anniversary.Although we already celebrated it this weekend since it fell on a work day for DH.We decided that we would go to dinner at one of our favorite places Romanos Macaroni Grill which is an hour from where we live.They have awesome Italian food.It was my older two boys weekend with their daddy and we just ended up taking Nanner with us, since we didn't have a sitter.Which was just fine by us and felt right since last year at this time we were on bed rest after our bleeding scare and threatened miscarriage thinking we were gonna lose him. So having him there with us made it more of a celebration.We had a wonderful time.We went during the off time so it wouldn't be busy which was great! The two guy waiters were all talking to Nanner and asking about him, it was cute!.We even got our waiter to take our picture! Nanner really seemed to enjoy the sights and sounds! After we had dinner we stayed in Grand Rapids for a while to look for a couple of christian music cd's that DH wanted to get me, that I had been wanting for a while.After some light shopping and window shopping we headed towards home but decided to stop off in Grand haven and take a late walk instead.We walked and talked and reminisced. Grand Haven has always been special since it is where we used to walk a lot when we were first dating and it is also where 90% of our outdoor wedding pics were taken that you see on my blog page.The beach/pier ones in particular.All in all it was a wonderful night.It was just the way we would have done it low key.

This is one of our favorite places to eat!

Nanner joining us at the table.

The pic that Max our waiter took of all of us.(yes I seem to have a way of always asking people in public to take pics lol,if you remember the Panera bread pic from when I met with my blogger girls)

This is our little gnome all bundled up on our walk because we had a very,very cool Michigan night dare I say high 50's,plus we were next to the lake, just before a crazy hot 92 degree day the next day.Ahh only in Michigan!! (p.s. battynurse if you recognize the blanket it's cause it's the one you sent us and made, he loves it!Thank you again!, the printed side is down so it may be hard to tell, I didn't use your real name since I didn't know if you share it online or not)

Oh how do I love this man!

Our next baby

2010-05-11T17:38:00.007-04:00

While I was still pregnant DH and I had already decided that we wanted our children to be close together and that we would not wait too long between transfers so our next transfer would be sooner rather than later after nanner was born.We had decided a few months ago that we wanted to aim for an early fall transfer but that is tenative of course.So that is our plan. For those of you who I haven't shared this with on the phone already, now you know why I have been in such a hurry to lose weight.I want the old weight off before new weight comes on for a more comfortable, healthy pregnancy. I don't want to keep adding new weight and become so unhealthy that I cannot enjoy my children. So far the incentive of the next transfer is working as I have lost 26 pounds and am only 13 pounds from my prepregnancy weight.My goal weight however is my pre fertility med weight which is 32 pounds away. I do believe I can achieve it as I have lost 26 pounds in only about 2 1/2 months.I am almost half way there as of today!When we discussed the next transfer I decided that 2 goals needed to be met if we were to proceed and they were me getting my weight down ( my cholesterol was elevated for the first time in my entire life too) and also we wanted to wait and see if the temp job that DH has been working would hire him in(they have been very,very selective on who they have retained over the last few months).I am proud and excited to say that DH just called to to say that they gave him his hire in application/papers! While this is not his dream job or even close to what he was making before his layoff it is still a job with benefits and we are thankful to God above for it.It seems as though God is making everything come together for us once again.We are working on coming up with the money for the transfer and meds.I guess we could hope that the insurance that we get with this new job has some infertility coverage (doubtful since most don't cover infertility).We are planning on a couple yard sales with all the money being put into our "baby fund" we also save all our returnable soda can money and put that in there too.And of course we have been putting small amounts of money in there from DH's check as we can.I am hoping that God will help us achieve the goal we need to pay for the meds and the transfer as it seems as thought it is all starting to come together for the other two goals.As excited as I am about this next transfer I am also scared. I am scared it won't work, I am scared that we won't come up with the funds we need for the transfer and meds, I am scared that if it does work I may end up with complication like last time or worse.I guess these are all normal fears and I need to think positive that God will see me through like he did before.

A little post told by nanner

2010-04-29T21:25:00.022-04:00

It all started when this arrived in the mail. Mommy and daddy said it was for me and that it was from Auntie Tammy and Uncle Mark.I was so excited!! (Thank you again Auntie Tammy and Uncle Mark)

Mommy opened it for me cause I can't really do that part yet but I enjoyed watching her do it.Here is what was inside, two very cute outfits just for me! For no reason other than I am loved and missed.Isn't that so sweet.Aren't they the best Auntie and Uncle EVER!! One is a very cute sleeper that mommy says makes my blue eyes look amazing and the other is a long pant short sleeve outfit with MONKEYS!!!We love ourselves some monkeys in this house!

So before I know it I hear mommy talking about how she wants to put me in the new blue sleeper for bed tonight.Great idea mommy!!So mommy got me ready for my bath, I love taking baths.Here I am in the tub, don't worry mommy covered all the special parts up ;-)

After I got out I was thinking and something didn't seem quite right....

So I thought hard to try to figure out what it was that seemed "off".....

And then it hit me!!!!It was only 4:30pm and it wasn't even dark yet!!!

So I sat on the couch holding my "lovie" tight awaiting the dreaded goodnight tuck in hoping my mommy would forget to put me to bed. After all it was still light out and only late afternoon.

And then there she was....my mommy....but I didn't want to go to bed yet.

So I did the only thing I could do I hid behind my "lovie" and hoped she didn't notice me.

But mommy found me anyway.

And then the greatest thing happened.I could hardly believe my ears.

Mommy said it wasn't time for bed after all.She said she was just excited to try my new jammies on from Auntie Tammy and Uncle Mark and that I could stay up for the rest of the night until my normal bedtime.That made me happy!!Cause I love spending time with my mommy and daddy and my brothers too! So that made me so very very happy!

Or maybe it was gas......

Nope false alarm, happy it is!!!

Don't you love a story with a happy ending me too! So does "lovie"!

P.s.You didn't think I was gonna forget to flash my baby blues at you did you???

Love Nanner

Green beans bad! Peas good!

2010-04-21T22:29:00.004-04:00

Nanner eating his green beans before we knew they were "bad" :-(

Well apparently nanner might have an intolerance or slight allergy to green beans.Seems like an odd item to be sensitive to but signs point to yes.Green beans were the very first veggie we tried and after 2 days I had a very cranky,spit uppy, gassy, bloated baby.At that point in time I was unsure if he was gassy from all the crying or from the beans.He also started to seem insatiable which can be a sigh of a tummy ache.Babies often mistake tummy aches for hunger.He also developed a very slight diaper rash that had tiny dots of blood(EEK!)So after all that happened within ONLY 2 days I stopped the green beans completely.We have now been on peas for 2 days with no problems what so ever.And he seems to be back to himself now. I am gonna hold off on green beans until I talk to the doctor about his reaction, it is possible that he may be better able to tolerate them later.It really is to bad because the boy loved them.But they don't love him back. Oh well he loves him some peas too! Has anyone else found food sensitivities or allergies in their little ones? And if so what were they to and what were the symptoms??

Started solids and a year ago was a great day!

2010-04-15T14:11:00.006-04:00

We had nanners 4 month appointment yesterday he is officially 4 months old today I can hardly believe it!.He had his 4 month vaccinations and he is doing great.His weight is 13 pounds 8 ounces and he is 25 inches long.We were given the go ahead to start solids so we had rice cereal last night, which he loved! He dove right in. He actually dove at the spoon!Crazy boy!He ate his whole little bowl and didn't really spit much of out, it was insane.I couldn't believe my eyes,it was like he knew what he was doing lol.So we will continue cereals for a while then work our way to veggies then fruits.I always leave sweets for last.To this day my older boys love their veggies.Go figure ;-)My oldest loves plain lettuce,fresh broccoli and eats tomatoes like they are apples.My middle son can't get enough of carrots,tomatoes and cucumbers.In general though they love all veggies.So I am hoping nanner will follow in their footsteps.And today is also a very important day as it is 1 year ago today that I got my first positive beta with nanner.I can't believe it's been 1 year already.And here I am now a year later with a 4 month old, time sure passes quickly.
I am including a couple of pics of our first time eating cereal and a few I took this afternoon.I think his shirt is too cute!

Small trip...Huge experience!!!

2010-04-12T08:58:00.030-04:00

I have no idea where to begin but our trip to meet fellow bloggers Tammy and Kami was wonderful!The only negative was how short it was and that it went by so fast. I didn't want to leave them when it came time to say "goodbye".There was no awkwardness that you might expect when you first meet someone in person.It was as if I had known these girls for years.It was so comfortable being around other women who get it ,I mean really get it.Just between the three of us we shared the experiences of infertility,IVF,FET,endometriosis,donor embryos,IUI's,just to name a few as there was so much more.We all have tentatively talked about how we all have to get together on a regular basis and I sure hope that we all make that happen.It was a very uplifting experience for me and has only deepened my commitment to my blog and meeting and connecting with fellow bloggers who are walking and have walked this same path.Before I continue let's all stop to take a moment to say a prayer for Tammy and Mark that their little embies are snuggling in as we speak.She will blog about her transfer and her experience when she gets all settled in at home they should be back in Wisconsin today.

Our trip in pictures and and in a timeline...
We left home at 1:30pm after DH got home on Saturday from work and showered, grabbed our peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, loaded the car and hit the road.

Nanner's first road trip

About 30 minutes into our trip DH who said he was ok to drive started to dose off at the wheel (yikes!) so I made him pull over so I could take over.He had been up since 3am for work.Here he is only 10 minutes after I took over.

Our pit stop for a diaper change,bottle,stretch our legs,potty break and of course pictures.

After a arriving at our hotel, it is about a 3+ hour drive if you don't stop.
Our hotel, view from balcony etc, which I got a crazy deal on at expedia I had never used the site before but I was impressed with the results

Here are a couple of pics from Saturday night when we first met Tammy,Mark and her mom.Tammy and Nanner were the only ones in pics as everyone else was feeling a little tired and and camera shy.We had not yet met Kami we had plans for all of us to meet the next day on Sunday. DH and I stayed at a hotel only 6 minutes from Tammy and Mark so we were able to visit them and they were so nice and treated us to pizza at "their" place for dinner.(Thank you again)
Here's auntie Tammy and Nanner (yes we adopted her and Mark while we were there so we now have a new aunt and uncle in the family)

After leaving their hotel we wanted to take advantage of the indoor pool at our hotel and nanner loves the water at least at bath time he does, we had no idea what he would do in the pool.Boy he loved it!He splashed,kicked,cooed,squealed and laughed like crazy for an hour straight.He cried when we took him out.We had to as the pool was closing lol.I have some video that I will try to get on here later of it.

Our hotel at night

Nanner's first swim

Yup we had to take a pic of the poor chicken guy that we passed while we were driving to go meet up with Tammy and Kami the next day.

All three of us together for the first time

The baby line up Samantha,Mia,Mason

After meeting up at the hotel we then set out for Panera Bread a personal favorite of DH and mine (Kami's too!) and somewhere that Tammy and Mark and never been.While there we stayed and had a great meal that Mark and Tammy insisted on treating us all too(Thank you so much again! You really didn't have to do that) We all talked for hours passing babies from person to person.It was like a babies merry go round.lol The hours flew by and the babies all were on their very best non cranky behavior which made us mommies very, very glad!If you were an outsider looking in you would have thought it was a table of old friends not people who had just met.Or at least just met in person.We laughed, we shared, we made plans to do this all again and again.

I convinced the panera guy to take our picture all together he was not all that enthused but I didn't care it meant a lot to me.Tammy's mom is in this pic she is not in most of the others as she was taking them for all of us.(Thank you!)

After Panera bread we walked next door to the Carters outlet to look at the cute clothes and stretch our legs before our long drive home. Kami got some cute bibs for the girls and we checked out the cute monkey outfits.After that it was time for our goodbyes :-(

In closing I would like to say that one thing I did not share with anyone not even DH is the internal struggle I had about going on this trip.It is not for any of the reasons you might think.I debated on not going due to my weight.It is hard to want to meet new people and do new things when you are not feeling like you look your best. I am continuing to lose weight which is encouraging but I still do not feel like my old self weight wise. I have 38 more pounds to go before I get to my wedding weight/pre fertility med weight and 23 pounds until my pre-pregnancy weight.I am officially down 20 pounds. It was hard to put on a swim suit to take my son swimming but I am so glad I did.He had so much fun and we lucked out and had the whole pool to ourselves anyway.If I hadn't gone on this trip I would have missed out on meeting some of the nicest people I have ever met.I would have missed out on what has been one of the best experiences of my life.I would have missed out on seeing Tammy and Kami's smiling faces and meeting the twins.I would have missed out on seeing my son laugh and splash with glee in the pool. I would have missed out on a beautiful drive.I would have missed out on uninteruppted time spent with DH on the long drive home that gave us plenty of time to talk and catch up.I would have missed out on being there for a friend when she needed support from someone who has been there.In general if I would have let my weight control my life I would have missed out on life.I am so glad that I decided to live and and not hide!

Couldn't resist

2010-04-09T02:05:00.005-04:00

Ok so we were walking through the store on Easter and I couldn't resist snapping these pics, I am sure DH and and few other shoppers thought I was a little nutty but the blue eyes reminded me of nanners eyes. The boy has got some blue eyes I tell ya.Either way I got a chuckle out of it so did DH. P.s sorry girls for the duplicate posts lately trying to figure things out on here, will try to do better.Thanks for your patience.

"Look mommy we're twins!"

"Is that bird still there? Maybe if I keeping smiling and ignore him, he will go away."

"Ok mommy now this bird is getting creepy"

Little bit of this little bit of that....road trip a coming, to Tammy and Kami or bust

2010-04-07T14:10:00.015-04:00

First of all I want to share pics of Mason holding his own bottle, this is insane he is 3 months old, he started this back on the 28th of March. Slow down son....I want to enjoy you being little for as long as possible, first the jumperoo now this.

Here are some pics of his first outdoor stroller walk on March 31st, he loved it. We took all three boys, it felt great to get outside and walk.

Some news we have is that we are going on a very short road trip to go see Kami
who I have known online from blogger for over a year and Tammy who I have also known for over a year from blogger. I have enjoyed getting to know them through emails, blogger and phone calls but I am so excited to meet in real life!!They have figuratively held my hand through my whole donor embryo journey.I have no idea what I would have done without girls like them and you other great girls out there. Tammy who is from Wisconsin will be in Michigan (my home state) for her donor embryo transfer this weekend and we told her we would try to make it to meet her in real life. Kami is also from Michigan (about 3 + hours from us) and has selflessly donated her remaining embryos to Tammy.I am so excited to meet Tammy,Mark,Kami,The twins (Sam and Mia) and have them get a chance to meet Mason,DH and I. My older boys will be at their dads this weekend.It will be a short trip as DH has to work Saturday until noon so we will leave after that and stay the night there and return home Sunday night.Can't wait to see you girls!!!
And here is a picture of Mason when I asked him he was ready to go meet Tammy,Mark, Kami and a couple of cute babies! LOL

One year ago today......

2010-04-04T14:55:00.004-04:00

One year ago today we had our very first FET using donor embryos.Last year Easter fell later than this year it was on April 12th and I can remember telling my family that we were hoping and praying that we were pregnant while we were all together celebrating Easter. Little did we know that our little Mason was already snuggling down inside mommy's womb and was already there celebrating Easter with us.What a difference one year can make because we now have a beautiful 3 1/2 month son. God is great!! Happy Easter every one!!

Gratitude (Letter to all embryo donors)

2010-03-26T15:43:00.014-04:00

Three months

I called our RE's office yesterday for a few reasons one of them was to see if we were allowed to place a letter in our file or the donors file saying thank you to the donors. I was told that we couldn't because most genetic parents do not want to know if a child resulted from their donated embryos,it can be too painful. They didn't want someone to slip up and say something they shouldn't I guess. Our donor coordinator said that by the time the genetic parents make the difficult decision to donate they ask not to be contacted and do not want to look back. I guess I can understand where they are coming from as it must be so painful. On my side of the fence I have so much gratitude and appreciation for the gift they have given me and no way to express it.I guess really there are no words to convey it appropriately anyways I mean how do you say thank you for a sharing a little human being,a miracle? Honestly, what words would there be? My heart swells, it runs over with love for people I have never even met. They have given me so much more than a son they have given me a renewed faith in my fellow man,strengthened my faith in GOD and in miracles around me.How could I ever say thank you for these gifts? For this reason I am writing this on my blog this goes out to all the embryo donors out there.I do however want to take a minute to focus on the anonymous donors for they are the ones who will never hear even the simplest words of gratitude, their gift will never be acknowledged,they will never see the immense joy they have brought to someone else's world.Our donors will never know the tears I cried upon laying eyes on my precious son as I gave birth to him, they will never see how many times a day he makes us smile, they will never know how happy they have made two little boys who now call themselves big brother to this beautiful little baby.This letter goes out to ALL embryo donors whether they are known or anonymous because I can't thank mine, so I will thank all of you. Thank you for making I am sure one of the hardest selfless decisions of your life.Thank you for seeing potential and life in those little balls of cells.Thank you you for helping others to realize their dreams of building families.Thank you for choosing life and giving the embryos a chance at life.I hope that you will read this and know what a wonderful gift all of you donors have given and are giving to your brothers and sisters in Christ.And know that you are giving us who receive these gifts so much more than a chance for a baby your giving us HOPE, FAITH, and LOVE!

In closing I am asking that if you know someone who is a embryo donor that you please pass this letter on to them, who knows maybe it will reach "our" donors someday... God Bless you all! -Megan

Less of me

2010-03-26T01:52:00.003-04:00

14 pounds less to be exact. I have officially lost 14 pounds and yes I have been trying.I have 44 more to go in order to get to my wedding weight aka my pre fertility med weight but to get to my pre pregnancy weight I have to get down only 29 more pounds.(yes fertility meds gave me a nice 15 pounds ) I am shooting for the pre fertility med weight though.So now you will notice I have added a new ticker to my blog a weight loss ticker. I did manage to drop the 14 pounds in only 4 weeks so I optimistic that I will get the rest off by my goal which I have set to be August 23rd.At the very least I hope to hit my pre pregnancy weight by then.I have had to use will power and rethink how I eat, which has been surprisingly easy now that I am not on hormones of any kind, pregnant or beast feeding and have no cravings at all.Wish me luck girls.This is about more than vanity it is about my health I want to feel like the old me again. And we all know the story about the scale being 20+ pounds off on the low side at the OB's during my whole pregnancy "sigh" ;-p Ehh I made it through all this infertility stuff I will make it through this right girls! So here I go wish me luck...

Could this be the cure for colic ;-) ?? (video) and my poll is still open

2010-03-24T13:07:00.006-04:00

I don't know but it sure has helped this thing has been wonderful!! We got it about a week a ago but have been only been using it 3 days. I know 3 months is supposed to be a bit young for it but I just had a feeling he was ready.(I don't remember my other 2 boys using exersaucers or jumperoos until about 5-6 months) He kept trying to bounce while sitting on my leg at the computer, just hated being on his back and has been doing really well with his neck for sometime now so we thought what the heck. It has been as if I have an actual second pair of hands here I can finally put him down to do laundry, cook,use the potty,eat,do other housework you name it. Granted it is only for about 15-20 minutes or so but it is wonderful. Plus added bonus he sleeps 2 hours longer at night!!! You read that right 2 hours longer!! He tires himself out in the jumperoo a few times a day so now he sleeps longer at night. He also sleeps sounder.He takes longer sounder naps also.So what does this relief cost someone you might ask cheaper than you might think.Being the bargain shopper I am I snagged last years model (precious planet original model) on clearance 50% off the original price which just happens to be the model we registered for anyways. So yes I was geeked.The original price was $90.00 we got it for $45.00 and it was worth every penny.And he loves it as you can see.He is a bit short for the lowest setting so we put a couch pillow on the floor under his feet and it was fine.But with the way he is growing he will be able to reach in no time.So the theory around here is partially is he has been I guess sick of being his back and tummy.But up until now what were my options especially with his age.I joke with DH that since he was frozen for 5 years he is a 5 year old stuck in a 3 month olds body and he has been bored to tears until now :-) All in all most (not all) of the fussiness has magically subsided between the the playing in the jumperoo and the the exhaustion from doing so he is so much more content to just be held and cuddle and also to be put down when I need to.And he is sleeping so much better at night so now momma is getting more sleep.Ahhhh.... Oh yeah and I am finding you guys answers interesting on my poll more of you have shared your blogs with family or friends than I had thought me personally I have not shared mine with anyone but DH ;-)

take my new poll, I want to hear from you!

2010-03-23T15:43:00.010-04:00

Before church a couple weeks ago (2 and a half months old)

Chillin out with his notty pooh bear (2 and a half months old)

First time in his bumbo seat (2 and a half months old)

Mason watching our favorite show 19 kids and counting, (The duggars) a couple weeks ago

Please take a moment to take my new poll that I added to my blog.The topic is one that I have been wondering about for a while. I was curious how others were handling this.While on some bloggers blogs it is quite obvious how they do things on others it isn't as obvious so here is your chance girls let's hear it.Do you keep your blog world and personal world separate and if so to what degree the poll will be open for about a week.Feel free also to leave a "comment" on how you personally handle things in this area I am genuinely interested,thanks so much hope to hear from as many of you as possible. Also I added a few pics of Mason when he was 2 and 1/2 months. I need to take his 3 month ones yet. Hope every one is doing well.

God has been good to me

2010-03-19T00:14:00.012-04:00

Well I thought I would share some pics from my oldest sons 7th birthday yesterday on saint patricks day so here they are. We had a very nice day just with the five of us we chose to just celebrate with our immediate family for now. Gavin had a good birthday he didn't have school due to a teacher in service day so his daddy,my ex came and picked him up and took him to lunch since he didn't have school.(remember his daddy,DH and I are all very good friends no hard feelings there)They then went to the store where Gavin got a birthday present and apparently insisted that he needed to get me roses while he was there so on his birthday he came home with flowers for his mommy! What a sweet boy! My ex said he insisted on getting them for me I was so touched I guess he thought mommy could use some roses.You should have seen my little man beaming when he told DH that he bought mommy flowers he was so proud.What a wonderful little boy I have!My ex would have stayed and joined us to celebrate Gavin's birthday but he works 2nd shift and had to leave after dropping him off that is why he took him out to lunch instead.We are on a budget but I still try to make things fun for the boys so here was our day first I made Gavin's birthday cake,we had a mini photo shoot with their new "brothers" shirts, I made homemade pizza for dinner, we then set out for a budget family movie(local radio station sponsors it for a few different family friendly movies for the next couple of months) where the kids get in free and adults are only $3.50 each we saw a cartoon movie called "Planet 51" the boys (all three, yes even mason went) enjoyed it, we then came home ate cake and ice cream, he opened presents that I had bought ahead on black Friday for a great deal and that he loved!In the pictures you will notice that his cake is green that is something that I have been doing since his first birthday since he is a saint pattys day baby it has become tradition.Even though it may look a little weird to you it was a butter moist cake so it was very good! I wondered if we had done enough but got my answer this morning when I was getting ready to take him out to the bus and he said "momma, I had a good birthday yesterday" I tell you girls it melted my heart.I took a few black and whites of my little guys hands and one with his and my hand with the roses he gave me, the sentimentality inspired me.Also I can't stop thinking how good God has been to me when I see these three beautiful little boys in these pictures together they truly are precious and these big brothers are amazing with Mason just amazing!! I am so proud girls DH and I keep saying when these three grow up and the girls come around we are in trouble some day because we have some good looking boys on our hands.

Mason 2 month pics and Mederma for stretch marks

2010-03-16T23:24:00.004-04:00

Here are the 2 month pics of Mason I have more to go through here are just a few I did not do a lengthy photo shoot like I did for his 1 month but I did get a few cute ones. Also I have decided to try the new Mederma for stretch marks cream that is out. I had a $4.00 coupon which I printed off the website for it (it also came with one in the package for my next purchase).I took before pictures of my pregnancy stretch marks(yes I did get them,but not until about the last trimester)and then I will be able to see if there was any real difference. The product says it takes 4 weeks to show noticeable difference and 12 weeks to show optimum difference.It also goes on to say that you may need more treatment depending on the individual. So we will see girls I will have to let you know.The product itself is hard to find but there are stores listed online to find it at. I got mine at wal*greens.Targ*et is listed but I was unable to find one that had it yet.Is anyone else using this product? And if so are you seeing results?

Finally happy to say I feel a lot like me and "My three sons"

2010-03-09T20:07:00.015-05:00

Okay maybe I am bit young to remember the 1960's sitcom "My three sons" but I was old enough to grow up with it on nick at nite as a child.Moving on.... :-)

I am glad to report that the PPD has passed which I can't help but wonder if it wasn't sticking around longer before due to the breastfeeding. I have to say that since I quite breastfeeding and quite beating myself up about not breastfeeding or not making enough milk or not being happy enough or not......it goes on and on. I feel sooooooo much better it is as if two sumo wrestlers have been lifted off my shoulders. :-P I am enjoying baby boy tremendously I love his coos and smiles.I have even learned to take his colic/high needs in stride but even mothers without PPD struggle with babies with colic/high needs so I don't feel bad.I have even began to find the humor in situations like when I finally had to put him down today(which he absolutely hates)to get some housework done, I was vacuuming , he was screaming as usual and every time I would walk in front of him he would completely stop like he wasn't even crying at all I could do was chuckle.He has started finally sleeping a little longer stretches at night so that helps a bit.I have to say that I never knew that I would have to fail at something in order to feel better it seems so opposite of what you would think. But the breastfeeding just wasn't working out and I hate failing so it was killing me to fail at it. In retrospect with a much clearer head there were several things working against me: Horrible labor and birth experience, bad breastfeeding experience, extreme weight gain, migraines, lack of outside friends or family etc support, complications during pregnancy, history of IF, money struggles,sleep deprivation,complications and long healing time of tear and stitches,high needs colicky baby and unsympathetic OB. All of these things made for a very very depressed stressed tired me who could not even enjoy her new baby boy to the extent that she could have. Now I can and it is wonderful.I needed help way before it was offered to me and in the end I never took any medication for depression.(Not that I am against medication, I by all means am not at all, the timing just was not right for me since it was not offered until things were already better by 60% or more, at that point it's like what's the point? And they were continuing to get better with each passing week) My OB did not offer it until about 1 and a 1/2 weeks before I told you girls about the PPD which by then the worst was passing. I had hid the worst of it from my OB partially because she seemed unsympathetic when I told her about my bad birth experience so I closed down emotionally to her.(remember she was not there the night I gave birth)In the end giving up breast feeding and pumping,going back on my migraine preventative medicine and going for walks for exercise with my husband and the boys around our local mall is what helped me.And now my little monkey is also letting me get 4-5 hours in a row of sleep instead of getting up every 2 hours like he was that was very hard to do by myself plus get everyone else up, make sure hubby is up for temp job at 3 am, son for school and toddler and baby boy.It was maddening I am adjusting since I am able to have more sleep and am not up every 2 hours and also have more time since I am not breastfeeding and pumping.And on top of it all in the last 2 weeks without much more than watching what I eat a bit more and a few walks I have lost 8 pounds and I am hoping to lose more which will help me to continue to feel more like me. I have several more pounds to go to get to my pre pregnancy weight but I will continue to work at it.I have few more than those to get to my pre fertility med weight as those alone put 15-20 pounds on me ugh! As the weather gets better we plan to walk as a family outdoors several nights a week. My weight got out of control while I was pregnant because no one knew I had gained as much as I did because my OB's office apparently had a defective scale. I thought it was strange that I was not gaining very much I felt huge but shrugged it off since all pregnant women feel huge and was happy that my SCH had healed and that my baby was doing well. Unfortunately I thought it also meant that it was okay to give into cravings since I wasn't gaining weight. I figured if I wasn't gaining weight what was it gonna hurt? Right? Wrong!! Apparently their scale was defective and they did not know it so all of my readings were way off on the low side. Try 20+ pounds off yikes!! I didn't find this out until after I gave birth and came back in for a check up and they had a new scale they said theirs apparently had been broken for a long time (at least my entire pregnancy) and when they got their new one they saw all their patients weights jump up. Try being 2 weeks postpartum and weighing the same as you did when you were full term pregnant ,I cried when I got home,logically I knew why but it was hard to see the number be higher.Especially since I had no idea I weighed that much to begin with.So between the bed rest,no exercise allowed my entire pregnancy due to the SCH,the extra months of PIO and estrogen from before pregnancy throughout my 2nd trimester due to the SCH, and me having no clue because of a broken scale, my weight was doomed to be high and that it was.On a different note we got our taxes done not as big of a refund as it would have been if DH had worked the whole year but we are just glad that we didn't owe.I also made sure to put Mason in his tax deduction onesie just for our tax lady and I flashed her with it when she least expected it ,she laughed so hard.She has been doing my taxes for about eight years now so she is more like a friend then just my tax lady, she was sooo excited when Mason was born before the new year LOL. And before I go I thought I would share my inspiration with you all I have yet to share pics of my two older sons(Gavin 6 years soon to be 7 next week and Ayden 4 years old ) but I will today. I have been conflicted about doing this in the past but I have decided to share I may take it down later but for now I will post it. I am including one that has all three of my beautiful boys Gavin,Ayden and Mason on one of our mall outings, actually the first one as a family to go for a walk and we also let the older boys play at the play place. It was a good day and mommy found herself smiling ear to ear!I think that's it for now girls I have lots of pics to share of our day at the mall and Mason rockin his tax tee lol.I want to thank you all for your support on my last post about the postpartum depression your kind supportive words were greatly appreciated and meant a lot to me.

Breast feeding has come to an end, birth story part 3 and well just keep reading

2010-02-24T00:14:00.007-05:00

I was planning on doing this post as the third part of my birth story until I realized that it is pretty much told. So now I will move on to why it has taken me so long to post after his birth and why it was so sporadically.First I want to share with you my experience with breast feeding which to be very honest I was not one of those "blessed" mothers who every thing went picture perfect for.It is truly and honestly one of the hardest things I have ever done.There are so many variables and things that have to be just so or happen at a certain point for it all to work out. And even then there is no guarantee that you won't hit a road block and have to start all over figuring out what went wrong.For me it started at the birth center right after he was born with them taking him away for several hours before I could even try to breastfeed him and continued with nurses that were less than helpful with getting me started. They were more threatening and uncaring than helpful. They would make statements if he was 15-60 minutes past when they thought he should eat like,(nurse vicky) "did he eat yet?" (me) "no, I have tried but he refuses to wake up." (nurse vicky)spoken sternly "well I will be back in 30 minutes, by then you should have him fed" 30 minutes later...(nurse vicky..again sternly) "did he eat yet??" (me) "no I tried 3 times he still refuses, he is just so tired from the birth early this morning" (nurse vicky) "well you have to give him a bottle then or I have to stick him to check his sugar and he will cry because it will hurt!" (me..in defeat)"I guess bring me a bottle" I gave him the bottle which he completely threw up after he ate it.These exchanges we not uncommon between me and the nurses.I was reduced to tears feeling backed in to a corner on a few different occasions I knew that to ensure proper breastfeeding I should not introduce a bottle so soon but they did not care and acted like I was starving him. For the record when he did feed it was on his own schedule not theirs and he did well.It was going well until we got home and he just quite.He had developed a bad latch which I sought help from lactation counselors to correct. Their help only frightened him causing him to go on a nursing strike. The one lady was very hands on and gagged him with my breast multiple times. We may have had a bad latch before but he least he took the breast willingly. Meanwhile the pump that I had that we saved money to get as you all know things are tight did not work for me at all. It was a double electric lan.sinoh pump.That was devastating as that meant that if he wasn't taking the breast and my pump was not a good one for me that my milk supply was going to be very reduced. And it did go down. I was put on reglan to help bring production back up and borrowed a friends medela which worked way better for me (and yes I did have a new tubing, horn kit etc for it)My milk did come up as long as I was using that pump and on the reglan but the medication is not a long term drug it is only meant to get things going.So I am off it now and for weeks he has been getting mostly formula. He did nurse really good while he had RSV but as soon as he got well he quite.On top of all the issues my migraines have returned, I had them before pregnancy but was on a preventative medication that I had to stop before our transfer. They got way worse during my first and second trimesters and were gone my last trimester. About 2 weeks after I had him they returned and are continuing to get worse.I was going to just tolerate them but since my breastfeeding experience is coming to an end I have decided to go back on my medication.I saw my family doctor today and I may decide to start it as early as tomorrow. So there you have it girls there are several struggles and tears I left out but you get the gist of it. I felt like a failure for weeks and now I am numb.But I think in the end this is the right choice.

Now for the hard news I have been diagnosed with PPD.I have been hiding this from all of you and I am sorry.Recently a fellow blogger of mine that gave birth 5 weeks after me announced she had it. She is the reason why I have decided to share this with all of you, by reading her post I realized I was not alone and that it can happen to me EVEN if I have struggled with IF actually from what I have researched especially if I did. It seems that IF'ers have a higher incidence of PPD as well as women who have a bad birth experience and any other stressors like financial struggles "ding ding ding" that's all me too.My bad breast feeding experience has only compounded things.Lets not forget sleep deprivation,extreme weight gain and lack of family support.DH and I only have each other and he has recently (2 weeks ago)taken a temp job, due to his layoff, that they have him working 60 hours a week at. He has to get up at 3AM which means I am the only one taking care of the baby at night to mention getting my oldest up for school and my 4 year old too.Plus the other chores,meals,milk pumping,bathing, bills, cleaning, pets you name it goes on. Dh is literally exhausted from the hours he works and so am I. The PPD weighs on me like a ton of bricks some days. Don't get me wrong I love all of my children and I am very happy to have my little mason.They all can make me smile on days I thought I wouldn't. I have tried to hide the tears from the children and for the most part I have.I am not on medication for the PPD as it can not be used with reglan and I have been hoping it would pass.And it is slowly starting to. I am convinced that if I could just get sleep at night that I would feel even better.The PPD was at the worst 1 week through 6 weeks after his birth. I have noticed that with each passing week or so things seem to be fading. But there are still bad days complete with tears,impatience and frustration but they are not as plentiful. I have to say the one of the worst parts of it was that I would feel sad or guilty about feeling sad or guilty so it fed into itself. I was scared how it would be received by the blog community of fellow IF'ers but I know that all of you will achieve your dreams of a baby someday and I thought that if by sharing my story that even one of you is helped then it is worth it. Because the feeling alone and hiding it from all of you only magnified it for me.I will end this post by saying that if you have nothing nice to say then please have respect and keep it to yourself.There is no way a informed,intelligent,caring human being would attack a fellow human being while they are down and if what you want to do is hurt me then follow someone else's blog your are not welcome here.That said I know that my girls on here are all caring,intelligent,informed and loving so I have no worries about all of you.Just for a heads up I may be turning on comment moderation because I will not allow mean people to get up on their soapbox and hurt me I have been through enough.So now you all know my secret and why I was missing a bit more those earlier weeks.I hope you still will continue to follow and be my blogger girls. Hugs to you all...And God Bless!!

Mason is home

2010-02-15T01:54:00.012-05:00

Some pictures of our little miracle while he was in the hospital :-(

Mason's crib while in the hospital, DH and I felt it looked more like a cage "cringe"

Mommy feeling happy because her baby has no cords or tubing connected to him and it was time to get ready to go home after one last feeding!

Mason resting comfortably tonight on valentines day

We were released from the hospital about a week ago.Mason is getting better with each passing day.He was released a bit earlier than some who have RSV due to the fact that his pediatrician prescribed him a nebulizer for home so we could do his breathing treatments ourselves and he could continue to heal at home instead of in the hospital.Sorry that it has taken so long to update but his treatments are every 4 hours and he eats every 2-4 hours (sometimes 6 hours) and his breathing treatment schedule has not been lining up with eating. Needless to say between those two things,my other 2 boys and them getting sick with the crude mason has, the housework, major lack of sleep,me getting sick too, getting my oldest up in the morning and off to school, 2 dogs and some how finding time to get my self dressed and fed along with everyone else it has been tough finding time to update until now. Thank you all so much for your kind words and prayers.All of your comments always mean so much to me.I will be adding the 3rd and final part in my birth story very soon.

Mason hospitalization update

2010-02-05T14:38:00.005-05:00

Well the test came back positive for RSV.The doctor said he will not be going home today, probably not tomorrow and honestly he does not know when. I hate having to split our family up like this. DH and I stayed up there last night and we are going to tonight but after that I have no one to watch my other boys. It is so hard to see him struggling to breath and in pain. He had a temp over 101 degrees last night.He is on breathing treatments every four hours.And on oxygen and a pulse oxygen meter 24 hours a day.Hard to believe all of this started out looking like the sniffles, even the doctor thought that it was a simple cold but also said to watch for it to get worse as RSV was going around.It started with a couple of coughs on Monday, we saw the doctor on Tuesday as we already had a well check that day. It got worse with stuffy, runny nose on Wednesday and and larger cough and small temp.By Thursday morning I was calling the doctor, got a sick appointment scheduled for that day and then at the appointment the doctor said he wanted him admitted.So here we are. Here are a few pics and pardon me and my just woke up after only 2 hours sleep look. I still have part of my baby weight that I would love to lose but it is slowly coming off. Everyone says be patient it will happen so I am trying. Thank you everyone for your kind words and prayers.God bless you all!

prayers needed for little mason!

2010-02-04T21:35:00.002-05:00

I am asking for all my girls to pray for our little miracle as he has been just admitted to the hospital,they think he has RSV. We just stopped home after bringing him there to get a few things and let our dogs out.We stayed through the bloodwork,BP check, x rays, RSV test etc. We will find out the results tonight when we go back.I will update as soon as possible.It broke our hearts to leave him there..

Birth story part 2

2010-01-30T17:22:00.005-05:00

So after my OB assuring me that things would be fine we then left her office and headed for home which was only 7 minutes away.We had to get our hospital bags,let the dogs out,grab extra key for my ex husband to let our dogs out and watch the house while we were away.We stopped to my ex's house, kissed my 4 year old (he had the boys already since it had been his weekend he keeps them until Monday afternoon since he works second,my 6 year old was at school),gave my ex the keys dropped the boys bags off which included elaborate instructions for a friend of ours that was gonna sit for them while their dad worked that night.We then headed for the birth center me still having contractions which luckily is only 3 minutes from my ex's house.We then went to the front desk and told them that our OB had wanted me to be admitted.The looked around for papers but could not find orders.They just left me standing there in horrible pain having contractions.DH who was very irritated at them by this point said "what is she supposed to do, you gonna just leave her standing at the desk in labor?????" The lady was like "oh well you guys can go down to the family waiting room while we contact her OB."I was thinking to myself are you serious? But I really had no other choice.So we go down the hall to the family waiting room which was full of people and kids running back and forth.One almost ran full blast into my pregnant belly!!It was complete chaos kids were putting things in the microwave and repeatedly slamming it and people were yelling and laughing loudly.I was so overwhelmed, sleep deprived and in so much pain.I told DH with tears starting to come"I can't do this I can't be in here anymore". So we got up and went back out in the hall and he went to the front desk and was like"you are gonna have to put her somewhere she is in labor and it is crazy in the waiting room!" So they then put me in testing and hooked me up to the monitors etc. They still had not and were not admitting me.After I was gowned and connected to the monitors they checked my cervix , and commented how hard it was to get to my cervix and how the baby's head was " oh my, right there!". I was dilated 3 cm and I was 90% effaced. So not much change from before but there was change.They could see on the monitor that I was having contractions but it is impossible to tell how intense they are without an internal monitor.But trust me they were horrible!! They then went to report their findings to the OB doc that was there from my OB office and I guess he decided that it was pointless to admit me since I was not more dilated etc. I was like "what!" I am having horrible contractions and my own doctor sent me here.So this went around for hours them not wanting to admit me and me being in horrible none medicated pain laying there as it was left at that I would have to wait for my own OB to finish her shift at her office and come admit me herself.So 6 1/2 hours passed with no pain meds and me just laying on my back waiting and writhing in tremendous pain.I was having such bad contractions that all I could do was cry and grip the bed rails waiting for someone to do something. I was in the testing area where there were 4 other beds for people to be in and only curtains separating us. I had no real privacy.My doctor didn't show up until between 6:45pm and then finally after several minutes of haggling got me admitted. She was pissed that no one had admitted me and that they made her come and do it herself instead of just taking care of me, she then left to go get her IV meds done.I finally had a room by 8pm that night. Now I remind you we arrived there at 1pm, so 7 hours later I was finally admitted.Even after I was the staff acted as though I was a waste of their time and that there was no way this baby was coming anytime soon, so umm why hurry. They all moved in slow motion and laughed and talked amongst themselves while barely taking care of me.So after they did start to pay more attention to me they asked me if I wanted an epidural and I said "Yes!!" "I have been in labor for 3 days I want an epidural" Then the one nurse tried to talk me out of it saying well you won't be able to walk the halls or get in the tub if you have one". I was like I have already walked the halls here and at home and taken hot baths for the past three days it is overrated, just give me the epidural.She seemed annoyed that I wanted one and said it would take an hour or so to get someone there. I was like seriously? So we waited and waited. Me still in severe pain. And people still checking me going "wow his head is right there" I was so sick of hearing this statement at this point it seemed pointless to them that it just may hurt a bit, a ton to have your baby trying push his own way out of my uterus since my cervix wasn't cooperating.Of course the resident doctor was a piece of work he was the creepiest and skeeviest, most unprofessional doctor I have ever met,maybe I will write about that another time as he left an emotional mark on me forever.So the anesthesiologist gets there and the epidural goes very smooth and he is the nicest person on staff that I had dealt with at that point.Not to long after the epidural was done they called in creepy resident doc so he could break my bag of water.Then they asked if I wanted to be cathed I was like "no". So they let me try to use the potty chair real quick so I could start of with a empty bladder and to see if I was capable of going without a catheter.I was successful so no cath, yea! for something.Within 10 minutes I was feeling a ton of pressure and told the nurse.Her answer back was it's probably good pressure, probably means your cervix is changing.I was like "umm ok."So after a few more times of me mentioning the pressure was really strong and that I also felt burning, and her still telling me I was fine and it was good pressure she checked my cervix was which was now at 5cm.She was a bit surprised but didn't seem to worried yet.She was like "good your making progress, I am gonna go get the pitocin so we can get that going." The whole staff there felt that after I was given pain meds and given pitocin the earliest that my baby would be born would be Tuesday late afternoon the next day.They felt that I was too little dilated and not progressed enough to deliver anytime soon.They acted as If I did not know my own body and that I was being a wimp coming in so early.They did discover after they decided to hook up the internal monitor that I was having very strong and long contractions. Hmm really, geez I had no idea?????,Maybe I should have told them about them, Except I DID!!! Over and over ,ever since I got there that day and when my husband called 1 and 2 days before that Monday!! So the nurse was getting ready to hang and start the pitocin (because they all genuinely believed that I needed this drug to have the baby since I wasn't in "real" labor yet."whatever")I never asked for it nor did I really want it.But before she could finish even opening it I told her "I have a ton of pressure and burning I can barely breath and can feel something moving inside of me". "She was like umm I guess I will check you real quick". She did and then she looked surprised and panicked.She told me I was now at 8 plus cm's completely effaced and that she really needed to get a hold of the OB doc that was on call but she wasn't sure he would make it in time.They had spent some much time betting on that I was just some wimp who did not know her own body that they hadn't even planned that I would deliver without several hours of pitocin on my own.The fact of the matter was after the epidural was placed and after they broke my water and then I guess me emptying my bladder allowed my uterus to progress very quickly.It was just like my own OB said that I was in labor but my body was not co operating and if I get pain relief it probably would.It was only about 45 minutes or less after the epidural was placed that I had progressed to 5 cm and then about 30 minutes after that I was at 8 plus cm and then the rest of the time was spent waiting for the on call OB to arrive.By the time he arrived I was beyond ready to push. Everyone got into position and I started to push It only took me 15 minutes of actual pushes to get him out.They were all amazed that I got him out so quick.They said it is rare for a woman that is giving birth for the first time to go that quick especially since I also had an epidural which can slow things down. All I can say is I had been in labor for 3 days and Mason and I were both ready to get this done.I also had the worry of my little mason as his heart rate started to dip during labor before the OB doc arrived they had me move in bed to different positions including my knees to try to get his heart rate up. After the Ob finally got there little mason still continued to have huge dips in his heart rate, I could see the monitor while I was pushing and I knew I had to get my baby boy out fast.He would dip down to 60 from 148bpm.It was scary! They said since he had been in my pelvis so long with all of the contractions I had been having he was being squeezed and in distress.Hmm I wonder who"s fault that is!! I told them hours even days before that I was indeed in labor!! But they didn't want to believe me. When he came out he had a huge bruise on his head from being posterior (which explains the back labor), he turned just before coming out.They said his head kept slamming against my pelvic bones during contractions and the fact that he had been trying to get out for so long.So all along he was indeed trying to make his own way out since my cervix would not co operate due to me being in so much pain and exhausted, but no one would listen to me.He also had a bleeding cut on his head where his internal monitor ripped out as he was being born I felt so bad for him.A minute or two after he was born they took him and looked him over and decided that he was a bit grunty and may be having trouble breathing properly.His pulse/Oxygen level was a bit low and they wanted to bring him to the nursery for further observation and continued care.So we only saw him for a couple minutes and he was gone, that was hard.I did end up getting a 2nd degree tear so that needed to be attended to and apparently they cut a couple small cysts out of inside me while they were in there, without asking me first "umm thanks, maybe I was saving those" just kidding but it would have been nice to be asked or even told what they were doing since I didn't even know I had any cysts inside me.After he was born the nurse told me that I was only minutes away from a emergency c-section as the OB and resident doc had not planned to let the labor go on much longer with the baby's heart rate dropping like that. I had no idea that a c section was that close to happening but I am glad I got baby boy out as quick as I did.All I have to say is that epidurals do not take away all the pain they only help with contractions which I could still feel,but it did not help with any of the umm who who pain. I felt everything, the burning,stretching, tearing, pressure you name it and boy did that hurt, bad. But it still was more tolerable than being in back labor for 3 days with no meds because at least there was an end in sight.................I will stop here for now as I have already typed a ton and it will be a long read for all of you.I will finish the story and catch you up on the goings on around here during our first weeks home and current.Until next time hugs to you all!

Mason 1 month pictures on my new slide show

2010-01-17T21:19:00.006-05:00

I just added a slide show to my blog and on it right now are Mason's one month pictures.The first song that plays when you view my blog is one that I picked out specially for how we feel about our little miracle arriving and it fits my slidshow perfectly.I took all of the pictures myself and hope you all enjoy them.Let me know what you think.I was pretty happy with how they turned out.I like shooting photos in black and white.There are 21 photos that I have put on there for now I have a few more and will post them later.The snowflake in the pictures is the same one that we bought when we first received our embryo set.There is a picture of it at the bottom of my blog from when we first got it.And the cross necklace that is in the picture is the one I wear all the time and I too have a picture of me holding it the day of our wedding while I was getting ready.The bear is one that we made for him while I was pregnant.I wanted to include items that are sentimental to us.I will work on the next post in my birth story tonight and will add it soon.Thank you for your supportive comments they really mean a lot to me.Hope you all are doing well.((hugs))

Birth story part 1 and Sunday was my 33rd Birthday

2010-01-12T00:10:00.008-05:00

Well where should I begin,it all started days before when on that Thursday night/very early Friday morning (December 11th) I woke up with pretty bad cramps. I ignored them and tried to fall back sleep figuring they were just very early labor pains or braxton hicks. The cramps got worse through out the day.I still was not in immense pain yet.Very uncomfortable yes, screaming out in pain no.That night (Friday night) it got way worse and the cramps/contractions got much more painful. I did not sleep that whole night except a 10-15 minute nap here and there as the contractions kept waking me up.They got even stronger as the night wore on DH was timing them and they were anywhere from 5-15 minutes apart. By the next morning (Saturday 12-12-09) I was in a lot of pain and could no longer just wait it out, so we went into the birthing center that afternoon and they hooked me up to the monitors etc and checked my cervix. They said I was dilated to 1cm and 70% effaced.They too said my cervix was very hard to get to since his head was coming down in front of it which was pushing my cervix to the back of me.( I mention this on a previous post when I had a OB appointment but apparently my cervix was even farther back this time and his head further down, the nurse even said "wow his head is like right there!") They told us to walk the halls for 30 minutes if there was no change I would be sent home, which is what happened.They said I was most likely in very early labor and there was nothing to do but to go home.I went home still in a lot of pain which only got worse.By that night I was in excruciating pain I was moaning out loud and partially screaming. I was in tears most of the time. I felt helpless and frustrated and very very tired.Each time I would dose off it would only be for a couple minutes and when a contraction hit I would fly out of bed as fast as I could all pregnant and huge and stand up with my hands resting on the bed for balance and moan and sway and cry. My back was killing me the pain was so bad that when the contraction happened I could not get off my back fast enough.Dh was trying to comfort me by rubbing my back but it didn't help, only seemed to make it worse since there was no part of me that wanted to be touched at all. I had no idea how to comfort myself so there was little chance that he could either.By the next day, Sunday (12-13-09) I was exhausted, miserable and feeling like a failure.I felt like if this is early labor and I am in this much pain I must be a huge wimp.All the books say how early labor is only mildly uncomfortable and that most women continue with their daily routine. I was like are you kidding me there is no way I can hardly walk much less continue with my daily routine.I tried everything that Sunday to help the pain I tried breathing techniques, heat packs, sitting in a warm tub and massage. None of it helped at all. DH called the birthing center that night(Sunday night) to tell them how much pain I was in and that my contractions had been very regular and at a point 2 minutes apart.Now while I was having contractions 2 minutes apart they would not stay that way they did however follow a very regular pattern which only served to confuse us more. They had been anywhere from 2-15 minutes apart never more never less. It would start like this I would have two 15 minute apart contractions and then maybe two 9 minute apart contractions then three or four 5 minute apart ones and then three or four 2 minute ones.And they were all lasting two minutes each. The whole cycle would repeat itself over and over again.The nurse at the birthing center was not convinced I was in actual labor yet due to the varying lengths of my contractions. He told her I was in immense pain in turn she was snotty to DH and said "You know it is called labor for a reason.If you come in then you most likely will be sent home but I guess you can come in if you want" I was sitting in our tub crying the whole he was on the phone with her.We both decided to wait it out since we knew our chances of being taken seriously were slim to none. I also was thankful that I had an OB appointment the next morning and was hoping at least my OB would listen.So I for the 3rd night now went without any real sleep I had a 5- 10 minutes between contractions but honestly I was worn out. My entire being was exhausted mind and body.I made it to my OB appointment and was in so much pain there that even the nurse noticed I wasn't my happy self and said something to DH while I was collecting my urine sample he then told her I was in a lot of pain and bit about what was going on. I went to the exam room after finishing in the bathroom where I continued to be miserable. I braced myself against the counter as contraction after contraction came. I was in tears and that is when my OB came in and took one look at me and knew I was in actual labor not early labor especially after we told her what the previous days had held.She then said I want to you admitted today, right now. Her theory about my pain and lack of cervical dilation was that I was in so much pain and so incredibly sleep deprived that I was in labor and had been for days but my body was so worn out that my cervix would not progress.She said if I got admitted and got some pain relief she had a pretty good feeling that I would progress on my own and if not we would proceed with the previously scheduled induction a day early.The bad side was that she could not be there, as she herself has a auto immune condition that requires her to get IV meds every Monday and that was what day it was. She said no worries though as one of the other OB's would be there to take care of me. It ended up being the only one in the practice that I had yet to meet............This is where I will end for now as my story is quite long and at times very disappointing and emotionally hurtful.I don't want to overwhelm any of you with too long of a post, rest assured that I will finish it and I am sorry that it has taken this long. I have been a bit blue/down due to it,lack of sleep and changing hormones that is partially why I have not posted in so long.I have however been still following all of you wonderful ladies just haven't felt like posting until now. ((hugs)) I will include a few pics of our precious baby!

Mason Matthew has arrived!!

2009-12-20T23:39:00.012-05:00

I am so very tired but will share a few details and pics with all of you. Mason Matthew arrived Tuesday December 15th at 2:25 AM. He was 6 pounds 7 ounces and 19 1/2 inches long.He is so little that newborn size clothes are still too big on him and 0-3months clothes are huge. He is so beautiful!! We were discharged on Thursday the 17th in the afternoon.There is a very long birth story and a few complications that made it so they had to take him away right after birth so my dreams of bonding and breast feeding right after he was born were not possible. The good news is he is now healthy but required extra monitors and testing while we were there. I was so excited to hold my baby boy the day we left as it would be the first time without a IV in his head or monitor leads all over his body. Girls he is just precious and I am so very in love. I will share the details of our birth story and labor which technically started last Saturday the 12th of December. For those of you that remember I was have contractions etc but no one knew that I was not just in early labor but actual labor with failure to progress that also included back labor(ouch!)For now enjoy the pics!! ((hugs and God bless!))

I was told it could be anytime. plus UPDATE on this previously posted post

2009-12-13T23:32:00.004-05:00

I had to go in to the birthing center today because I have been having contractions that are making me down right miserable.When I went in they said I was 70% effaced and 1 cm dialated.They had us walk the halls for a half an hour and checked me again. No change, so I was sent home after they gave me somethin to help me sleep which didn't really work since my contractions keep waking me up. My contractions have been anywhere from 4 minutes apart to 15 minutes apart, all I know is about 75% of they are excruiating.This all started over 24 hours ago.I did not know that early labor would be as painful and more painful than my endometriosis.When I was at the birthing center they hooked me to the monitors and confirmed that I was having contractions.They said the baby is doing good. They said the would be shocked if I made it to my induction date on wednesday.I have an appointment with my OB tomorrow morning, if I make it that far.I will post more and update when I know more.

***UPDATE***
Had my appointment this morning and they are admitting me. My OB thinks that my very tricky /difficult cervix plus my endometriosis is the culprit to why I am having labor pains that are far greater than what I should be having for early labor.I am currently 2+ cm dilated and 90% effaced,so I did change from yesterday but considering I have been in labor since friday evening my doctor thinks that they should go ahead and admit me since I have had no sleep since thursday night due to contractions and that my cervix may be being difficult for the reasons I mentioned earlier. She said that the baby is all the way down and ready but my cervix just isn't cooperating.They want to get me in and medicated so I can get some pain relief and rest for a while. Then they will check me again and see if giving my body some relief will allow it to continue to dilate on it's on if not then they will proceed with induction. I will post when I am able but will not be taking my laptop to the birthing center so it could be a few days.((hugs)) to you all!!!

Cannot believe were are almost there!

2009-12-08T11:49:00.009-05:00

34 weeks 2 days

37 weeks 1 day

38 weeks 1 day

I don't think I mentioned in my last post that we now have to go in for 2 NST's (non- stress test) a week, and also our OB appointment which is now weekly.These appointments keep us very busy.Our NST's have been going well and so have our appointments except that she just cannot seem to get to my cervix to check it.She was able to feel it a bit last time enough to be able to tell that is was softening.But it was with great difficulty and pain to me.This time was excruciatingly painful and in the end she couldn't quite feel it.So I have no idea if it is changing etc.She said because his head is right there it is rotating my cervix to the back and makes it very very hard to get to.Lets just say I am defiantly not looking forward to my appointment next week. Did anyone experience this problem? One of my friends said that her OB had to dig for hers too and it made her sore for a couple of days afterwards,I am having the same problem.I want to thank everyone who shared their induction stories with me it is greatly appreciated.I think I will probably go ahead with the induction on the 16th, I felt a bit better about it when I found out that they will bring me in on the 15th to place cervidil on my cervix, which should help things along sooner and reduce my chances of a c-section.Of course I am still hoping that he decides to come on his own before then which is only 8 days from now.I can't believe how close it is. We were officially 38 weeks yesterday. I will be including belly shots with this post as I have gotten a bit behind in posting them. We have been taking them just not posting them.Well that is all that is new for right now I hope everyone is doing well.God bless you all!! Oh and on my next post I will be sharing our nursery that is being completed on a very tight budget or should I say no budget :-). I will share some of our money saving ideas and tricks we used.

Well here it is and I am looking for opinions...

2009-11-30T22:32:00.005-05:00

I had my appointment today and it went well. My blood pressure was down by 19 points for the top number and 2 for the bottom compared to a week ago. I am back into the realm of normal for me now.Also my weight which has to be a fluke is down my ten pounds from a week ago. My feet look better and my skin is not as tight feeling.The results from my blood work all looked good but the results from my 24 hour urine were mediocre.Apparently normal is 100 or below and preclamptic is 300 or higher. I however was 189 as of thanksgiving day.So that puts me in grey area which also means I am creeping towards preeclampsia.They plan to watch me close.Also they scheduled me for induction on December 16th only 16 days away. It isn't completely necessary at this point but I think they fear it will be with my urine numbers rising. She said they usually do schedule inductions around the holidays when a due date is so close to them. My actual due date is December 21st.I am not sure how I feel about being induced or if I want it to happen that way. The planner in me likes being able to plan for someone to watch our dogs and house and my boys.Also I like knowing he will be here for sure for Christmas and will not have a christmas eve or christmas day birthday that he hates having.I also fear that maybe the longer I wait my chances of getting preeclamptic will rise.The other part of me wants something during this pregnancy to happen naturally. It can be a bit hard when you undergo invitro, suffered IF and MC's to feel like a completely normal pregnant woman.I have heard that being induced is much more painful and tiring on the mom.The doctor told me that we can always cancel the induction so here I sit unable to commit to either side this is where all you girls come in. Please share with me any and all induction knowledge you have even if it isn't you directly, it could be a sister,friends,cousins, an in law or your own experience.Or anything you know or have learned about it.I also welcome your opinions as I need help making this huge decision unless baby boy makes it for me and comes before then which I am hoping he will.I am scared and nervous and don't want to make the wrong decision so feel free to email stories or post them in the comments. My email is on my page sidebar.Hugs to you all and I look forward to your input.

Appointment coming up on monday and latest visit to the birthing center in the middle of the night

2009-11-28T19:40:00.003-05:00

So recently I have found myself at the birthing center twice to be monitored.The first time I was having contractions and braxtons all day and of course by the time I could have the boys dad come get them it was 12:30 am and I didn't show any signs of contractions anymore when hooked up to the monitors.That was about 3 weeks ago or so now.They checked my cervix which looked good but my urine did show I was slightly dehydrated.The latest trip was a week ago this time it was because my feet had been swelling so bad for the 3 days prior that I seriously did not recognize them anymore.They looked broken they were so puffy and round.When DH called the birthing center and asked them about my symptoms etc they asked him several questions to ask me and then asked me to come in and be seen. So that was another trip in the middle of the night. While I was there they noted the swelling and said I had the beginnings of pitting starting on part of my feet.(it is where you push on the skin and it doesn't bounce back right away)They also hooked me to the monitors and said baby boy looked really good.My urine came back and they said I was VERY dehydrated and that I also have some protein in my urine.My blood pressure has risen again but is not preeclamptic yet.They released me with instructions to call my doctor and to drink plenty of fluids which honestly I have been trying to do all along. Part of the problem I think is I just can't drink as much as they would like me to due to my horrible acid reflux even water burns and shoots back up my throat filling my mouth which in turn I have to spit out as it tastes like acid.Or it just causes me to throw up, I never know which will happen.When I talked to my doctors office this week they said they were concerned by my rise in blood pressure while it is not overly high for most people it is for me. I have always had very low blood pressure.They also were concerned about the water retention,protein in my urine and dehydration.They then ordered me a full blood work up, urine analysis and a 24 hour urine analysis.The nurse said I am creeping towards preeclampsia.I had the labs done and then did the 24 hour urine which I turned in on thanksgiving. I have an appointment on monday for my 37 week appointment and to review my labs.I will update everyone as so as I find out what my doctor has to say about it all.Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving! Only 23 days to go girls if I make it that long, where has the time gone? ((HUGS)) and God bless!

Things I didn't know before I was pregnant...

2009-11-11T15:33:00.005-05:00

I didn't know that getting dressed and putting on socks and shoes would become such a chore.

I didn't know that the small things would cause me to become winded and out of breath.

I didn't know that I would have mysterious pains that even when asked medical professionals would not be able to explain.

I didn't know that finding a comfortable position to sleep in would be next to impossible.

I didn't know that I would be up every 2-3 hours to pee every night for the entire pregnancy and that I would learn to go on auto pilot to make it to the bathroom in the dark.

I didn't know that using the bathroom and wiping afterwards would be so difficult.

I didn't know that getting up from any laying or sitting position would become such a huge production.

I didn't know that I would find that picking things up off the floor would be so uncomfortable and painful that in many cases I will just leave it instead of picking it up.

I didn't know that I would have acid reflux so bad that I feel as though a jalapeno is sitting in the back of my throat for hours.

I didn't know it was possible to aspirate in your sleep and that it was so scary.

I didn't know that I would come to know a new kind of laziness and complete exhaustion.

But on the flip side of what I didn't know........

I didn't know that I would love someone so much that I have yet to meet.

I didn't know that I would embrace all of the misery just to be able to see your precious face and hold you.

I didn't know that all it would take is a few kicks from you and I would forget my discomforts for a while.

I didn't know that I would enjoy talking to someone so much that can't answer me back.

I didn't know that seeing your older brothers being so excited for your arrival and them already thinking of you and your needs would touch my heart so much and make me so proud of the wonderful boys they are becoming.

I didn't know that your daddy would be as excited as me for your arrival and enjoy looking at and picking things out for you with a huge grin on his face.

I didn't know that no matter where I am or what I am doing I would never feel alone while you are in my belly.

I didn't know that hearing your heartbeat would be such sweet music that I can't get enough of.

I didn't know that seeing you on ultrasound would be so incredibly beautiful.

I didn't know that I would come to fall in love with your daddy even more as we prepare and wait for your arrival.He has become so attentive and patient to my needs while I am pregnant with you.

I didn't know that being pregnant with you would go by so very fast.